Don't like going home
 

Every day after work I dread going home. When I got home I drank. Not I get home and while I am headed home I get this horrible anxiety.
I am not anxious about drinking. I am not going to do that. I get a fear of death and loneliness. Worry about my daughter, my health, etc.

I have a therapist now and I am going to AA. I have a sponsor now and I am working the steps. I am starting to think I am not a normal person psychologically.

Has anyone had this experience? My husband last night (the one who called me a dud) said I am crabby since I stopped drinking but also said that I should feel good about myself for stopping.

I know you've posted about this before and I'm sorry going home is still not a happy experience for you chowchow - have you talked this over with your therapist at all?

D

Early in sobriety my emotions were all over the place. In the same day I’d feel euphoric joy for no identifiable reason, only to plunge into near tears depression. I couldn’t tell what was accurate or what to think about any comments made by others. My own thoughts sent me into emotional spins. But I knew whatever I felt, drinking wouldn’t help. I stayed sober, rode the emotional waves up and down, screaming inside the whole way. Then they began to subside until I felt stable. Notice I didn’t say normal. I’m not sure what normal is, but I could manage my depression and emotions well enough to not feel like I was on the edge of disaster all the time. Stay strong, sobriety will bring clarity.

It takes a while for family to come around IME, though it is great your partner appreciates your efforts.

I recall when I went to AA I ran into some problems too. I think what happened was that though I had stopped drinking, to everyone's relief, I had not yet developed far enough in the program to have that psychic change they talk about. Instead I was still running in my alcoholic mind because that was the only normal life as far as I knew.

When you take step four you will begin to see where that crabby thing comes from, and how that and other behaviours are what trip us up. We really begin to see cause and effect. I suffered a few grim moments brought about by my attempts to live the old (normal for me) way. I was changed by the steps.

Improvements in that area correlated almost exactly with my progress in the steps. And the strange thing was other people noticed the changes long before I did.

Here's an example. My last friend kicked me out of his life after I did something really stupid and dangerous at his house and nearly got him kicked out. That was three months before I went to AA. Three months after I went to AA I crossed paths with my friend as I was working step nine. A few days after that contact he offered me a small loan so I could buy a car to get to meetings. He later told me he had seen a huge change in me. It blew me away. I paid him back too.

Hey Chow Chow,
I totally get the anxiety ..worry about child's health ..death...
I'm in the midst of a rollercoaster ride with my emotions ..& my anxiety levels
Have trebled.
I'm guessing the booze numbed every...took the edge off life in general.
Now we're stone sober ...it's just all part of the learning curve of adapting to our new life...
Ps I'm uber crabby....( hubby will just have to suck it up ! )
X

When I first went to AA I didn't realise the importance of that serenity prayer at the end. Nowadays I think of it as what we wish for ourselves and each other as we go out into the world, and our lives, with heads that love to lead us down blind alleys of worry and anxiety.

We ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change
The courage to change the things we can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Unfounded worries, the ones that our head invents as a vaguely possible but awful tragedy do keep us lonely if we allow ourselves to live in them. Because no one (unless they too are an alcoholic or similar) is likely to understand why that worry is taking up so much of our headspace, and we know that. So it becomes a secret worry. And when we have secrets from our partners we're not going to be close to them. We become distant and lonely. And in our head those secret worries grow and grow and take over. That's one of the great things about having a sponsor. It means we can voice those crazy anxieties and they can help us decide if it's something that we need to choose to stop dwelling on (and yes, we can and do learn to do that over time) or if it's something that needs us to take some action - a docs appointment, a chat with our boss, or whatever would be the next small step that we should take to resolving a real problem.

Like the famous Mark Twain quote says, "I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened". (I've often wondered if he was an alcoholic). The thing is, when we let that worry grow and grow and take over our heads we actually feel the same trauma as if it really WAS happening. When I convince myself that my cat is showing signs of ill health and will likely die (alone and painfully) as soon as I pop to the shop) then that gives me the same worry and pain as if it is really going to happen (that was one that I treated myself to over several years - she did die eventually. In the vetinary surgery, peacefully in my arms at the ripe old age of 25 years). By the time she really did die I had put myself through the grief and guilt and trauma of it all hundreds of times. Yet she only died once. When we convince our self that our job in in jeopardy because we can't reach such and such a deadline - well, of course the worry itself is likely to affect our performance, and left to our own devices we can easily make a bad situation worse. I actually handed my notice in a couple of times because I was convinced that my boss was as disgusted with me as I was. She knew I was off and handed it straight back to me and both times managed to get me to talk through what was really worrying me - but I was pretty lucky there I reckon. Don't hand in your notice, please! Since working through the steps she definitely sees the difference in me, and says so.

Have you tried using that serenity prayer when the worries start? If not, that might be a plan. And find a way to talk to others about your worries before they take up too much head space. Often just saying them out loud will be enough to take the power out of them if they are unfounded and rootless. In meetings people may well have given you their phone number. That is the kind of thing that you can call for. And no, they won't think you're crazy. They'll just help you to decide how to manage that worry.

If there are certain times of day that you know are a struggle, then it might be worth reflecting on HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired). Certainly at the end of the day you could well be hungry. Perhaps you could pack an extra snack to eat about an hour before your journey home? (One of my friends is affectedreally badly by hunger as a trigger. If she's looking a bit wild, I'll always ask her when she last ate and try to steer her towards some food before we embark on any conversations). Tired is also likely to be there. And there may not be much you can do with that one other than be aware that it could be contributing to your state of mind, and be realky careful about the other triggers.

Commutes were very bad times for me pre-step work. They gave me too much dwelling time. In the end I bought a cheap little mp3 player and downloaded some of the AA speaker recordings so I could listen to them and get a little boost of AA when I most needed it. Could that be worth a try for you? http://www.recoveryaudio.org You can search by step or by theme, or by speaker once you know the ones you like.

Another suggestion - and this is something a friend of mine did, not me myself - was to maybe have a little change around of the furniture so your home doesn't feel quite the same as when you used to come and sit THERE and have that drink. Only a subtle change, but she said it helped her.

Anyway. Stick with it. Things WILL get easier as time progresses. You're doing great. Remember, just because it's tough at times, it doesn't mean you're not getting better or that you're 'doing it wrong'. It just takes time.

Hugs to you.

BB

First few months after I quit drinking I thought my wife was a b-word, my boss needed a punch in the nose, my kids were ingrates, and I was losing my mind. I had visions of chasing down other drivers and knifing their tires in the Walmart parking lot because they needed to be taught a lesson. I fantasized about ways I could ruin a local restaurant when my order wasn't perfect.

Sometimes people post on SR that they quit drinking and a few weeks later their lives are filled with rainbows and butterflies. There is definitely something psychologically wrong with those people. (I know because I watched a show about psychology on Discovery Channel once.)

You? You're probably fine.

You can do this. :ring

That made me laugh out loud !

That's me down to a T !!! :)

i can relate in a way-emotions/feelings all over the place. being by meyself with those emotions/feelings was new and unfomfortable. i had a 45 mile ride to and from work. id jump between cranking the stereo to that being too much so shut it off but the silence deafening so crank the stereo back up.
repeat.
i had a hard time sitting still-even at AA meetings. sitting still meant i was sitting with myself and my thoughts and feelings and i had absolutely no clue what they all meant.
working the steps helped tremendously. i was able to get to a point of being comfortable in my own skin and with life.

something on this:
I am starting to think I am not a normal person psychologically.

have ya seen people that are psychology normal? they scare the crap outta me!

seriously, imo, there is some normalcy going on- youre seeing problems and feeling feelings. thats rather psychologically normal, isnt it? youre seeking help for the problems. isnt that psychologically normal?
something from the BB on the 4th step:
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

i can feel good about stopping- have gratitude for that- and still be grumpy.
its very understandable to be crabby early on- theres probably a lot going on in your mind you dont understand-yet.

keep on puttin in the footwork,chow!:You_Rock_

Thank you. All of your responses are very helpful. My therapist is helping as is my sponsor. Right now I feel very lost but my life has changed since I am not drinking every night. It is wonderful to have the support here.

Thanks for posting this ChowChow, I relate for sure.....
Incredibly helpful advice from the wise folk at SR. I will keep re-reading this.....

I've definitely experienced this. I've isolated so much in the last few years that it seems worse now that I'm making an attempt to not isolate so much. I'm simply trusting that it will get better as I get more adjusted.

Oh, and crabbiness is to be expected. It's in the Big Book. We get irritable when we abstain. I'm no expert - still a newb to all this - but I interpret it as a reason to work the 12 steps as a means to recover instead of just be an irritable dry drunk with untreated alcoholism.
Best,

-B

I totally relate ChowChow. But imagine this. When you did drink upon arriving home, the end of the night came rushing at you. Now you have all this time! I have this hour to play on SR, then I have the next hour to do something else.

We have taken control of our time. And our money. And our skin color...and so much more.

I worry about being a dud too, but that's just the way it is.

Take care.