I relapsed...and I'm grateful...
 

So...My original plan to was go 100 days sober then re-evaluate my drinking. And I was doing fine. Then somewhere around day 55, the 'voice' started. Reminding me of the good and somehow glossing over the bad of my drinking. I started to look forward to that 100 day mark so I could enter a new life of moderation. I had proven that I could quit so I didn't have a problem, right? At around day 65 we went on vacation overseas. By the time we landed at our destination, I had officially justified drinking on the trip, since it was 'vacation'. During the 10 day trip, I drank every day. It was fine at first, but then the insidious patterns came right back. The 'itch' to get that first drink in me. The uneasiness, whatever we were doing, about when I could get a drink next. Trying to figure out how to sneak a quick one early in the day before we headed out to do whatever fun thing we had planned. The crappy sleeps. Each day I slid further into my old ways.

I thought a lot on that plane ride home and I finally realized and accepted that I had to quit drinking forever. Any attempts at moderation are foolish for me, no matter how hard the 'voice' tries to convince me otherwise. And I realized how much happier I am when I don't have that 'itch' always begging to be scratched. When I can enjoy what I am doing without the anxiety of needing a drink hanging over me.

So, today I am grateful that I relapsed. It taught me a very important lesson about myself and turned a failed 100 day experiment into a commitment to forever.

Proudly on day 13 and never looking back.

Love and peace,
4Thorns

Congratulations on Day 13. I do think there is a significant difference when you decide to stop forever, rather than for a specified time. Like you, I had tried and failed numerous times, but when I decided there was no alcohol in my life, ever, my mind began to find new ways to deal with life.

I'm glad you're back.

Thank you for posting this. Your patterns sound very similar to mine, and I'll never forget that restlessness if I didn't know where my next drink was coming from. It really takes the joy out of every situation, just trying to endure activities until it was time to drink again. Ugh.

Hi 4Thorns. Congratulations on your 13 days & your new awareness.
I, too, learned a lot when I resumed drinking after 3 yrs. sober. (Surely I'd never let myself go back to that awful place....yet I did.) It convinced me that there would never be just 'one', and there was no possibility of moderation. I'm glad you're back with even more determination. :)

4thorns - thank you for the post and an update.

I went back and realized I had commented and read a number of your posts. Some of your addictive choices are similar to mine, though perhaps I have given in even deeper to the Beast on numerous occasions.

I have finally put down the booze for good. Still feel trepidation telling myself that - out of fear of failure or maybe my AV still piping up, I don't know.

But it's good to read you are where you are. Congrats on that. Stay strong and keep us updated.

This Naked Mind is a good read. According to the author, she drinks whenever she wants. She just never wants to drink. If we could all get to that point. I think many of us have been down the same path you describe and every time we say "never again". Perhaps it is finally coming to a firm conviction that you will never again drink. Maybe it takes hitting bottom wherever that may be. I'm still trying to figure that out if anyone can enlighten me

I read the book. The author has some great points and her research is well documented. It certainly makes you scared of alcohol, but for me the book itself didn't lead to any conviction to abstain, though it certainly provided enough good reasons. I may go back and reread it. It is encouraging,

Agreed. I think it adds another layer of understanding about what is going on with our AV.

I'm glad you've accepted permanent change is the way forward for you 4 Thorns - welcome back :)

D