Sunflowerlife

Well damn- your last two comments tell a lot.
I'm really sorry that this is the support system that you currently have. What can you do this week to make new friends, to surround yourself with people who will get what you have been through or people who aren't big drinkers? Do you go to meetings? Do you have hobbies or is there a class you want to take?

I think the writing is on the wall here. You aren't happy, he isn't helping you, you are scared of going back to a life of hell and you don't have to. Do you pray or meditate? I truly believe we can find the answers we need when the time is right. Your gut will tell you then next decision you need to make for your survival and your happiness.

Money can be made. A new house can be bought. Friends can be made more easily than you think (try Meetup). You cannot, however, take back years of unhappiness. Do what you need to do for YOU.

madgirl

Yes, I have found an AA meeting space in my area. I plan on going.

When I left him two years ago, I stayed with my parents. Parents wanted me to reconcile, and H was scary - texting constantly, called me a bad mother and that I was ruining son’s life.

I moved back in, we bought a beautiful house and by and large life has been relatively ok. H isn’t usually a giant jerk at home and like I mentioned, he would drink a few beers at home in evening which I was totally ok with -

I can’t put my finger on it but I have a horrible feeling something clicked with that other mom and him. He really wants her to come over (and her husband, too, but he wasn’t on our trip.) Maybe it’s because she LOVED that he brought jagermeister, and she openly laughed at me all sober while he slurred his words and was totally gross.

I literally feel sick.

madgirl

I am terrified of being alone. Money, no one wants a middle aged woman, plus BOTH of our families (parents, anyway) will side with him.

Divorce is not an option right now, today. I do NOT have the nonchalant “oh just leave him” mindset. Life could get 10,000 times WORSE.

Sunflowerlife

There is definietly nothing nonchalant about ending your marriage. But you make is sound like you don't have any options here and you do. I turn 42 this year and have never even though of the term "middle aged." Life is too short to be unhappy whether you are 25 or 45. Sorry but 45 is not old! I feel like I'm still in my 20s most days (just a lot wiser, thank God.)

The bottom line is, find a way to change something- either the way you feel about all of this or the situation itself. Take baby steps to create a life outside of this marriage for your own sake. I know that the less I do outside of the house for ME, the more I focus on my husband, his issues and OUR issues. The more I do for myself (the gym, classes, interests) the happier I become because I am fulfilling my own needs rather than depending on him. At the same time, your partner is there to support and care for you. If he isn't doing these two things then they need to be addressed.

So forget the thought of divorce- what can you do to make this life better?

You said you have AA Meetings to go to. What else? Can you talk to him about how you are feeling? Can you open up about your fears? What about marriage counseling? Do you have your own therapist to help you navigate all of these feelings?

Berrybean

Madgirl. Please, take some deep breath and try to calm down.

It sounds like they were in drunk flirting mode in the hols and it's unlikely that anything will come of it, even if his ego is harbouring fantasies. If she comes over with her husband, I doubt that her husband is going to appreciate your husband's drunken antics or his wife flirting with him.
Alcoholics (active ones) are rubbish at apologies - chances are your husband is hiding in his vodka at the moment to avoid having to face up to himself and his actions last week. He is talking about having a drinking party, not a divorce. And you opting out of the drinking party is not going to bring on said divorce. B R E A T H E.

Get to the meeting tomorrow and give yourself some recovery space. Talk to people who DO understand. Honestly, it does make it easier to cope with our still-drinking partners.

Mine cut back in January, and he's doing quite well at this (kind of) with only a couple of blow outs. Trouble is, he doesn't do anything sober apart from play computer games, and he now seems a little peeved that I still go to AA and make time for my AA friends. And I do that because I don't really have much confidence in this moderation for any long term basis, so I know I'm still going to need that support a little down the line. Plus, I have better things to do with my sobriety than watch him play computer games!
Me going to AA doesn't change anything he chooses to do. But it means I'm no longer full of fear all the time, and l have people to talk to who understand where my obsessive mind and fearfulness can take me, and who can help me reverse back out of any dodgy alcoholic mindsets that I get myself parked in.

You don't need to solve your whole life right now, tonight. Time to find something to do to help you to relax and take back the space in your brain. You are in your beautiful home right now. Enjoy it. Dont let fear steal this moment. Our power is in NOW. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Right now. What about going to surf the the moment in a lovely bubble bath, then a good book and an early night.
You can deal with tomorrow tomorrow. And if he's been on the vodka there's no point trying to talk to him about anything.

BB

madgirl

It’s 1:00 pm where I am, and I am at work but will try to friggin relax later haha.

My gut has been screaming at me to just RUN and leave him and when I look at him I just think “you are an *******!!! Arrrggghhh!!”

But then I also start to think really scary things, like maybe I am overreacting with all this SR and sober business and maybe he would be thrilled if I was a party gal again (except it made me cry).

Yes. Breathe. This sucks.

madgirl

Thank you so much for talking to me. I really would be terrified if I didn’t have this site.

Berrybean

Doh. I always forget about the time differences. It's 6.30pm here.

One of the things that I've learned through AA / Recovery is the importance of staying in the moment. None of us can deal with a whole life times worth of challenges right now. And we don't need to. Sometimes when the pressures of life seem too much I just make myself a cup of tea and tell myself that my job, right this moment, is to drink my tea and sit with God for ten minutes. And the rest I'll deal with in ten minutes. That quiet time is a much better reset button than drinking used to give me, but it takes some practice, and a firm commitment to doing it and resolving to gently blow those other thoughts away when they float past (as they invariably will).

Your husband IS being a bit of an arse by the sounds of things, but I suppose we all can be at times. Maybe he's having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Maybe that other poor old dear is as well (tee hee).

BB xx

ReadyAtLast

When I got sober last time my husband continued to drink. I had changed so much and left him. I would rather be alone and happy than in an unhappy marriage. I've since re married in my 40s but would have no problem being single. You're stronger than you think. Wishing you all the best

Berrybean

By the way - when you were talking about those older women drunk-flirting with your husband I kept getting images of the episode of Murder She Write, when Jessica got drunk.... https://youtu.be/Li0_uKx-NTo

Probably not how it looked, but made me giggle nonetheless.
Drunk flirting never looks as sexy as the person thinks it does. Esp with more mature folk. You deffo should have videoed it and let them all watch it back. That would have shown them whose sense of humour was out of whack! Must admit, when drinking I was the world's worst flirt. Makes me cringe now thinking back.

BB

Bullwinkle1944

I’ve been where you’re at, madgirl. More than Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and ACA / CODA helped me become aware of 2 issues. Firstly, I wasn’t sober / recovered, I was just abstinent from alcohol. I didn’t realize that sobriety is an action of insights and skills far beyond mere abstinence. Sobriety is a creative discipline in the art of freedom of growth and of love. To be myself was to become myself.

My fear of being around alcohol, whether it’s at the super market or around those that drink is the indicator (symptom) that I was psychologically addicted. This for me wasn’t sobriety, it was only abstinence. Sobriety is clarity of behavior, that is engendered by thought. True freedom for me where I was no longer a victim, was accepting that I have no control over others drinking behavior, especially when it appeared to be alcoholic drinking, which of course was my case. This acceptance of myself helped me become compassionate for the alcoholic that still suffers.

madgirl

Esp. because our kids were all there, watching. Omg. Her THREE sons were there, dad wasn’t, and mom is drunk and spending time alone out on the balcony with their friend’s dad. Ughhhhhhhh

madgirl

Not that I am blaming HER, although she did keep offering my son drinks despite knowing I am a non drinker AND he is under age AND she is a teacher. THAT, I am pissed off at her for - yeah.

entropy1964

Hey Madgirl

I've been reading your threads. Wow. 2 years of relative peace and then the shlit hits the fan. My experience has been that this 'stuff' becomes a problem really early in recovery, as opposed to a ways down the road......so I was admittedly kind of speechless. Well I still am.

I can't help but think there is more fear in how you are feeling and reacting than anything. Fear of being left out, fear of being judged, fear of not being the party madgirl, fear of losing your husband, fear of being alone (btw, pls don't say that nobody wants a middle aged woman because I'm a lot older than you .....of course that assumes that I want a middle aged man...which I mostly don't . haha), fear of, fear of, fear of.......

I know my addiction is reactive as heck. Obsessively think, obsessively behave.
Stimulus, react. So in my recovery I am trying to really slow the heck down. When I find myself obsessing, worrying, fearing, freaking out I know it is time to seriously slow my roll. Frankly, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. I am the only one who can control how I react and feel. Everyone else? Well, they are outta my control.

I invite you to slow down. Yes, find sober friends and support (amazing you haven't done this yet in 2 years of recovery). Maybe take up an outside hobby, go to the gym. Find yourself some space. Then maybe you can slow down enough to pin point what is really going on. Because, as so often is the case, I think the alcohol is a symptom, but maybe not the core of the problem.

Berrybean

Yep. URGHHHHH!!
I know you're hurting right now, but hey, at least it wasn't the other way round, with you being the one drunk and behaving inappropriately in front of your son and all his pals. That's truly something to be grateful for.

I know this might seem counterintuitive, but it might help you to pray for them. Your husband and your daft drunk so-called-friend(s). That resentment prayer is pretty powerful y'know.

BB xx

God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.

madgirl

I get what you are saying. Yes, I need to learn and grow. As far as I can tell, though, the only person suffering was ME. My H had a friggin great time, so did that other woman.

madgirl

And the thought of serving her in MY house while she makes drunken eyes at my drunk ass husband does not cultivate any compassion in my heart - only vast irritation. Lol

Berrybean

I can imagine. So don't serve her in your house. I wouldn't.

But you know, that irritation only serves to hurt one person. Hence the power of that prayer. Because when we get rid of our resentments (and the fear that was also mentioned) that's when we can find some peace and serenity and experience a better quality of sobriety. And you know, justified resentments can be the hardest to work past because it can seem like we need to hold on to them to protect ourselves somehow. But they don't protect us. They're just like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Yes, you are entitled to that resentment. But that doesn't mean that it's gonna serve you well.

Now the fear, that's a whole different prayer. Another one that I use every day. Because I was fed up with letting that **** rule my life and jerk me around like some manic puppet. Because most of the time the things that left me quaking in fear and sleepless at night never actually happened. It wasn't actual events that stopped me enjoying my life, but my own fears, and enough was enough. I didn't get sober to let fear eff up my life for me. But hey - thats just me.

Here's hoping you'll get a more peaceful evening when you get back today.

BB xx

God. I pray for your help in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than me, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen over me, preferred to me, and increase in prominence when I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you'll use me for your will. God, please open my eyes and ears, and help me to recognise my inner child with compassion, but not be driven by her whims and fears.

AMEN.

madgirl

That is a lot to digest. Thank you. Will sit with this for a while.

madgirl

Does it matter that I am not sure whether or not there is a personal God who listens to prayers? Or no? Perhaps just work thru the exercise anyway?