Hello, help, I need you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 32
Hello, help, I need you
Hello my name is Jacqueline I’m an alcoholic.
I’ve dealt with alcoholism since I was 20. I went to rehab at 25 And was sober for 5 years. When I turned 30 I relasped. And it’s been 2 years of hell. I’ve quit the longest... 30 days. I’ll feel amazed when I have two weeks. I’m self destructive. I suffer from anxiety and depression both of which I’m treated for. I’ve done therapy, smart recovery, AA, the steps, action plans, daily gratitude, hypnosis. I’ve wept and turned my life over to the universe only to be back to feeling normal 5 days later. Voices saying “yes your an alcoholic, it’s horrid but your functioning, you’re going to be fine!”
I’ve had so many hangover induced panic attacks and days of laying in my bed so horrified I couldn’t even function, the lonely gut wrenching thoughts you feel in addiction.
I got a DUI. I black out sometimes when I drink. I will drink about 5 shots worth of vodka 1-2 times a week. I chase the feeling. Its no new revelation. I’ve gone very deep into why I drink and don’t want to make this post endless but I’m terrified. I get all the next day anxiety, shame, guilt, I suffer deeply.
I have a good job I don’t want to loose it. I know alcohol will eventually separate me from everything that matters. I feel hopeless. I’m a very kind, loving, sensitive person and my drinking started as a coping mechanism. I try to be stronger then the voice, then the lies my lower self and alcohol tell me.
It’s always after work. HALT. Some days I make it through that drive home and it’s torture but i get home.
Some days my hand literally yanks the wheel towards the liquor store and in my brain “it’s ON” im like a different person in that moment.
I don’t like who I am or how I act when I drink. The things I do. It’s not me at all.
I’m so sad. I haven’t given up, I never will. I didn’t ever see this coming. After what I felt was a long time sober it crept up with a vengeance. I want to stop fighting, the hangovers, the shame, the self hatred and torment. The struggle, despair, the cravings. I give others so much love and I have a hard time giving it to myself.
After my DUI, 2 days in jail ( still in shock it happened, you always think your invincible ) I felt that would end this. I thought i came to my senses maybe finally. If anything it’s made the cravings more intense. The cycle. The insanity. I feel so sick today at work. Sleep deprivation... heart pounding anxiety. Blame.... “why do I keep hurting and abusing and medicating myself, I’m an amazing creature and I don’t deserve to do this to me” judgement.
I want this more then anything, to be free. To no longer suffer and be in constant pain and emotional turmoil. This is day 1
I could really use some love support and encouragement in this battle. Thank you 🙏
I’ve dealt with alcoholism since I was 20. I went to rehab at 25 And was sober for 5 years. When I turned 30 I relasped. And it’s been 2 years of hell. I’ve quit the longest... 30 days. I’ll feel amazed when I have two weeks. I’m self destructive. I suffer from anxiety and depression both of which I’m treated for. I’ve done therapy, smart recovery, AA, the steps, action plans, daily gratitude, hypnosis. I’ve wept and turned my life over to the universe only to be back to feeling normal 5 days later. Voices saying “yes your an alcoholic, it’s horrid but your functioning, you’re going to be fine!”
I’ve had so many hangover induced panic attacks and days of laying in my bed so horrified I couldn’t even function, the lonely gut wrenching thoughts you feel in addiction.
I got a DUI. I black out sometimes when I drink. I will drink about 5 shots worth of vodka 1-2 times a week. I chase the feeling. Its no new revelation. I’ve gone very deep into why I drink and don’t want to make this post endless but I’m terrified. I get all the next day anxiety, shame, guilt, I suffer deeply.
I have a good job I don’t want to loose it. I know alcohol will eventually separate me from everything that matters. I feel hopeless. I’m a very kind, loving, sensitive person and my drinking started as a coping mechanism. I try to be stronger then the voice, then the lies my lower self and alcohol tell me.
It’s always after work. HALT. Some days I make it through that drive home and it’s torture but i get home.
Some days my hand literally yanks the wheel towards the liquor store and in my brain “it’s ON” im like a different person in that moment.
I don’t like who I am or how I act when I drink. The things I do. It’s not me at all.
I’m so sad. I haven’t given up, I never will. I didn’t ever see this coming. After what I felt was a long time sober it crept up with a vengeance. I want to stop fighting, the hangovers, the shame, the self hatred and torment. The struggle, despair, the cravings. I give others so much love and I have a hard time giving it to myself.
After my DUI, 2 days in jail ( still in shock it happened, you always think your invincible ) I felt that would end this. I thought i came to my senses maybe finally. If anything it’s made the cravings more intense. The cycle. The insanity. I feel so sick today at work. Sleep deprivation... heart pounding anxiety. Blame.... “why do I keep hurting and abusing and medicating myself, I’m an amazing creature and I don’t deserve to do this to me” judgement.
I want this more then anything, to be free. To no longer suffer and be in constant pain and emotional turmoil. This is day 1
I could really use some love support and encouragement in this battle. Thank you 🙏
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Welcome Jacqueline
You have had 5 years sober before and there is no reason that you cannot do that again and kick the drinking for good this time. It sounds from your post that you, really, really want to succeed - you can and you will.
You have found a group that will help every step of the way and never give up on you.
You have had 5 years sober before and there is no reason that you cannot do that again and kick the drinking for good this time. It sounds from your post that you, really, really want to succeed - you can and you will.
You have found a group that will help every step of the way and never give up on you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 113
I completely relate! I hope you find the strength you need and the peace you deserve! Try not to be too hard on yourself! Everyone is fighting a battle we cannot see! Keep your head up and your feet to the ground and take it day by day! X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, Jacqueline and congratulations on day one. You have come to the right place for advice, help and support from people who really get it. SR has been a huge part of my getting and staying sober. You can do this and we are here to help. I hope you stick around and continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome to SR, Jacqueline - what a lovely name.
Really glad that you found this very supportive, understanding and encouraging forum.
It took me years and years to get sober; it has finally clicked and, while Imdidn't find this forum, until Imwas a little over two years sober, I credit the support here for sustained sobriety (now over 6 years).
Let's stay sober together!
Really glad that you found this very supportive, understanding and encouraging forum.
It took me years and years to get sober; it has finally clicked and, while Imdidn't find this forum, until Imwas a little over two years sober, I credit the support here for sustained sobriety (now over 6 years).
Let's stay sober together!
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Jacqueline.
Welcome to SR!
I can totally relate to never giving love to myself and using alcohol as coping mechanism. Sometimes it feels that I have no skin at all and my naked nerves are exposed to any abuse the world can throw on them.
So, I was horrified how I am going to cope with life without alcohol. But it turned out I can.
SR is a great community, and it's been a key ingredient to my sobriety (5 years 6 months). It's really important to communicate with people who are going through the same experience because it gives you hope that you can do it too.
There are many places on SR where you can post if you have cravings, need to share your struggles or just vent - weekenders thread,
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-9-2018-a.html (Weekender Apr 5 -9 2018)
Class of April (there is a new class for every month)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Or just start a new thread saying "I need your help" or anything you want to share.
Also you had experience of 5 years of being sober. That's quite a time.
I believe you can analyze your experience and see what helped you to stay sober and what triggered relapse.
And about triggers. By the time you are driving closer to that liquor store your brain is already "under influence" in some way. It is so loaded with dopamine in anticipation of reward that it's hard to think straight.
It's important to plan ahead and be sure you have zero chance to get anywhere near places where alcohol is available.
Best wishes to you.
Keep posting.
Welcome to SR!
I can totally relate to never giving love to myself and using alcohol as coping mechanism. Sometimes it feels that I have no skin at all and my naked nerves are exposed to any abuse the world can throw on them.
So, I was horrified how I am going to cope with life without alcohol. But it turned out I can.
SR is a great community, and it's been a key ingredient to my sobriety (5 years 6 months). It's really important to communicate with people who are going through the same experience because it gives you hope that you can do it too.
There are many places on SR where you can post if you have cravings, need to share your struggles or just vent - weekenders thread,
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-9-2018-a.html (Weekender Apr 5 -9 2018)
Class of April (there is a new class for every month)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Or just start a new thread saying "I need your help" or anything you want to share.
Also you had experience of 5 years of being sober. That's quite a time.
I believe you can analyze your experience and see what helped you to stay sober and what triggered relapse.
And about triggers. By the time you are driving closer to that liquor store your brain is already "under influence" in some way. It is so loaded with dopamine in anticipation of reward that it's hard to think straight.
It's important to plan ahead and be sure you have zero chance to get anywhere near places where alcohol is available.
Best wishes to you.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 40
Many, many hugs. I'm on seven months on Sunday. You had FIVE YEARS under your belt. You CAN do it again....one day at a time. Don't even think about tomorrow (now if only I could follow my own advice on thinking about tomorrow
).
Hang in there! We believe in you! You can do it!
).Hang in there! We believe in you! You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 32
Thank you all!!!
The hardest part is I’m living at home with my mom currently as if I lived alone, my family is terrified. And I am as well. Anyway- my mom has to deal with me and she does do alanon. Every time every week I relaspe I feel like I kill a piece of her. I see the sadness and fear in her eyes. I don’t even want to go home today. I just want to cry and hide be on here. I have an AA meeting. I think I’m just so depressed I hurt My family so much. That my disease has to effect them, and you would think it would be enough to stop. It kills me that is isn’t. I’m powerless.
The hardest part is I’m living at home with my mom currently as if I lived alone, my family is terrified. And I am as well. Anyway- my mom has to deal with me and she does do alanon. Every time every week I relaspe I feel like I kill a piece of her. I see the sadness and fear in her eyes. I don’t even want to go home today. I just want to cry and hide be on here. I have an AA meeting. I think I’m just so depressed I hurt My family so much. That my disease has to effect them, and you would think it would be enough to stop. It kills me that is isn’t. I’m powerless.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi and welcome angeloflight
I came here much l;ike yourself in tears at the way I'd return to drinking again and again.
The community here was a revelation to me - they understood my problem and they gave me the support I needed to turn my life around.
I know that you will find that too - you need never feel this way again Jacqueline - you're not alone
D
I came here much l;ike yourself in tears at the way I'd return to drinking again and again.
The community here was a revelation to me - they understood my problem and they gave me the support I needed to turn my life around.
I know that you will find that too - you need never feel this way again Jacqueline - you're not alone
D
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
Hey there Angeloflight. I’m glad you’re posting here, and I relate to everything you have posted. I have a few thoughts, and you can completely disregard them if they don’t work for you.
First, have you considered trying an inpatient program? I know it can sound terrifying and humiliating to go into rehab or detox, but as someone who never wants to go through alcohol withdrawal ever again, I believe that anything we can do to never take another drink, is worth doing.
Second, I know how bad it hurts to know what we are doing to the people we love. Have you considered inviting your mother to an open meeting with you? We can never really explain what we experience as addicts, but sharing part of our journey can help relieve the isolation of addiction. And, letting someone into our lives can help us find allies in our recovery.
And finally, if you want to create a thread to post whenever you’re triggered, I think that would be a great idea. Anything you can do to have another resource, or an extra pressure relief valve, is worth doing.
Thanks again for joining! I look forward to reading your posts.
First, have you considered trying an inpatient program? I know it can sound terrifying and humiliating to go into rehab or detox, but as someone who never wants to go through alcohol withdrawal ever again, I believe that anything we can do to never take another drink, is worth doing.
Second, I know how bad it hurts to know what we are doing to the people we love. Have you considered inviting your mother to an open meeting with you? We can never really explain what we experience as addicts, but sharing part of our journey can help relieve the isolation of addiction. And, letting someone into our lives can help us find allies in our recovery.
And finally, if you want to create a thread to post whenever you’re triggered, I think that would be a great idea. Anything you can do to have another resource, or an extra pressure relief valve, is worth doing.
Thanks again for joining! I look forward to reading your posts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 32
Thank you all,
Sweatyhands
I have teetered on the idea of outpatient many many times. For me it would mean loosing my job but at the same time.... what means more in the end? A Monotonous career or my health sanity life and well being? 🙈 if I’m not able to get it under control, I would...at this point consider 60-90 day in patient. Time makes such a difference.
I appreciate all your sentiments and thoughts!
I make my mom come to meetings actually. We’re open about it but because we’re so close, she’s ultimately very affected. Her father, brother, and ex were all alcoholics.
She loves the meetings, she’s know she can’t control it. I just see her fear and pain, I think we have a bit of a co depency issue going on. Today I was very surprised. I think She knew I was drinking last night and instead of a lecture, distance, or her being very depressed, she had a present in my room for me and gave me a huge hug. It was all I needed today. Since the DUI especially, watching me be arrested, I think She has some of her own pstd a bit.
Now I’m rambling but thank you again.
Any thOughts are always welcome to me
It’s so nice to connect with others who just get it
Sweatyhands
I have teetered on the idea of outpatient many many times. For me it would mean loosing my job but at the same time.... what means more in the end? A Monotonous career or my health sanity life and well being? 🙈 if I’m not able to get it under control, I would...at this point consider 60-90 day in patient. Time makes such a difference.
I appreciate all your sentiments and thoughts!
I make my mom come to meetings actually. We’re open about it but because we’re so close, she’s ultimately very affected. Her father, brother, and ex were all alcoholics.
She loves the meetings, she’s know she can’t control it. I just see her fear and pain, I think we have a bit of a co depency issue going on. Today I was very surprised. I think She knew I was drinking last night and instead of a lecture, distance, or her being very depressed, she had a present in my room for me and gave me a huge hug. It was all I needed today. Since the DUI especially, watching me be arrested, I think She has some of her own pstd a bit.
Now I’m rambling but thank you again.
Any thOughts are always welcome to me
It’s so nice to connect with others who just get it
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 32
I’m doing better !! Day 2 tends to actually be worse emotionally at times as once the physically ill symptoms have worn off, the mental games are torture but today I’m ok. I think The AA meeting last night and feeling supported here has really helped me. And I’m going to stick around. The next couple days will be the hardest. Thank you for checking on me ⭐️ how are you doing ??
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