The (greater) stigma against mothers who area alcoholics
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The (greater) stigma against mothers who area alcoholics
I wish there was a larger counterbalance to the "give me my wine, I'm a mom" movement, sponsored by alcohol companies, but heartily embraced by a lot of women. The vodka and wine taps pictured in memes, the many FB communities, etc. I hate it. It glorifies the whole thing.
One of my biggest struggles has been regaining the trust of my oldest. Society (and religion) tells her that I have committed the biggest taboo of all (close to sexual molestation, I think). That is, I was an alcoholic and a mother, and it seems we are in the minority. She wouldn't even come to visit me in the hospital the second time. She truly resents me. I was an active alcoholic for about 4 years of her childhood (12 to 16). Some of that was hidden. I know it probably doesn't make it better, but I never drank and drove, didn't get a DUI and didn't get violent with my kids (my husband--yes, but mostly when they weren't around).
My younger daughter was much more forgiving. She came to the hospital and threw up in the hall because she was so stressed out, but our relationship hasn't sustained permanent damage, thankfully.
Well, today, we came full circle and I feel like it's a small victory in the women-alcoholic scene which I'm an unwilling member.
When I was in the hospital, I was treated by many doctors who are keyed into a community that we are a part of (too long of a story and too many complicating details). The upshot is, I don't know how many doctors told their gossipy wives, etc. I hope none, but who knows; it would have been a huge breach of ethics and I'm hoping no one went there, or, if they did, the wives have been smart enough not to gossip.
Fast forward to nearly 2 years of sobriety. My daughter asked me to host her and her friends at a swanky restaurant. Of course, I would have to drive them there as they are barely teens. I was very excited, but as we got closer to the event, I started to worry that maybe some in the mothers/fathers groups had heard about my alcoholism/hospitalization. I was obsessing and it was something I couldn't bear to think about.
The idea that this big birthday party would be canceled at the last minute was almost physically painful. I kept wanting to kick myself (to put it mildly) for what I'd done. I probably wouldn't have let my child go (knowing what I know about the lies alcoholics tell). I was so close to putting a limo on backup. And, i was going to do that, even if it meant cutting into our savings. Maybe that would have been foolish, but, honestly, I was going to make this birthday party happen.
A couple times over the weekend, I found her sort of quiet and depressed and I wondered if someone had texted that they couldn't go.
Yay! It went off without a hitch. All five girls came and I don't think anyone knows anything. Yes--it may have been paranoia and my mind and guilt were probably playing games with me. I'm so tired of the consequences of this. No matter how far out, it seems they are there. They will continue to be there with my oldest. This one was young enough to where it didn't affect her in deep ways and I get to be the on point mom for her pre-tween/teenhood.
I wish I could take time back. Can't say anything positive about the drinking stint. I'm glad this went well and we are back.
One of my biggest struggles has been regaining the trust of my oldest. Society (and religion) tells her that I have committed the biggest taboo of all (close to sexual molestation, I think). That is, I was an alcoholic and a mother, and it seems we are in the minority. She wouldn't even come to visit me in the hospital the second time. She truly resents me. I was an active alcoholic for about 4 years of her childhood (12 to 16). Some of that was hidden. I know it probably doesn't make it better, but I never drank and drove, didn't get a DUI and didn't get violent with my kids (my husband--yes, but mostly when they weren't around).
My younger daughter was much more forgiving. She came to the hospital and threw up in the hall because she was so stressed out, but our relationship hasn't sustained permanent damage, thankfully.
Well, today, we came full circle and I feel like it's a small victory in the women-alcoholic scene which I'm an unwilling member.
When I was in the hospital, I was treated by many doctors who are keyed into a community that we are a part of (too long of a story and too many complicating details). The upshot is, I don't know how many doctors told their gossipy wives, etc. I hope none, but who knows; it would have been a huge breach of ethics and I'm hoping no one went there, or, if they did, the wives have been smart enough not to gossip.
Fast forward to nearly 2 years of sobriety. My daughter asked me to host her and her friends at a swanky restaurant. Of course, I would have to drive them there as they are barely teens. I was very excited, but as we got closer to the event, I started to worry that maybe some in the mothers/fathers groups had heard about my alcoholism/hospitalization. I was obsessing and it was something I couldn't bear to think about.
The idea that this big birthday party would be canceled at the last minute was almost physically painful. I kept wanting to kick myself (to put it mildly) for what I'd done. I probably wouldn't have let my child go (knowing what I know about the lies alcoholics tell). I was so close to putting a limo on backup. And, i was going to do that, even if it meant cutting into our savings. Maybe that would have been foolish, but, honestly, I was going to make this birthday party happen.
A couple times over the weekend, I found her sort of quiet and depressed and I wondered if someone had texted that they couldn't go.
Yay! It went off without a hitch. All five girls came and I don't think anyone knows anything. Yes--it may have been paranoia and my mind and guilt were probably playing games with me. I'm so tired of the consequences of this. No matter how far out, it seems they are there. They will continue to be there with my oldest. This one was young enough to where it didn't affect her in deep ways and I get to be the on point mom for her pre-tween/teenhood.
I wish I could take time back. Can't say anything positive about the drinking stint. I'm glad this went well and we are back.
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