Babescake

When we fight, my soon to be ex-husband always calls me an addict. I'm addicted to a substance (alcohol, never even tried another drug) and when he says it he means it in a very condescending/negative reference. How do you feel about the term? I heard it can bring about more stigma and shame to those struggling with drugs/alcohol.

Behappy1

I hate that word. But I am one.

ScottFromWI

I try not to worry too much about terms to be honest. I can't drink alcohol in a safe manner, so I don't. What other people want to call it is not relevant to me.

Part of getting sober for me was also accepting the fact that my drinking caused a lot of pain and hurt to those around me, and that that damage does not simply go away because I stopped drinking. Those wounds can definitely be patched up over the long term, but the hurt was real and I don't expect people to simply forgive and forget about it all.

Forward12

I label myself as an alcoholic because I am one. It's not something anyone wants to be, but coming to terms with it is something we all need to do.

SparkleKitty

This comes up every once in awhile in the Friends & Family forums, because some people have a very strong negative response to being called "codependent."

It doesn't bother me. I don't run around proudly announcing my codependency to everyone I meet, but when I first entered recovery from it, it was extremely useful in understanding what I was up against. And in some ways, it de-personalized it all in a way that was vital to my recovery. Instead of labeling myself "the hopelessly worst person in the world", I could call myself "codependent" and get about the business of recovering from it.

Words literally only have the power you give them. If you don't like what your husband says when you argue, you can walk away from it. If you put all your energy in trying to control the way he fights, or to convince him of something he isn't interested in changing his mind about, that's focus and energy that you don't have for you. You can keep trying to convince him of who you really are, or you can work on being it, but you can't do both.

tomsteve

im an alcoholic/addict in recovery. no shame.
when i was practicing? didnt like it much.

MidnightBlue

I'd say it's outdated.

As human being we are all addicted to something to some extent - comforting food, drama, tv shows, getting in troubles, seeking attention, people pleasing. The list is endless.

Substance addiction shows. It's brings immediate damage. So, it's easy to spot and label.

Ghoster18

See it as a gift.
You overcome your problem.
You will thrive in ways others who just tread mill can't!
Depends how you look at it!
My mission is
I am recovered
Not I am an addict!
Then I access an empowered transformed version of myself!
G

nez

There are plenty of words that can be used in a derogatory manner. I have been called a "man" in a derogatory manner. When derogatory terms are slung in my direction, I look at it as more of a reflection upon the person that used it rather than a reflection on me.

Carlotta

I see it as just a word.
I have no problem saying I am a sober alcoholic but some people prefer to refer to themselves as abstinent, sober, recovered or just use no labels/name at all. If you go to some AA groups, you will sometimes find older men calling themselves "drunks" even though they have not drank in decades.

My point is that it's all semantics. What matters is that you are not drinking and that you are honest with yourself about not being able to drink ever again.

One thing which I heard for the first time years ago in Al Anon and which has really helped me is:
What other people think of me is none of my business.

Hang in there

Babescake

I guess I hate labels and words really affect me. Yes, only I have the power to change that, but it is far from easy when your self-esteem is so low. When you feel nobody believes in you and you're not worthy of being loved. Words hurt when they come from someone you love.

SparkleKitty

I understand this because I lived this. Most of my life. But self-esteem can be rebuilt (or built, in my case, as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic I never really had it in the first place), and some of that is done by consciously choosing not to allow others' insecurities and toxicity to have more power over you than it deserves.

You will never be able to control what other people do or say, but you can learn to control how you choose to respond to it. I'm living proof of that.

Carlotta

I lived with an alcoholic who was in active addiction so I know that words can really hurt.

We do believe in you and we are rooting for you here on SR what is more important though is that you start believing in yourself and that you are worthy of love and respect.
I know money is tight for you right now but have you considered seeing a therapist?

Also if I remember correctly, I posted the Women For Sobriety 13 acceptance statements. The great thing about this program is that it comes from the perspective that most alcoholic women do not need their ego deflated but instead need to build up confidence and self esteem.

One thing they advise in that program is for women to read the 13 acceptance statements daily and try to focus on one each week. Maybe it's worth a try?

Here is the link, print that page out and read it daily
WFS ?New Life? Acceptance Program | Women for Sobriety, Inc.

Anna

I try to avoid labels and judgement. It doesn't always work, but it's something I aim for.

saoutchik

I suppose context is everything, your husband is using the word to attack you and so understandably you hate it. If the same word was being used in a supportive environment then I suspect it would not cut so deep.

It sounds it seems like you are doing the right thing in separating from him so good luck!

entropy1964

I prefer addict to alcoholic. I think alcoholic serves to separate me from other addicts when in reality there is not difference. I also think it is a term that allows heavy drinkers to say 'well at least I'm not an 'alcoholic'. But really? I don't care that much. Drunk is ok too.

Is it fair to say that what might be bothering you most is that your husband is spitting this term at you? I mean, yeah, that would not be ok. Its ok for me to self identify. But I don't need people calling me anything in a derogatory or demeaning way.

You need to get outta there Babes. I hope that happens soon.

Gm0824

I am rooting for you babescake! I have this on my desk, not sure where I got it from:

Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a position where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them.

That works for self talk as well. Find that love within yourself.

tomsteve

cmon,now. dont start making excuses or blaming others for your feelings and emotions.
what others say about you is not who you are- their words dont define you unless you allow it to happen.

sure as hell aint easy. a useless worthless POS was my opinion of me when i walked into AA. kikin the hell out of myself. an old fart jackwagon(who became my first sponsor ) got tired of hearing it and said,"quit kikin yourself in the ass. youre not a bad man just a sick man. bad men dont feel remorse and guilt for past actions. sick men do."
HUH!
it wasnt much long after that i thought,"why in the hell shouldnt i love myself?"
babes
quit kikin yourself in the ass...............................


one more thing:
When you feel nobody believes in you

geee...thanks....great....we're all nobodys....uhuh.....

lots of people here and in AA believe in you.
even then the most important person that has to believe in you is you.

did i mention quit kikin yourself in the ass??

Carlotta

one final thought, have you checked out that section of SR?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/

I don't hang out there that much but it is for women in recovery and you will get to meet and talk to some awesome strong women there. Anna is the ringleader

Babescake

Yes, I've posted there before. I try to post in the forum that meets my needs the most at the time. Thanks!