Buckley3

Title pretty much sums it up.

Grinding right now. I don't feel my sobriety is in immediate danger, but facing what I have to face - what I brought on myself - isn't pleasant to say the least.

Taking some actions. I know it'll pay off and I'll get through but they require me to very much swallow my pride (probably a good thing in the grand scheme), other things require me to actually face the details of the carnage my years of drinking have created. Makes me shake my head - what the hell was I doing/ thinking???

Being literal here. My finances are a mess despite a very healthy income. It's embarrassing and frustrating. My credit is shot. That said I think I'll be able to avoid bankruptcy. And for now at least I've been able to isolate the problem to my mortgage - everything else is current as of today. I'd been procrastinating a few other bills since the accident out of pure raw fear. Feels good to have those monkeys off my back.

There's a Beck song with a lyric "Loooose ends, tying a knot in the back of my mind." It's been playing in my head for two weeks now.

I'm planning to move by the end of the month. May 1st. I'll either lose my house to foreclosure or get it sold and hope to break even. I'm very much looking forward to moving though. It'll cost me 1/2 as much as I've been trying to keep afloat and it'll be a far simpler existence.

I've been procrastinating dealing with having too much house for a single dude for years. Keeping my head just barely above water. Neglecting it's care and upkeep. When I sell I suspect someone is going to get a great bargain. A bit of love that I haven't been able to find the energy or interest to put into it and this place will be a great home for someone. I built it myself back in 2007. Custom floor plan, etc..

Can't wait to be rid of it. In a symbolic way it's really the last of my possessions that represent so much of the old me. This is as much a spiritual shift as it is a practical, financial matter.

Once I've dumped the house and downsized things will be much easier to deal with and I'll be able to start the process of rebuilding financially. It'll happen I know - but that doesn't make me not feel like crap about it right now.

My license will be suspended next Thursday due to the Prohibited Alcohol Content law. I have my ducks in a row to get an occupational same day - and the occupational restrictions could be far far worse. Moving closer to the office will be a big help. But nonetheless facing the first of several punitive issues that will hit me over the next couple months isn't very pleasant to say the least.

In the midst of it all I've just spent a few days withdrawn and procrastinating like hell. Largely recovered from it today. I'm taking it easy on myself - there's a lot to deal with right now and I simply can't make it all right in an instant.

I continue to have great hope and optimism for the future. But what's that saying? "When you find yourself walking through hell keep walking." I think that's very relevant at the moment - if a bit dramatic.

The reality is none of it is irreversible. And I continue to be very grateful - it could be so much worse. If I just keep telling myself these things...

But sometimes those platitudes just don't do it. Sometimes I think it's ok to just own the suck and let it suck... as long as I keep moving forward in whatever irregular way I can. Gotta let it run it's course a bit I suppose. Acceptance right? Who said honesty and acceptance were easy?

So glad to have this place to vent and share.

Day, um, 48 I think. One day I'm gonna look back at all this and laugh about how absurd I let things get. Not a whimsical laugh... it'll be a laugh of absurdity. Shheeesh.

-B

lessgravity

Nice work on 48 days Buck.

Yeah the life of intense procrastination is a tough one to endure - the same sick addiction to the adrenaline and shame and fear that is such a part of being a drunk.

Thanks for posting.

hopeful4

I come from the Friends and Family side of the forum and just want to say I am impressed! As people (all of us), it's easy to sit and wallow in the bad. Even though you have some things coming up that are not pleasant, it sounds like you are facing them head on, planning, and taking action. You have also taken full responsibility for your own actions, all in one post. I can only say well done, carry on. Your post was a motivation to me. Good luck to you!

Dee74

Sounds to me like you have building a new sober life well in hand Buckley - a lot of folks put off that step.

congrats on 48 days

D

Anna

Buckley, it sounds like you are doing really well. 48 days sober and dealing with the stuff head-on is great. You seem to accept the situation and are slowly, but steadily moving forward.

"Can't wait to be rid of it. In a symbolic way it's really the last of my possessions that represent so much of the old me. This is as much a spiritual shift as it is a practical, financial matter."

I love this. I have found that downsizing and simplifying my life has been a significant part of my recovery.

Notsodrunk

Congrats on the days. I’m trying to figure out how I spend so much less on alcohol and can’t find that money anywhere lol.

Berrybean

Wow Buckley.

You know, I think you're doing great. Facing up the your responsibilities and trying to turn things round for the better this early is sobriety must be tough. (I stuck my head in the sand an d continued to inwardly blame everything and everyone for my situation for another little while when I first got sober).

Well done. It'll all get much better once you've ground through this bit.

BB

DontRemember

Great post! I drank 'at' my DUI(how stupid) and it was still there...waiting and not going away. Once I accepted/owned it I got through it much easier. In sobriety I've learned to not hide from my problems(personal,financial,ect..) and they are much easier to deal with clear minded.