madgirl

He stopped because he also wanted sobriety? The light came on for him?

And yes. Yes to resentment.

Sunflowerlife

I love this advice

madgirl

I can TRY doing that but it’s going to **** him off to host alone.

Gottalife

I guess you can settle for any kind of deal you like, though it often saddens me when someone settles for less than they deserve.

In AA we have this little prayer about having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change what we can, and wisdom to know which is which.

My life today has simplified to that simple decision. Do I accept it, or change it? I make my choice and leave the outcome in God's hands.

Both my late wife and new wife are drinkers in the social sense. We entertain often and never feel any need to control the consumption of our guests. I guess we have different friends now, ones that can handle their booze and drink responsibly/socially.

When I first got sober, which was before I was married, I had a lot of drinking friends, who drank in a way that was similar to my old pattern. They are not in my life today. I didn't allow that kind of drinking in my house, I didn't find their company enjoyable when they were over indulging. I left them to it.

It iis funny how alcoholics gravitate towards each other when they are drinking. By the same token, sober alcoholics sometimes get into relationships with each other on the basis of their shared interest in recovery.

A shared interest either in recovery or drinking is based in the common ground of having the same disease. There are much better grounds for friendships and relationships than having a disease in common.

BarbieKen

I'm 5 years sober. My friends are also sober. My Family is hosting a Games (??) Against Humanity (& other card games) "Game Night" this Saturday. Laughing is #1 !!! How can you not?? LOL!!

Hosting a party with drinkers? Nope, I'm busy hubby! Have fun guys, then go do something YOU enjoy. Simple advice. But, I know it's hard. That's how it works in Recovery, you & your sobriety come first.
Bobbi

bluedog97

I can sense your resentment in your post madgirl. And justifiably so. To me, your husband is acting disrespectfully expecting you to host booze-filled get-togethers, especially after you let him know how you felt at the beach. It sounds like he may have some alcohol issues of his own. He’d probably say he just likes to “have a good time” and stop being such a “dud”. But how many of us used to use those lines in the midst of our alcoholic drinking careers? Not saying he is one, just he seems pretty callous and adamant about it.

I agree boundaries are in order. And some soul-searching. You have to look after A#1 sometimes, your sobriety and sanity depend on it.

ReadyAtLast

Hi mad girl I agree with others who have said leave your husband to host alone. Yes it will annoy him but it's annoying you him hosting and having total disregard for your feelings. Your priority is to protect yourself and your sobriety.

There are also bigger forces at work here. As others have said your resentment is creeping in. Do you want to spend the rest of your life around drinkers and people who do nothing but drink.

Rar

I feel for you Madgirl. My husband is a heavy drinker and drinks whether our company is drinking or not. What has evolved during my sobriety, however, is that the wives or lady partners are starting to choose one of my sparkling waters, since many are trying to cut calories. They used to drink wine at my house. Perhaps some of your group will begin to choose alternative beverages. Hope so!

While I like the idea of separating yourself from the hosting duties of the alcohol get togethers, my husband would also be ****** if he had to do it alone.

What astounds me with my husband is that he wouldn't smoke in front of me when I was trying to quit smoking. However, drinking is another issue.

I don't really have much advice to offer other than to offer non alcoholic beverages as an alternative to your guests. Perhaps with the warmer weather approaching, others will be more inclined to have a cold sparkling water, iced tea or such.

Good Luck!

Berrybean

As much as it's going to **** you off if you do it? Think back to that condo! That was bad enough - but for that blatant disrespect to go on in your home?!?

His plans, as you have said, completely disregard your feelings, or that fact that your home should be your safe place. His circus. His monkeys. Let him get on with it.

Is there somewhere you and your son could go for an excursion? Cinema and meal. Drive out and explore somewhere new? I dunno.

I also agree that this would be much, much easier with a network of sober friends to support you, and who you could go out with or meet for coffee and chats. My sober pals have been rocks to me. Some from AA, and others from church mainly, plus one or two old school friends from pre-drinking days who I'd forgotten about for years then made amends to when I got sober. Why not look up some women's meetings and give them a go at least?

BB

Dee74

I don;t have any real experience to offer with this one madgirl as my home is an alcohol free zone.

It means less hosting and less invites to other peoples places but I think you can tell I'm not really worried by that anymore.

I made a firm, decision early on not to be around people who drank like I did.
It started as self preservation, and now its just the way I prefer it.

Sometimes I need to be - for work as a musician - but I'm always glad to leave.

I hope that your husband will snap out of vacation mode soon.

I also hope that maybe then you and your husband can talk this through and come to some compromise.

D

Sunflowerlife

I consider it part divine intervention and part fate- this was also part of his path. The morning I was going to give him an ultimatum about his drinking (which was causing severe issues in our marriage and putting our kids lives in danger) he came to me and broke down, saying he didn’t want to drink anymore. We was staring to black out and it scared him.

I consider myself lucky that this happened when it did because I was already divorced in my head. Now we live a quiet life with no weekend dinner parties or social events unless it’s with my family. We both like it that way thank God because I remember the pain when we were basically living two different lives. When we met we were both drunks so it’s been quite the evolution.

I think at this point there needs to be a sit down where you tell him your needs aren’t being met. I can tell you from experience that the resentment will only grow stronger if you can’t be open about this and come to some type of compromise. It’s been over a year since my husband has been drunk and I am still working on forgiveness of the things he did. Don’t let it get to that point.

aasharon90

When I got sick and tired of the life situation
I was in for so long, i used my recovery program
as my guideline, prayers and finally willingness
to do the footwork.....finding a way out.....then
it happened.

I exited the marriage of 25 yrs with a job
opportunity and moved back to my hometown
safe, sound and most of all, sober.

It may take being sick and tired, to make
a move on your part to achieve the life
your so want in sobriety. And remember,
you never have to go thru this alone without
the help of your recovery support system
here in SR and there in your community.

Stay strong and never give up on your
dreams of a healthy, happy sober life.

Maudcat

Hi, madgirl,
congratulations on two years. That is great!
Agree with the others that making some sober friends would give you tons of support, and that offering non alcoholic options at these get togethers may or may not catch on, if you agree to be part of the get together.
what I am hearing, loudly, is your resentment that your husband kinda backhandedly supports your recovery while carrying on drinking and hosting drinking parties.
I would be resentful, too. It feels disrespectful to me, imo.
Doesn’t sound as though he is in a great hurry to change things up.
You have spoken to him, he continues the behavior.
Sounds like the next step is up to you, whether it’s absenting yourself, or accepting that this is how it is.
I’m very sorry. This is a tough one.

Nonsensical

Mrs Nons still drinks. Her idea of a fun social engagement is to have people over for drinks and food. I find these gatherings rather dull.

I started buying tickets to theater and ballet for us. Stuff I like to do, but she also enjoys. Now she doesn't have as many gatherings at the house.
Win - win!

Bird615

My heart goes out to you.

My ex husband and I were both sober until he began to relapse occasionally. He never drank around me or had parties in our home, but the dishonesty surrounding it was one of the things that led to me leaving.

My partner between that marriage and the one I'm in now was much worse. He was a crazy partier and would have his party friends over and it was unbearable. I tried to be accepting, but I couldn't do it and had to leave to save my own sobriety and my sanity. I was out of my mind to ever get myself into that situation in the first place.

My current husband has no interest in drinking and that's a blessing. After what I lived through before, I don't believe I could ever tolerate that in my life again.

You will find your way in this, one way or another.

FireSprite

If I may offer this opinion -

I agree with your statement 100% but I'll wager that HE'S different as well - while you've been recovering, he's continuing to progress in his own addiction.

2 years of each of you walking in separate directions creates a very large chasm in the relationship. (I'm living it myself)

In your shoes, I'd be irked too. Yes, you can & should lay down boundaries. Yes, he should mean it when he says he supports you & his actions should back that up. That doesn't change the reality that you're living though - whenever I find myself "should'ing" all over myself I find it helpful to take a step back with fresh eyes & reexamine the situation.

I wish you the best of luck - this sounds like the next great challenge in your recovery, but it also sounds like you're grounded pretty firmly in your sober self & love the recovering version of You. That says A LOT right there.

Remember that you aren't in a race to decide the rest of your life - maybe you'd find it helpful reading over in the F&F forums while you're going through this?

Bird615

I will also add that it was my AA friends and regular meetings that helped me survive that crazy relationship.

madgirl

Thanks everyone for your advice and insight. I was very quiet yesterday at home as I unpacked from the beach, bought groceries and reset while H was also quietly drinking vodka (always a bad omen).

I was quiet because I was deeply hurt by his calling me a "burden" on everyone else because the shots pounding, yelling and general drunk craziness made me feel profoundly out of place and uncomfortable. I had hoped that he would be a FRIEND to me in that situation, and seek to protect me - not tear me down. I desperately wanted to feel cared for in that situation, as I get nervous anyway in social settings (that used to be a trigger for me to drink too much).

Not only has he not apologized, in my mind, he RELISHED the experience and seeks to recreate it as soon as possible. I think he was also straight up flirting with one of the other moms. He made her drinks, he constantly followed her around and sought every opportunity to engage with her.

When we met as kids in early 20s (I was married at 20, about to turn 21), we synced up largely due to drugs and alcohol. We were party buddies. I'm not surprised he was (is) attracted to this other woman as she is a good time gal and I am dull to him in my sobriety.

I am scared. I am really REALLY scared. I am 45 years old, this August I will have been married 25 years. I don't come from money, and I have no friendships outside the marriage. My mother supports my husband despite his alcoholism - all she sees is my big, beautiful house.

Did I mention that I am scared?

madgirl

I straight up pleaded with him - "please I don't want to be drunk madgirl! Please don't make this so hard!!" - to no avail.

Initially, I'd left him (two years ago) and he told me I'd never be able to get sober on my own. I think out of sheer stubbornness I have remained sober - but now I LOVE it, I LOVE the new me and the thought of going back sounds like an absolute hellish nightmare.

Sunflowerlife

Really well said here...I didn't even look at it that way but most likely his addiction has gotten worse while you have recovered. You mentioned he is possibly hiding his drinking, right? That's never a good sign, as we all know.