Filegal

When my husband drinks he does so responsibly about 85% of the time. It's usually a beer or two after work. It doesn't change his personality for the worse. I'd say it's very normal. And most of the time when he drinks on the weekends it's normal/moderate. It's the other 15% of the time that's the problem.

It's so confusing to me that most of the time he knows when to stop, but some of the time he absolutely does not. He has no idea that he's had way too much and cannot stop. He acts stupid and has gotten ugly with me. He always apologizes and says he didn't mean it.
I've had it with the 15% of the time. When I see him reach for that 5th or 6th drink he might as well have a needle in his arm as far as I'm concerned. It makes me so sad to see him have no control over it (I can't relate as I am totally an occasional/social drinker. Can totally take it or leave it)
I'm sure I already know what everyone's answer will be ..... but, can someone who drinks responsibly the overwhelming majority of the time learn moderation? Are there programs out there like that? Or does it have to be all or nothing? I don't know why I say this, but I truly think he has a better shot at learning moderation than he does going cold turkey the rest of his life. Maybe I say that because moderation comes so naturally to me. Thoughts?

Notsodrunk

I think every drunk has tried moderation at some point. That could be his moderation. It never works for me, I fall back into a hangover then drink to get rid of that hangover and then drink the next day just because I’m in a groove and then it’s almost the weekend so why not drink.....etc , etc

duane1

I myself could never moderate, but perhaps your husband can. Have you talked to him about it and what it is doing to you and your relationship with him? It may do nothing, but you will at least know if he has any ability to regulate himself. If he fails after your warning, I would suspect that it could get worse.

FreedomCA

My husband is in inpatient rehab right now for alcohol, meth and pot. Similar to your husband, he could sometimes take it or leave it, but then eventually under the right circumstance would be drunk and belligerent. I think these people are still alcoholics and need abstinence to have a nice life again. Otherwise, there will always be those times when they don’t moderate and the consequences result. Similar to you, I think abstinence will be almost impossible for my husband, but I am praying for him and hopes he goes to AA and couples counseling with me. He also is now on a mood stabilizer from individual counseling that may help his alcohol cravings when he gets out since his mental health issues are being treated. They have him on Seroquel at the rehab.

DontRemember

Yeah.. I'm not the 'town drunk' BUT...if I'm drinking stuff can/may/does happen. Booze/drugs and I do not mix well. It's a coin toss on who I will be and how long I'll be that 'person'. My exAgf was similar to myself and your husband...sometimes it was good/fun..others..horrific! I took the possible(probable/only) cause of my actions away because that "15% of the time" was ruining my life.

Berrybean

If he COULD learn moderation, why do you think that hasn't happened so far?

When an alcoholic drinks, the off switch is faulty.

Sometimes that will look like a corroding wire (if we follow the switch analogy), so sometimes it will make the connection for us and we can stop and other times we can't. Trouble with even this situation is that there is no way of telling when that corroding wire will cause some problems. Maybe it will happen at a time when the consequences are low (or we can talk / apologise / bullpoop our way out of them), but other times the consequences can be dire. Taking the first drink is like Russian Roulette.

As time passes, the switch becomes increasingly unreliable as the corrosion continues and gets worse. Plus the obsession to drink increases. We cannot undo this development in our alcoholism. If we stop for a while then restart we pick up just where we left off, or perhaps slightly further along the line.

I think it can (naturally) be difficult for someone whose off switch is perfectly reliable to see the problem, especially when the switch is at the faulty / unreliable stage and sometimes appears to work just fine. It can be pretty confusing for the person with the dodgy off-switch as well.

If he is an alcoholic, while seeking to moderate that dodgy old switch will just carry on corroding . The only way to stop it is to stop drinking.

That being said, my own partner has decided that for 'health reasons' to cut down. I think basically falling over had got less cute, funny or bouncy now he's in his mid 50s, and he has upset a number of people over the last few years, always when drunk. I've got to the stage where my personal boundary is that I disengage and keep interaction to the nearest minimum once he's past 3 pints of standard strength beer, because I know where it's heading. He becomes hateful and belligerent and disrespectful and frankly a bit mean once he's proper drunk. And I know he either has up to 3 then stops, or carries on til the pub shuts or he needs to leave because he's upset someone, at which point he comes home and upsets me (if I allow him to).

Since January he's has a couple of times When this didn't work out. Once was on holiday with his old drinking pals, and the other was at a late night drinking party for his sister's birthday. Both times he regretted it, which is new for him. I suppose we'll just have to see how it goes. For me moderation never worked out. I needed to stop completely. I consider myself an alcoholic, and don't know about my partner yet.

Will your husband consider trying to moderate? If he's already trying that and this is what's happening as a result, chances are that moderation won't work and he's got that alcoholic corroding wire.

In the meantime, it is probably worth you investigating some of the threads on the friends and family area, esp the stickies. They're a wise bunch in there.

BB

ReadyAtLast

Does your husband think he has a problem? Does he want to cut down cut back stop drinking ? I'm fine 90@% of the time too but it's the other part that does the damage.

FreeOwl

My 85/15 gradually turned 75/25.....

Then 60/40.....

50/50......

40/60....

15/85......


I tried ‘moderation’ in many ways and over many years.

Trouble with that is ‘85/15’ is ‘moderation’.... isn’t it?

The pattern existed, expressed itself and worsened. There was no going back. There was no ‘moderation’

For some folks - no alcohol at all is best.

For me that’s the case and my pattern was just like you describe

Tang

Alcohol is one of the most addictive drugs, not only for its chemical makeup but because it is so interwoven in many cultures. If one has ANY proclivity to addictive behavior, drinking is like Russian roulette.

I have had long periods of moderation, however, it always leads to a binge. Then follows the regret, anxiety, self hate, etc. So yeah someone with an AUD can in fact moderate for periods and still have a drinking problem.

Dee74

a belated welcome filegal.

D