Liar
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: North of the UK (one of the cold bits)
Posts: 672
Stew - I'm new here so forgive me if I'm offering up a duff post. Please bear with me....
My ex was a guy - lets call him Ian - that I worshipped. He could be no wrong in my eyes. Towards the end, he controlled me. I was too anxious to go out, I quit my job because I couldn't have both, he took my money, made me feel worthless and convinced me I was worth nothing. Family and friends warned me about him but I just wouldn't listen.
Got sober. Finished with Ian. Fast forward a year.
My new partner, Dave tells me I'm lovely, encourages me with my artwork, my job and to spend money wisely. I take care of my appearance and have rediscovered life.
My point being - I equate Ian with my alcohol dependence and Dave with my sobriety.
We don't need someone in our life to define who we are but if we allow ourselves to be seduced by something that just isn't good for us it holds us back and we're colluding in it. We're better than that, you and I, and every other person on this site.
You have a previous 600 days free from the shackles. That's an awesome achievement - why allow yourself to be dragged back to the gutter by someone/something that is neither good for you or cares either way?
Take care going forward - wishing you well. Yix x
My ex was a guy - lets call him Ian - that I worshipped. He could be no wrong in my eyes. Towards the end, he controlled me. I was too anxious to go out, I quit my job because I couldn't have both, he took my money, made me feel worthless and convinced me I was worth nothing. Family and friends warned me about him but I just wouldn't listen.
Got sober. Finished with Ian. Fast forward a year.
My new partner, Dave tells me I'm lovely, encourages me with my artwork, my job and to spend money wisely. I take care of my appearance and have rediscovered life.
My point being - I equate Ian with my alcohol dependence and Dave with my sobriety.
We don't need someone in our life to define who we are but if we allow ourselves to be seduced by something that just isn't good for us it holds us back and we're colluding in it. We're better than that, you and I, and every other person on this site.
You have a previous 600 days free from the shackles. That's an awesome achievement - why allow yourself to be dragged back to the gutter by someone/something that is neither good for you or cares either way?
Take care going forward - wishing you well. Yix x
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
You may think you're grieving the loss of your relationship.. with drunken crying sessions and self pity. But you're not. It's all still there the next day just sitting on the surface waiting for you to repeat the cycle. It may feel like the pain will never end (so you continue to drink) but the only reason it's not ending is because you're not allowing it to filter through.
If you're waiting to stop drinking until you "get over" the pain of your breakup (or insert whatever other unpleasant thoughts/feelings) you're in a really bad spot.
I actually think you were on the right track with the shift in mindset.. but the "positivity" you mention takes time and practice. You first need to learn to observe your AV, not engage. Observe the cravings and sit through the discomfort without acting on it. Allow yourself to feel your feelings (sober) without judging them.
Our opinions of you are irrelevant, the motivation has to come from within.
If you're waiting to stop drinking until you "get over" the pain of your breakup (or insert whatever other unpleasant thoughts/feelings) you're in a really bad spot.
I actually think you were on the right track with the shift in mindset.. but the "positivity" you mention takes time and practice. You first need to learn to observe your AV, not engage. Observe the cravings and sit through the discomfort without acting on it. Allow yourself to feel your feelings (sober) without judging them.
Our opinions of you are irrelevant, the motivation has to come from within.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Stew1984 
I知 reading and listening and want to post. But my talk is cheap so I need to act rather than tell any more lies
Quitting posting because you are lying is a cop-out staged by your AV/addiction too. Re-read Carlotta's post regarding that point, and several others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Babylon
Posts: 37
My intention is not to derail this thread, but i must say, that Carlotta's post was so eye opening and really changed my perspective on this journey. I love how he broke down Stews post like that, very helpful
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 974
Hey Stew. What started my drinking was a bad marriage. I filed for divorce because I had too. I drank at him, because of him, because I missed him etc. Once that line was crossed you it seems impossible to stop. We can do this. I blamed him for my behavior. The thing is though, if we live in the past we can’t move forward. I am a firm believer that what lies ahead will be another door open. I’m on day 2 btw yet again. I know how disgusted I was with myself all day yesterday so I can imagine how you feel.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by Stew1984
I知 reading and listening and want to post. But my talk is cheap so I need to act rather than tell any more lies
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I went to a breakup forum years ago(before I knew about codependency) and ALL advice was to not drink alcohol over it. I didn't listen and drug that crap out for way longer than needed. Same with my last DUI (I'm not blaming my ex) I was outta control drinking/angry/full of self pity and drank heavily to 'deal with it'...that was BS.. I'll pm you the link to the breakup forum Stew..it's like a sober recovery for breakups,dating,ect..great site.
and since I always post songs/videos that helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey-sJdLGZlU
and since I always post songs/videos that helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey-sJdLGZlU
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hey Stew.
Let's say, you got a friend in me.
First of all. Let's sit together and think about a few things. I am right here with ya.
Crapping on yourself is a two-fold thing: you are letting your AV let you throw a pity party to keep the party going.
That will be our first step. Write down the good stuff, over and over again. Big or small. All that crap that we used as an excuse to keep the pity party going is gone. Can't drive forward with your eyes staring forever in the rearview mirror. Can you say crash and collateral damage? Eyes forward.
Guess what? You're not a liar. You came here and you spoke honestly. Good first step.
Next, let's make a list of ALLLL the tools we have at our disposal that we shoved in the back of our closets. These are all just ideas, feel free to grab and toss what you like.
Continuing to post right here.
Commiting to a group on here, a class, 24 hr thread, whatever corner you feel comfortable in.
Hitting up an AA meeting.
Reading the Big Book
Going to Church
Journal
Practising Gratitude
Reading recovery books
Working through the AVRT steps
Getting support through AVRT groups
Seeing an addictions counselor or therapist
Continue to read and be a sponge with all the great stickies around SR
Sober Leigh makes a great point and something I do- print what sticks out to you and go over it often. We didn't become alcoholics overnight. It takes a bit of work to make the sobriety practices stick.
Treatment, inpatient or outpatient
Sponsor
Feel free to add more.
I don't think it matters which way we choose to stay sober- we need a plan.
I think I posted this once before somewhere. I was visiting with a cantankarous, lovable long time sober AA member at this home for Sunday brunch with his wife.
We spoke of our stories- it was a great exchange.
I spoke of my relapse(s)
And he pfffffted that away and said "there is no such thing as a relapse! You chose to drink! That's all there is to it. It's a choice that was made."
And I wasn't insulted too much I don't think.
I knew he was right, and I still do.
We make the choice to drink or we make the choice to be sober by whatever program we choose.
YOU have the power, NOT your addiction.
It is OK to ask for help as much as you need to figure out your way.
You are NOT a failure, a liar, or whatever other label you we choose to smack on ourselves. That's choosing to give your power away. Stewy- you know this. 600 days sober is proof positive that you KNOW walking away is a choice and every day you have known that. Stop, turn around. Don't walk backwards. We play the tape forward, not back. We live life forward, not backward!!!
We can do this my dear friend.
I write all this as much for myself as I do for you.
And anyone else standing there trying to push themselves over that tipping point. The, aha, oh yeah. I got this, not it's got me.
We can do it.
Love, strength, and remember you're not alone.
xo Delz
Let's say, you got a friend in me.
First of all. Let's sit together and think about a few things. I am right here with ya.
Crapping on yourself is a two-fold thing: you are letting your AV let you throw a pity party to keep the party going.
That will be our first step. Write down the good stuff, over and over again. Big or small. All that crap that we used as an excuse to keep the pity party going is gone. Can't drive forward with your eyes staring forever in the rearview mirror. Can you say crash and collateral damage? Eyes forward.
Guess what? You're not a liar. You came here and you spoke honestly. Good first step.
Next, let's make a list of ALLLL the tools we have at our disposal that we shoved in the back of our closets. These are all just ideas, feel free to grab and toss what you like.
Continuing to post right here.
Commiting to a group on here, a class, 24 hr thread, whatever corner you feel comfortable in.
Hitting up an AA meeting.
Reading the Big Book
Going to Church
Journal
Practising Gratitude
Reading recovery books
Working through the AVRT steps
Getting support through AVRT groups
Seeing an addictions counselor or therapist
Continue to read and be a sponge with all the great stickies around SR
Sober Leigh makes a great point and something I do- print what sticks out to you and go over it often. We didn't become alcoholics overnight. It takes a bit of work to make the sobriety practices stick.
Treatment, inpatient or outpatient
Sponsor
Feel free to add more.
I don't think it matters which way we choose to stay sober- we need a plan.
I think I posted this once before somewhere. I was visiting with a cantankarous, lovable long time sober AA member at this home for Sunday brunch with his wife.
We spoke of our stories- it was a great exchange.
I spoke of my relapse(s)
And he pfffffted that away and said "there is no such thing as a relapse! You chose to drink! That's all there is to it. It's a choice that was made."
And I wasn't insulted too much I don't think.
I knew he was right, and I still do. We make the choice to drink or we make the choice to be sober by whatever program we choose.
YOU have the power, NOT your addiction.
It is OK to ask for help as much as you need to figure out your way.
You are NOT a failure, a liar, or whatever other label you we choose to smack on ourselves. That's choosing to give your power away. Stewy- you know this. 600 days sober is proof positive that you KNOW walking away is a choice and every day you have known that. Stop, turn around. Don't walk backwards. We play the tape forward, not back. We live life forward, not backward!!!
We can do this my dear friend.
I write all this as much for myself as I do for you.
And anyone else standing there trying to push themselves over that tipping point. The, aha, oh yeah. I got this, not it's got me.
We can do it.
Love, strength, and remember you're not alone.
xo Delz
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Stew1984
I知 not coping, me and my daughter getting screwed over again by some crazed woman
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Round and round and round Stew.
Feel and see your pain in these posts.
I have a son, a ten year old, and I'm fighting for my sobriety for him (among other reasons). Think you need to start doing the same for your kid.
Feel and see your pain in these posts.
I have a son, a ten year old, and I'm fighting for my sobriety for him (among other reasons). Think you need to start doing the same for your kid.
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