Class of April 2018 Part 2
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Red, Ive been there. You’re probably one tough SOB like me. We are all tough and resilient. I’ve done some rough stuff to myself, cutting and burning. I won’t go into any more detail. Years ago, taking off my shirt was not really an option. Now I don’t care and a lot has faded.
Red, be kind to yourself. Take care of whatever wound you have from the self harm. Ease up on yourself. It’s ok. You’re a decent person. Know that. I don’t know anything about you, so I can’t honestly say, but you are probably a darn good person. Treat yourself that way.
I think my Dad’s understanding of how much I hurt inside came when he saw fresh wounds on me and asked exactly how it was done. He realized I wasn’t a layabout, I was in bad shape. Luckily that’s history.
Now back to resilience. I keep trying. It has not been too good for me the last week or so.
What’s good about drinking? Nothing.
What’s good about Sobriety? Way too much to list this right now.
I’ve got to get some sleep.
Later
Viper
Red, be kind to yourself. Take care of whatever wound you have from the self harm. Ease up on yourself. It’s ok. You’re a decent person. Know that. I don’t know anything about you, so I can’t honestly say, but you are probably a darn good person. Treat yourself that way.
I think my Dad’s understanding of how much I hurt inside came when he saw fresh wounds on me and asked exactly how it was done. He realized I wasn’t a layabout, I was in bad shape. Luckily that’s history.
Now back to resilience. I keep trying. It has not been too good for me the last week or so.
What’s good about drinking? Nothing.
What’s good about Sobriety? Way too much to list this right now.
I’ve got to get some sleep.
Later
Viper
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by Red78 
I need to stop.. I self harmed last nightnight to internalize the pain instead of dealing with it..
I haven't done that in 25 years.
I need to stop drinking..
I haven't done that in 25 years.
I need to stop drinking..
I’m only seven days into my recovery but I feel like a totally different human being. I knew I would. I’ve been here before as have you. We just need to get through day number one and then we drag ourselves up inch by inch.
Please don’t self harm. My God that makes me so sad to read that. You’re an intelligent woman with a good soul. I can tell having exchanged posts and messages with you many times. Learn to love yourself. I know it’s hard. I find it hard too.
Join me in April class?
JT
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Day 7
I don’t know how long this will last? I’m trying not to overthink it. I’ll be off to the gym at 07:30 to work out legs, adductors and abductors. That will be the whole body trained in the last two days. Tomorrow will be abs and cardio. I just want to be well. I need to work on myself mentally and physically. If I do both of those things then I start to work on myself spiritually too.
I’m losing weight quickly. That’s motivating. I know it’s only window dressing but I’ve always been a little vain. Unedifying I know, but in my case lucky. I become such a physical bloated wreck (in my eyes) that vanity is often one of the primary drivers for stopping, (forget the fact that your liver is hanging out of your a$$ eh JT?)
I’m still worried about the big two day get-together, which will be Day 19 and my two week holiday, which will be Day 42 - if I get to either landmark? I know this is super dangerous thinking but I can’t help looking forwards. Equally though I cannot reach either date shaking and sweating, whilst feeling and looking like utter cr*p. I’m an alcoholic. I know everyone knows it around me. I would rather they whisper “he’s obviously on the wagon again - wonder how long that will last” - as opposed to “I see old p*sshead is at it again?”
Urgh...
I know I have to do it for ME. Nobody else. But if public perception of me is an additional driver then I will use it, without anymore shame than I feel already anyway.
Thanks to all the support and stories on here. Especially the ‘grandmother’ of our group. What a wonderful, tactile, emotionally generous human being you are up there in beautiful Cheshire.
JT
I don’t know how long this will last? I’m trying not to overthink it. I’ll be off to the gym at 07:30 to work out legs, adductors and abductors. That will be the whole body trained in the last two days. Tomorrow will be abs and cardio. I just want to be well. I need to work on myself mentally and physically. If I do both of those things then I start to work on myself spiritually too.
I’m losing weight quickly. That’s motivating. I know it’s only window dressing but I’ve always been a little vain. Unedifying I know, but in my case lucky. I become such a physical bloated wreck (in my eyes) that vanity is often one of the primary drivers for stopping, (forget the fact that your liver is hanging out of your a$$ eh JT?)
I’m still worried about the big two day get-together, which will be Day 19 and my two week holiday, which will be Day 42 - if I get to either landmark? I know this is super dangerous thinking but I can’t help looking forwards. Equally though I cannot reach either date shaking and sweating, whilst feeling and looking like utter cr*p. I’m an alcoholic. I know everyone knows it around me. I would rather they whisper “he’s obviously on the wagon again - wonder how long that will last” - as opposed to “I see old p*sshead is at it again?”
Urgh...
I know I have to do it for ME. Nobody else. But if public perception of me is an additional driver then I will use it, without anymore shame than I feel already anyway.
Thanks to all the support and stories on here. Especially the ‘grandmother’ of our group. What a wonderful, tactile, emotionally generous human being you are up there in beautiful Cheshire.
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hey JT 
I hope that you realise you really can make the changes you want to make. Its in you to be able to do that.
Those changes come with a cost - the cost of change - but they are very much achievable and very very much worth it.
Fear of chamge of change fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not having a crutch or an excuse anymore - all those things conspired to keep me drinking.
I drank to the point where I was literally the neuighbourhood bum.
If I can that around, I'm a sure, beyond any doubt, that you can too - but I think you need to believe you can.
Thats kind of belief may not be with you yet - but it can be soon enough.
In the meantime sometimes we have to do what we know is the right thing and not drink. It may be uncomfortable, sometimes even painful in the short term but the long term dividends really pay off.
I have faith that you can make this time different JT.
D
I hope that you realise you really can make the changes you want to make. Its in you to be able to do that.
Those changes come with a cost - the cost of change - but they are very much achievable and very very much worth it.
Fear of chamge of change fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not having a crutch or an excuse anymore - all those things conspired to keep me drinking.
I drank to the point where I was literally the neuighbourhood bum.
If I can that around, I'm a sure, beyond any doubt, that you can too - but I think you need to believe you can.
Thats kind of belief may not be with you yet - but it can be soon enough.
In the meantime sometimes we have to do what we know is the right thing and not drink. It may be uncomfortable, sometimes even painful in the short term but the long term dividends really pay off.
I have faith that you can make this time different JT.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
8.41 a.m
Day 15
Good morning to you all and a happy Saturday, I hope you are all as well as can be and sober with it. It's a beautiful morning here, that's 3 days now, this must be our heatwave. I love the sun, it makes me feel so much better. Husband has gone to work this morning . he shouldn't be working today so I'm guessing he's gone to get away from me! I'm here with my youngest grandson, who slept over last night. This one belongs to my wayward son so I'm making the most of it while I can. We're going to have some breakfast when I've finished here and then I'll drop my compulsive shopper mum off in town, after that the day is ours.
It's good to have you with us Red, keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Remember we are all in this together. Look after yourself. x
Good morning NT16, how are you doing? Good to see you posting.
Hi Dee, I hope your day has been a good one and tonight is a peaceful one.
Thank you for that post Viperidae, I can tell that you are a very kind person and I'm sure you will find the happiness you deserve in your life. You're stronger than you think. Keep posting and stick close.
I love your posts Tony, especially the ones over the last couple of days where the 'real' Tony shines through. Please try not to over think ( says she who does it constantly lol) and remember it is just for today. We only have today. Plan for your 2 day event and think about the holiday after that. At social events I always make sure I have a full glass( water, juice, etc) in my hand and one on the table. That way people don't tend to just go and get me a drink. Be the designated driver and don't give them anything to gossip about, leave that to someone else.
I didn't realise you were in the U.K and yes Cheshire is beautiful. I hope you are getting some of this lovely sunshine where you are.
G.morning Strawberry and what a lovely way to start the day. Be proud of yourself. xx
Ha ha Erratic, obviously she's having a big, lazy boy. He'll come when he's ready. Take good care of yourself my friend.
I'm off now to go and do the mum run. Have a wonderful, sober Saturday and make it a sober one. See you all later.
Todays pledge..
Just for today.. I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path and I will not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly and will not interrupt when someone else is talking.
Day 15
Good morning to you all and a happy Saturday, I hope you are all as well as can be and sober with it. It's a beautiful morning here, that's 3 days now, this must be our heatwave. I love the sun, it makes me feel so much better. Husband has gone to work this morning . he shouldn't be working today so I'm guessing he's gone to get away from me! I'm here with my youngest grandson, who slept over last night. This one belongs to my wayward son so I'm making the most of it while I can. We're going to have some breakfast when I've finished here and then I'll drop my compulsive shopper mum off in town, after that the day is ours.
It's good to have you with us Red, keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Remember we are all in this together. Look after yourself. x
Good morning NT16, how are you doing? Good to see you posting.
Hi Dee, I hope your day has been a good one and tonight is a peaceful one.
Thank you for that post Viperidae, I can tell that you are a very kind person and I'm sure you will find the happiness you deserve in your life. You're stronger than you think. Keep posting and stick close.
I love your posts Tony, especially the ones over the last couple of days where the 'real' Tony shines through. Please try not to over think ( says she who does it constantly lol) and remember it is just for today. We only have today. Plan for your 2 day event and think about the holiday after that. At social events I always make sure I have a full glass( water, juice, etc) in my hand and one on the table. That way people don't tend to just go and get me a drink. Be the designated driver and don't give them anything to gossip about, leave that to someone else.
I didn't realise you were in the U.K and yes Cheshire is beautiful. I hope you are getting some of this lovely sunshine where you are.
G.morning Strawberry and what a lovely way to start the day. Be proud of yourself. xx
Ha ha Erratic, obviously she's having a big, lazy boy. He'll come when he's ready. Take good care of yourself my friend.
I'm off now to go and do the mum run. Have a wonderful, sober Saturday and make it a sober one. See you all later.
Todays pledge..
Just for today.. I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path and I will not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly and will not interrupt when someone else is talking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 591
Good Saturday morning April peeps! 7:00 am on a cool but beautiful Pittsburgh morning, and thankful to wake up sober.
Red, hope you are doing ok today. It’s s hard battle we fight but stay strong. You know it gets better and easier.
JT, I totally know what your saying. Especially being a beer drinker, I get the bloated look and hate even looking at myself. With that though, it is now all falling off and getting my muscular build back which feels awesome. I have already gotten a couple of compliments, and I think it is just as much to do with how I hold myself with more confidence, when I am feeling myself again.
Strawberry, hang in there and yes, please talk later and let us know how you are doing.
Daisybelle, have a wonderful day in that sunshine, and thank you for being you, and to all the rest of our group...love, peace and happiness to each and everyone one of you.
Red, hope you are doing ok today. It’s s hard battle we fight but stay strong. You know it gets better and easier.
JT, I totally know what your saying. Especially being a beer drinker, I get the bloated look and hate even looking at myself. With that though, it is now all falling off and getting my muscular build back which feels awesome. I have already gotten a couple of compliments, and I think it is just as much to do with how I hold myself with more confidence, when I am feeling myself again.
Strawberry, hang in there and yes, please talk later and let us know how you are doing.
Daisybelle, have a wonderful day in that sunshine, and thank you for being you, and to all the rest of our group...love, peace and happiness to each and everyone one of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 437
Last weekend on day 33, I ended up drinking. Why? I honestly don't know...I was positive, I felt like I was improving... The only thing I can think was that I was bored?
The drinking continued for 4 days, I ran out of money.
So I'm back sober, currently on day 4.
Annoyed with myself, I could have been on day 40 today, I could have had more money.
I can't change last weekend, I can only remain sober now.
The drinking continued for 4 days, I ran out of money.
So I'm back sober, currently on day 4.
Annoyed with myself, I could have been on day 40 today, I could have had more money.
I can't change last weekend, I can only remain sober now.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 119
Day 20.
JT... I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what others will think when I go to all of these events I have coming up.
I know I have “friends” who have called to have dinner and drinks, and I wonder if they will enjoy my company if I’m not drinking with them.
I haven’t reconciled it all yet, but as I move into more days of sobriety I think of how silly it is to think of their feelings more than my happiness, health, and well being.
I think it’s powerful to choose yourself over others. If they say “he’s back on the wagon” is that not SO much better than ”there he goes again, wasted. He’s hopeless”....
I guess a level of discomfort might always be there.... but anyone who really cares about us would not want anything more for us than what makes us happy and healthy. F*%k the rest.
Day 20.
Have an awesome Saturday!
JT... I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what others will think when I go to all of these events I have coming up.
I know I have “friends” who have called to have dinner and drinks, and I wonder if they will enjoy my company if I’m not drinking with them.
I haven’t reconciled it all yet, but as I move into more days of sobriety I think of how silly it is to think of their feelings more than my happiness, health, and well being.
I think it’s powerful to choose yourself over others. If they say “he’s back on the wagon” is that not SO much better than ”there he goes again, wasted. He’s hopeless”....
I guess a level of discomfort might always be there.... but anyone who really cares about us would not want anything more for us than what makes us happy and healthy. F*%k the rest.
Day 20.
Have an awesome Saturday!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 67
Hello to everyone~ I'm reading through all of these posts and I'm just thankful that I'm here with you all. I don't know what happened to me last week. I think I read that something was in retrograde- but blaming astrology for my slip ups is really reaching for the stars (no pun intended lol) and this time I'm feeling confident and am going to go to a meeting this weekend and try and find a sponsor and get through this. Today is day 1 for me (last night I drank wine by myself- ugh) and I'm excited to have a sober weekend! Love and light to you all~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
JT - It might seem vain, but I’m with you on the weight thing. I dropped 40lbs between July and January 2 years ago. My face was so puffed up. It was 100% diet and not drinking. I’m up about 13-15 pounds from my lowest. It’s just nice to have nothing around the belly, and not be struggling for a good fit in clothes. I don’t like being up over 160 again. Ideal weight for a 5’7 dude is 140-160. 148 has been my lowest a few times, and I won’t go any lower.
Struggling. I’m so angry. Really snippy. No patience. Anxiety. I’ve gone over on my Benzo and need to ask the psychiatrist for more. He trusts me so it shouldn’t be bad. I’ll email him today.
I was talking about going to my therapist to bring up an issue and it was definitely the right move. Wow. We disarmed it. I’m lucky to have him. And very lucky to have my APRN of Integrative Medicine. Now if I can just not bleeping drink.
Viper
Never give up.
Struggling. I’m so angry. Really snippy. No patience. Anxiety. I’ve gone over on my Benzo and need to ask the psychiatrist for more. He trusts me so it shouldn’t be bad. I’ll email him today.
I was talking about going to my therapist to bring up an issue and it was definitely the right move. Wow. We disarmed it. I’m lucky to have him. And very lucky to have my APRN of Integrative Medicine. Now if I can just not bleeping drink.
Viper
Never give up.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
17.20
Hi again, just a quick check in before I start preparing dinner. It's been a beautiful day and the sun is still hot. I've not had a bad day, I took my g.son to the park this morning before I took him home. When I got back the other half was cutting the grass so I did some weeding and tidying up. Everywhere needs a good tidy after the winter. He's still very frosty with me, the other half, but he did speak to me a couple of times so I'm hoping he is seeing how hard I'm trying.
Aww I'm sorry to read that Strawberry, I hope you're ok. Keep trying, keep posting and stick close. You will get there. Just be even more determined this time.
Hi Donny, I bet you're looking a million times better without the bloated look. I need to lose some weight too and I think I'll start power walking again next week. I love walking, it really helps me sort my head out.
Oh no, Zombie, I can imagine how mad you are with yourself. Well those 33 days are not wasted, use what you learnt from them to keep you going forward. Falling down isn't failing, staying down is. Just dust yourself down and keep on walking the walk. Be kind to yourself.
Red, I hope you are ok and I hope you come and post today.
Turnip, I'm missing you, my friend.
Hi Nichole, how are things with you? Let us know how you're doing. x
3trees, thank you for that post and you are completely right. True friends will want the best for us.
Sunshine I'm glad you're with us on this journey too. I'm sorry you slipped but I'm so impressed that you came and posted. You know what to do. Enjoy your sober weekend. xx
Viperidae, what's the reason for the snappiness, I hope it passes mate. I. glad your therapist is clued up, it makes a difference.
That's it for now, back later
xxx
Hi again, just a quick check in before I start preparing dinner. It's been a beautiful day and the sun is still hot. I've not had a bad day, I took my g.son to the park this morning before I took him home. When I got back the other half was cutting the grass so I did some weeding and tidying up. Everywhere needs a good tidy after the winter. He's still very frosty with me, the other half, but he did speak to me a couple of times so I'm hoping he is seeing how hard I'm trying.
Aww I'm sorry to read that Strawberry, I hope you're ok. Keep trying, keep posting and stick close. You will get there. Just be even more determined this time.
Hi Donny, I bet you're looking a million times better without the bloated look. I need to lose some weight too and I think I'll start power walking again next week. I love walking, it really helps me sort my head out.
Oh no, Zombie, I can imagine how mad you are with yourself. Well those 33 days are not wasted, use what you learnt from them to keep you going forward. Falling down isn't failing, staying down is. Just dust yourself down and keep on walking the walk. Be kind to yourself.
Red, I hope you are ok and I hope you come and post today.
Turnip, I'm missing you, my friend.
Hi Nichole, how are things with you? Let us know how you're doing. x
3trees, thank you for that post and you are completely right. True friends will want the best for us.
Sunshine I'm glad you're with us on this journey too. I'm sorry you slipped but I'm so impressed that you came and posted. You know what to do. Enjoy your sober weekend. xx
Viperidae, what's the reason for the snappiness, I hope it passes mate. I. glad your therapist is clued up, it makes a difference.
That's it for now, back later
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 103
Still here, but it's day 2. Have been dealing with a lot of triggers recently. After fighting hard Wednesday, I got tired of fighting on Thursday and had 1.5 beers. I wanted to take that edge off and quiet those voices in my head. Know what I could have done differently, but just chose not to do it.
Some of it has been trying to find the point for myself in getting sober again. I had a nice stint at sobriety as it appeared the one aspect that I hate about my life, would be changing. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it didn't and I started seeing less point to being sober. Avicii's death put some of that in perspective, but it's something I'm trying to get a grip on. It is not a good trait to have for staying sober. Finding a fix for that trait is not simple. To change that one aspect that I hate would be to destroy everything else since a lot of it is intertwined, so not a realistic option either. Not an inspiring post, but it's where I'm at.
Glad to see so many of you continuing to have success or recommitting. Also, welcome Harris!
Some of it has been trying to find the point for myself in getting sober again. I had a nice stint at sobriety as it appeared the one aspect that I hate about my life, would be changing. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it didn't and I started seeing less point to being sober. Avicii's death put some of that in perspective, but it's something I'm trying to get a grip on. It is not a good trait to have for staying sober. Finding a fix for that trait is not simple. To change that one aspect that I hate would be to destroy everything else since a lot of it is intertwined, so not a realistic option either. Not an inspiring post, but it's where I'm at.
Glad to see so many of you continuing to have success or recommitting. Also, welcome Harris!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by Strawberry18
2 bottles of wine ... 4 beers ... Tomorrow is my sons birthday ... My daughter was 5 ...5 days ago . I have a joint birthday party tomorrow ! With 40 kids ... Please help me GOD
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 752
So I had a ruff night last night and I need to pull my sh!t together i know this is going to suck but it’s either I don’t drink or drink until I pass out or blackout every night so day 1 giving up alcohol pot and pills trying this again my mental state of health can’t take it and my kids obviously need a better mom
Take care y’all
Take care y’all
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