Rar

My daughter and grandkids just left after a 3 day visit. My daughter lives a good distance away and so I don't see her much and when I do, the visits have been short. In fact, it's been 2 years since I last saw her. She doesn't (didn't) know of my issues with alcohol. These last days we've been touring venues, most which serve alcohol. The weather has been hot and sunny (88*). Anyway, at one alcohol kiosk she ordered a margarita and my husband ordered a beer. I asked for a virgin margarita, but they didn't serve that. There were no alternative non-alcoholic beverages except water (which I had). I felt so awkward walking away from that kiosk. She pushed her glass toward me and said, "Do you want a sip?". I jumped back like it was a snake and said, "NO!". She raised her eyebrows and looked very surprised at my over the top refusal. I strongly refused what she perceived to be a cold, refreshing drink at 88*. I keep thinking about the look on her face.
I don't know what I'm feeling. I think it's embarrassment and sadness.
l'll have to learn to be more casual in my refusals.

biminiblue

I react like that sometimes.

I don't think there is a "wrong" way to refuse alcohol.

I'm glad you had a nice visit with your family.

tomsteve

it happens Rar. it IS a snake and who knows how much poison you could take, but you may have tried to find out after the first bite.
ive done it myself. eventually i got to the point i could say,"no,thank you."
funny is when after that i get,"are you sure?"
and i respond with,"you dont have enough for me to have one."
tilted head look.

Rar

i get,"are you sure?"

Yes, I got that! It made me sadder. My daughter and grandkids don't know about my alcohol problem and I don't want them to.

tomsteve

but you dont drink now, so wheres the problem?
you USED to have a problem.

Rar

True - I don't want them to know I USED to have a problem either.

SoberLeigh

Like Bim said, there is no wrong way to say no.

I recently picked up my husband's drink - same glass, same kind of drink except his had alcohol; we were in a friend's home; I was in the middle of a group of people. I had a large amount of liquid in my mouth before realizing the mistake. I had to make my way through the crowd and to the kitchen sink - bathrooms were occupied - to release the contents into the sink. Not my most dignified moment and there were strange looks.

For us, not drinking is not drinking, and no is no.

Your daughter is a busy woman; I would bet that your reaction is already forgotten.

SoberLeigh

If she brings it up, you could casually say that you were on medicine and didn't want to risk the side effect.

You are doing beautifully,,Rar; be proud of yourself.

Rar

I'm thinking I probably gave myself away. Normal drinkers don't respond that way.

biminiblue

Well, think of it this way: if the conversation gets started, you don't have to disclose all the horrible details, but it might be important to have a conversation at some point with your daughter. If you believe that nature AND nurture contribute to alcoholism (I do) then a frank, "I was liking it a bit too much," conversation might get your daughter thinking about her own drinking.

There's no shame, Rar. You have something about your makeup that caused you to like drinking too much. It is what it is.

daredevil

Rar,

I think this a good line; it's comes off as pretty effortless, and good natured.

biminiblue

@ tomsteve.

My snappy comeback is, "I already drank my fair share."

Rar

Her 2nd husband (ex) and stepson are alcoholics. Her marriage was pretty miserable. She appears very normal to me in her drinking habits. (5 drinks in 3 days while on vacation). But then, I probably used to appear normal to her too. It's only my over the top refusal that probably seemed abnormal to her.

I didn't begin drinking heavily until I was about about her age (48). She was grown and son was in college. Neither child saw the amount I was consuming. Now, she's experiencing stress in her personal and professional life (lawyer), so perhaps you're right BB and I should at some point mention this to her.

tomsteve

Rar, ive been able to talk openly with my son about my past problem with alcohol. i didnt jump in with morbid details of events over the years. i focused on why.

biminiblue

Oh, I wasn't saying I thought you had raised her around alcoholism, just that there seems to be a possible phenotype/genetic makeup that is more susceptible to problem drinking due to how those people process it. Combine that with stressful life circumstances and it's a short leap.

I mean, I drank moderately for years until several big traumas in a short time frame caused me to start using it as medication. Turns out others in my family had similar trajectories.

Rar

I know BB. I understand. You raise a great point, though.

columbus

"I think it's embarrassment and sadness. "

Or...

an embarrassment of riches?

;-)

PalmerSage

I'm sure it was fine (we're experts at over-thinking things, aren't we?) but I've had good luck from just saying "I'm good" when offered alcohol. If someone said, "are you sure?" I'd probably try to be casual, like "yeah, I'm great with water" or "actually, I "need" coffee/caffeine right now!"

Dee74

Maybe not - but, even given her domestic circumstances, I doubt your daughter gave it as much thought as you are Rar?

I thought everyone thought about drinking and non drinking the same obsessive way I did. That's not been the case - Normies are way different, even normie daughters

D

3trees

"I thought everyone thought about drinking and non drinking the same obsessive way I did. That's not been the case - Normies are way different"

yes.