tedsie096

This is my first day here and my first post. I have a hard time maintaining my resolve as the intensity of the guilt lessens. I go through the binge, feel guilty, quit, guilt lessens, decide to moderate and build up to a binge again. The thing that scares me the most is that I have been experiencing blackouts in the binge cycles. I know I have to quit NOW, the next blackout could ruin my life. I have gone through this cycle so many times over the last 20 years that my wife just rolls her eyes when I say I want to quit. I've said it so many times to her it's ridiculous. The thing is when I say I want to quit I truly mean it. I just don't know how.

Blueskies18

I'm glad you are here! Stick around and you will meet people here who know what you're going through.

3trees

keep coming back here. you can do this. i am new here this week and i have found a lot of support. the greatest thing is knowing i am not alone....

i have had the same binge cycle too, and the guilt is terrible...and then everyone forgives me, and then i do it again. the last time was easter weekend.

that will be the last time.

i have been sober all week, and i can already tell the difference. not just with how i feel, but with how happy and calm it has made my loved ones.

i will continue to come to this site and learn. there is a lot of wisdom here. i know nothing compared to others on this site. but i am here for you. just like they are.

you are not alone.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR tedsie!

I know that cycle all too well. I found it 'nonsensical'.

Alcohol lost its appeal when I filled my life with other things.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

tedsie096

Thank you all for responding. My wife is angry and fed up with me. I feel so alone and my anxiety is through the roof. I am hoping that when I feel less guilty. The folks on this site can remind me of how bad I felt today.

RetiredGuy

Welcome Tedsie! You sound just like I used to. I found this site last February and the support offered by the kind folks here has helped me to get and stay sober.

I assume every time you start to drink after a brief period of sobriety that you think this time is different and I will moderate my drinking. This was my problem for most of my life.

The sad truth for people like us is that we will never be able to moderate and the only rational thing to do is to give up alcohol forever.

It will be hard work in the begining, but I assure you that if you stick with it you will be very glad. I am happier than I have been in years. Good Luck!

Neena

That is excatly my cycle minus the part “I want to quit”-to my husband. I’ve stopped saying that to him because when he rolls his eyes...but I do think it’s hard for anyone who doesn’t have this addiction to understand the guilt n anxiety when it comes to drinking. It is an ongoing battle, I’m at the you can drink in moderation stage but not going to give in! -because clearly I cannot!!!! I wouldn’t be here otherwise! Take care and stay wrong. Your post has helped me today because I was ready to go there.

Buckley3

Yes. Yes it could. Not theory or platitude. Fact. Problem is, our brains - especially alcoholics - are wired to rationalize away imminent danger so that we can function. It works to keep us from becoming paralyzed in times of fear, but a bad side effect is that it allows us to do stupid stuff.

Many of us have been through this. Many. Unfortunately, sobriety isn't a matter of intention.

Step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

You're going to have to start being honest with yourself. It's humbling, but trust me you'll find amazing support and compassion both here and in the 3d world. You don't have to consider it a funeral, it's actually about hope and liberty and freedom! But it does require humility.

This isn't personal, I'd say it to anyone (and I remind myself of it every day) but until you get your ego out of the way, start educating yourself about the nature of alcoholism, and start taking actions to deal with it I'm afraid you will not break the cycle.

There's lots of support here and lots of resources to use to educate yourself about the problem and about various plans & paths for solving the problem. Whatever your chosen plan, you don't have to understand it all at once. You don't even have to believe in it all at once. But you do have to admit that what you've been doing isn't working and that you are going to try something different and see it through.

Be well. You don't have to live with this. There is a solution. But you have to do it. No one can do it for you.

-B

Nonsensical

If you had a friend who had a problem drinking, would you tell them the solution was to feel guilty for as long as possible?

I'm not saying it isn't important to look at the whole balance sheet. The cost of your drinking is on the rise, and you need to keep that in mind. What I am suggesting is there is a positive way to look at this and I think it is more conducive to long term sobriety to adopt a positive perspective.

Your current discomfort is the currency you have to pay for an opportunity at a better life. Too often we get focused on the discomfort and not the 'better life' part. We also forget to work on creating the better life. I quit drinking many times and expected a better life to run up my pants leg and bite me on the tookus. It never worked that way. I got much better results when I worked on creating a better life.

Drink a lot of water.
You have work to do.

You can do this.

Fly N Buy

Once it became evident over decades that my will power alone to quit wasn't enough, I sought external help including SR. I could not bootstrap my recovery and as difficult as it was or me, I had to reach out to other alcoholics.

That was almost 4 years ago and thankfully it did not require anymore than honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Those are essential.

Best,
Fly

Neena

I just went there! But I’m going to ✋
As I have to cook a huge meal tomorrow. But I thought be better that I have a hangover tomorrow rather than get drunk and say n do things I wouldn’t sober.i know the logic is upsetting.

tedsie096

I've gotten three takeaways.
1. Don't drink
2. Check my ego. I need outside help.
3. Stop feeling sorry for myself.This is a positive step so stop romanticizing the booze. It's not fun anymore.

tedsie096

4. There are alot of great people here that are ready to engage and try to help.

Thank you

RetiredGuy

I would recommend that you use Google as well as other areas of this site and learn what Addictive Voice Recognition Theory is all about, it really helped me!

CCFCAFC

Tedsie you sound almost exactly like me.

Get loaded, have a blackout for hours, wake up with no idea what went on...then as life went on and the guilt faded I convince myself I am right to go again. And guess what happens...the same thing.

This site is fantastic.

CreativeThinker

I'd like to add the following to your takeaways Tedsie:
1. Throw out all of the booze at home.
2. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism/know what to expect. There's a lot here on SR...check out the stickies (up top), as well as all over the internet.
3. Put together a plan (tool kit) for when you begin having cravings...we call it our AV (Addictive Voice telling you it's time to drink again..."I'm not that bad...I can have one"...).

Welcome to SR!
CT

Hevyn

I'm so glad you joined us, tedsie. I drank for 30 yrs. & my life had fallen apart when I first came here. Posting & discussing things with people who understand meant the world to me. You never have to feel alone, we all get it. You can get free & have a great life!

ru12

Sometimes I think we complicate this more than we need to. It comes down to making the decision to stop putting ethanol to our lips and swallowing.

You need to make the decision to stop and to never start again. Life will get better when you quit during Ted. You can be who you are meant to be free of this affliction.

Sunflowerlife

Maybe you can write in a journal so that you always have these feelings and thoughts to remind you of how you feel today and how you WANT to feel as opposed to this. Or write yourself a letter telling you that you are worth sobriety. You are worth feeling good about yourself. You are worth self love and respect and health.

As for your wife, I am sure a lot of us have felt like we "cried wolf" in the past too and that's ok. It's part of the journey. The way I see it (I have 11 months sobriety) is that sobriety, like most major changes in life, isn't always linear. So we rise up, we fall again. We rise higher, we fall again. Just keep on getting up and keep on trying.

You want this, I can tell. You will have this as long as you never give up.

This site is what helped me get sober. Any time I was tempted to drink I would write a post in either my monthly group or I would just start a new thread. Maybe you can try that?

Also, another thing I was thinking is this- can you sit down with your wife and just tell her how you are feeling? Tell her that you know you have said over and over again that you are going to stop but in your heart that is your true intention and you just can't do it all alone. Because that seems to be the bottom line- you need more support like most of us do. Can you find a meeting, a therapist- someone to help you on this journey? Or commit to using this site every day, every hour if you need to?

The only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking. That's the first step. You CAN do this.

Gottalife

I like your takeaway Tedsie. However, if I could have done the first, continuously and sustainably, I would't need the rest.

But I could not do that. What saved me was number 2 in the end. I got over my pride and ego (or had it beaten out of me) and asked for help with an open mind. I learned to take some specific action, and the drink problem disappeared.