Tgblonewolf87

I have never dated someone who was a recovering addict of anything. However my current girlfriend was. We started off great, we had a plan for the future and life goals that involved each other. We even got pregnant and are expecting a child together. The last month has been extremely difficult for me. And it wasn’t until this last week when I realized why. About 3 weeks ago she had a warrant issued for her arrest because she stopped going to treatment court. She said her attorney told her he could get her out of it so she stopped attending the court dates, meetings, and submitting tests. She was laying low at her moms house until she was able to get in touch with her attorney to straighten everything out. During this time she told me she didn’t want to risk being around me since she had the warrant out and I lived in the area where they were looking. She seemed to pull away from me from what I chalked up to the stress of the warrant. Earlier this week she went to court for the charges and they put her in jail for 2 weeks. I was devastated because I couldn’t do the one thing I promised I would do for her and our baby, and that was to protect them and keep them safe. I had to pick up the rental truck that I had for her so she could get to work, etc, for the past month. I found a lot of stuff in the truck that destroyed my entire life. Receipts from other states, western union receipts with her ex’s name on it, a bag of guys clothes in the back of the truck, an empty scale box, and a used needle under the passenger seat. I also found a burner phone that she had been using to get her old dealers numbers out of. I asked her mom if she had been staying with her for the past 2 weeks and she said no, and that she also found a needle in her court pocket after coming out of the court room shortly after her sentencing and being taken to jail. I looked at messages that she had and found that she was indeed with her ex, staying in hotels, doing drugs, and I’m sure sleeping with him. Every time she is around him he gets her back into it. She’s told me many times that he’s emotionally abusive and treats her terribly.. so why did she go back? I’m waiting until this weekend to visit her because I need to hear the truth even though I already know everything. Her mom is terrified that were going to bury her before this year is over, and even though I don’t want to believe it.. I fear she may be right unless we can get her some serious help. She’s tried self treatment and it hasn’t worked, so we’re pushing for court mandated rehab to get her the help she needs. What makes it worse is she’s pregnant with my child.. or at least I think it’s mine. After everything I’ve found I’m not very sure anymore. I’m honestly at a loss right now and feel completely empty because she made no effort to even hide anything that I found. She referred to her ex as her bf when trying to get drugs, and that they were looking for an apartment together. All while messaging me and asking if I would go to court with her for support. I honestly don’t know what to do but I need to hear the truth from her. My plan is to go to the jail to visit her and insist that if she wants anything to do with me in the future that she needs to be honest and tell me everything. Since I already know it all I’ll be able to tell if she’s leaving something out or lying.

I don’t tolerate cheating and would have left in a heartbeat, but I don’t know if the drugs altered her mind. Depending on how the visit goes, I’m going to try to go to some meetings and listen to what people have to say. I have no experience in this department so I feel maybe she didn’t tell me because she didn’t think I would understand.. but I want to understand.

What should I do? Should I be brutally honest with her about how she destroyed trust and feelings for her, or will that push her away even more? I need to know the truth because all I do now is question what was real and what was a lie.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

decchemist

What a harrowing tale. So sorry to hear your story. It sounds from your writing that you want to forgive her and take her back. You are a stronger man than I. If it were me I would run a mile.

Tgblonewolf87

If it weren’t for the baby I might.. but at the same time I want to think it’s the sickness that made her do everything. In a normal relationship I would have been gone already without a second thought, but this is far from normal.

Loveisallweneed

Very tough one! One thing I will also say is re the baby, you don’t want her using and harming the baby! It has not asked for any of this! How many months is she? Was she acting strange before she got pregnant? Would she maby have been sleeping with her ex at time of conception? My head is bubbling and I don’t even know you! All I will say is you will know when you sit in front of her and ask, listen to your gut! Take care of yourself until then, eat well, take a long walk to clear your head and try to sleep! You also have not asked for any of this! X

Tgblonewolf87

We’re about 2 months along, and I don’t remember her acting strange at the time. But I can’t be certain. I’m not sure how many times she’s used but I know in the last week it’s been a few. I appreciate the help, and unfortunately it’s hard to eat or sleep because I just don’t feel like myself. I know that once I sit in front of her I’ll know what my next move is. Unfortunately I feel she may be the type of person that would save face and rather cut off a relationship than own up to her mistakes. I really just want the truth from her, so I’m very hopeful she can understand that and respect me enough to tell me. I fell hard for her, and with the baby I don’t like the thought of not seeing my child every day. I hate to say it but if we don’t end up working out I will start filing for full custody because she’s already proven that she endangered the baby’s life. As soon as she gets out I’m going to get her to an obgyn to run tests and figure out what damage if any was done. Until then I’m stuck wondering if I’m going to be a father or not.

Dee74

Welcome Tgblonewolf87

I'm sorry - it must be difficult to know what to do, not knowing if the child is yours.

I'm a guy but while it's its true addiction led me to do some stupid stuff, I kept up that stupid stuff for nearly 30 years.

Stories like mine are not uncommon.

that a long time for someone to wait for someone to finally want to do something about their condition, their sickness their addiction, whatever you want to call it.

Some people never get to that point.

I'd be requesting a paternity test as a first step.

D

Tgblonewolf87

Thanks D. I wish I could go ahead with a paternity test but everything read says they could be dangerous for the baby if done while still in the womb. I will be asking the obgyn for a conception time frame to see if it’s possible that it’s mine. I do appreciate all of the help and welcome any comments or advice. You’re right though, 30 years is a long time. She has told me that she never wants to go back to that life because she almost lost her son for good.. but even that didn’t stop her from doing it again. So if that doesn’t then I’m not sure what will.

tomsteve

i would strongly encourage not attacking her with how you have been affected. she probably already has a notion of how her actions have affected you.
it reads like youre trying to rescue her more than have a loving realtionship.
you fell hard for her- how long had you dated? did you even date?
i encourage you to visit the F&F forum for both addicts and alcoholics.

Loveisallweneed

It’s a really tricky one as regardless of how any of the answers pan out you will not know for another 7 months (I think) can you dna before the baby is born? I don’t think so but could be wrong! My youngest is 9 not that I ever needed dna but maybe things have changed! I really feel for you as it’s really not a nice situation to be in! If you ever need to vent you can pm me and I’ll get back to you when I see it!! Please try eat and even if you can’t sleep you need to rest!

Tgblonewolf87

I would really like to believe that she has an idea of how I feel.. but at the same time she lied to my face and told me that she needed to stay in her mother’s custody according to the court or the warrant would be active. Hours later she went right to her ex and was with him all night which ended up being the night before she went to jail. It’s hard to think that she knows how I’m feeling if she was able to do all of that stuff in the first place. I don’t plan on destroying her, but I do intend on demanding the truth because I think I deserve that much.

tomsteve

you can demand all you want. what purpose does it serve when you have said you already know the truth?
what will change if the words come out of her mouth?
nothing.
PLEASE visit the forums i mentioned. there are people that have been in your shoes with a lot of great experience and suggestions.

Tgblonewolf87

As far as the saving her and wanting a loving relationship. I want both! I want her to be better and I believe that people are a product of her environment. So I showed her the kind of love and attention that she deserves because her ex’s who got her into heroin were always cheating on her and treating her poorly. Both physically and emotionally abusive. I wanted her to see what a real relationship was like. So in that sense, I guess you could say I did want to save her.. but not in the hero sense. I wanted to do it by showing her respect. We talked about moving away from the area which would help her to get away from the people she knows she can get it from. BuT when we found out about the baby we decided to stay close to family. I appreciate your help because it did make me look at it from a different perspective.

Tgblonewolf87

tomsteve I appreciate your help. I will check out that link you sent me. As I said, I do really love her and I’m not willing to give up on her. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did. This is all very new to me so I’ll listen to any advice that I can get. Thank you again!

Max74

Run!!!!!

tomsteve

you may have wants for her and try and make them happen. however, thats not how it works. we cant control other people. we shouldnt push our wants for other people onto them. of course we want the addict/alkies in our lives to get healthy, but that doesnt mean its going to happen nor will it happen the way we want it to.
we didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.

p.s.
its not about giving up. its about allowing others to live how they want and allowing them to face the consequences of their actions.

Tgblonewolf87

Thank you for referring me to that forum. I’ve learned a lot and it gave me a lot to think about. I’m starting to realize that I won’t ever have any control of the situation, and based on what I read the only thing that will make her want to change is hitting rock bottom. I hate thinking that way because she’s almost died twice from an overdose, while with her ex, and he did nothing to help her. Her mom and I are terrified that there won’t be any coming back from her rock bottom. I’ve lost a few friends, and she’s lost many more to overdose. The stuff where we are is absolutely terrible and the risk of an OD is much higher. It seems like every day I hear about how someone got bad stuff and it killed them. Tomorrow is when her visitation is so I’m just going to see what feelings are present when I see her. I’m going to use what I’ve learned from the forum you sent me to and try to help her see the path that she’s currently on. Like I said in an earlier post, she lost her son for a year because she was using. Now she might lose him for good because this county is extremely strict on that stuff. I don’t like to think this way, but if she insists on living that lifestyle.. I would at least like her to finish out the pregnancy sober so I can take care of our child. I couldn’t handle losing her and the baby together. Thank you again tomsteve, I tried sending you a message but it won’t let me until I have posted 15 times.

tomsteve

its definatly not easy,TG, and with her being preggers, im sure that makes it even harder. is there any laws concerning situations like that- where a woman is pregnant and using? it seems there would be laws to protect the unborn child.

one thing i did when i was in the depths of alcoholism/addiction is push people away that pushed getting help on me.
it may be wise to think about how to say what ya want to say- doing it without is coming of as criticism or being pushy.
and have no expectations- them things screw me up every time.

Tgblonewolf87

Her mom told me to be strict and to let her know if this is the life that she wants for herself then I can’t have any part of it. I think she’s banking on the fact that my gf is so in love with me that she will see that as rock bottom. As for the laws, I believe there is a law about doing drugs while pregnant, I’ll have to look into it. I’ve read that some jails may keep the mother for the length of the pregnancy if they know they are actively using and won’t seek help. But that would be a terrible thing to do to her.

tomsteve

maybe look at that differently:
who honestly put her in this position?
shouldnt the welfare of your unborn child be taken into consideration?
what else can be done to protect an unborn child?

i hope she decides she has had enough and seeks out help.
AND
i hope you take care of you.

Berrybean

Either that or it would be a blessing. One that ensures the safety of her unborn child and gives her a chance to get sober / clean and commit to her recovery. If she wants those things that is.

If she just wants to be at liberty to continue doing what she's doing regardless of the consequences, yes, it would be a terrible thing.

I reckon it's important to see the bigger picture. But when we've been sucked in by addiction (to substances or people) it can be difficult to do that.

BB