Ain't nuthing but a muthaf***ing thing......
 

Well damn. Makes no sense at all to go back. I put together several days of sobriety. I am capable. It was a bullmess reason for me to relapse. What was I to expect? Years of drunkness, and she strayed? Do I really blame her? Honestly, who gives a rat's patootie?? This has to be about me and who I want to be.

I don't want to succumb to "triggers". When I heard what happened, I should have called my sponsor at the very least. I should have called my daughters. Anything but drown myself in scotch. Which, by the way, cost me staples n my head (I originally thought is was stitches), loss of memory, and a whole host of other stuff.

I wish I could say this is the turning point. I have thought that several times. All I can say is yet another lesson learned. I am so tired though. I want a new life. My old life. As so many have said, Dee, Anna, Chloe, Mindfulman, etc., etc. have said, just have to make the decision. That is one thing that stood out to me in the AA BB. Make the decision. so far, all I have done is express aspiration.

But I have learned the "decision", is not singular. It is a painful and terribly hard. And must be made day to day, even moment from to moment.

I am picking up the pieces today. My head is cloudy, and aches, but one thing I know, I want a better life. the life of promise and success I knew I would have. But now seems like a pipedream. Time to dig deep. Admit once and for all that I am a FRICKING ALCOHOLIC WHO IS POWERLESS OVER THIS POISON. It is NEVER an option.

I have so much I have t do in the next several days. But I will power though this M-Fer. I will. This doggone thing will not lick me. I have worked too goshdarn hard to throw it all away.

I will be back my friends. I will update you. I wish so much we could all have a big reunion or something. I love London. But in any event, thanks for the inspiration. I will not quit quitting. :)

I'm sorry it was a painful and costly lesson but I;m glad you're back Horn :)

D

That's the way to pick yourself up, lean into the pain,
and get going on change and healing.

:kickbutt

I wouldn't wish what you've been dealt on my worst enemy. I feel for ya. I think it would be a high priority to stay sober and keep your wits about you for the foreseeable future. Get pissed off, stay sober, and fight back. Come out the other side a winner.

You are not alone Horn. When the obsession comes back, the last thing we will do is call anyone. It doesn't come to mind. Part of the insidious nature of the illness. It is why we use the term "beyond human aid". No one seems to be able to keep us sober. No one has just the right words to change our lives. That's powerless.

You have expressed an asipration, very strongly, but it seems you lack the power to carry it through. Desire is not enough I found.

I am not sure about the multiple painful decisions. That is not my experience. It was painful to concede that self reliance had failed me, that alcohol had me beat. That is step one and a lot of us fight it to the last. It wasn't so hard to find a willingness to believe a power greater than myself could possibly help me like he had helped the many other sober alcoholics I met in AA.

Then can a decision in step 3 which I have made only once and never gone back on. That was to appoint a new manager, and take the remaining steps to make that appointment a permanent and reliable part of my existence. That wasn't hard or painful, it was a relief to get rid of the clown that had been trying to run things.

One thing I have never needed to do is make a decision on a daily basis to not drink. Experience told me I lacked the power to carry that off so why even go there?

My decision was about working the rest of the steps and sincerely seeking the Power that could solve my problem. When I did that, the obsession left me. JME

With you all the way, Horn. Always will be. You're doing this.

Yes, it has to be about you Horn. Your time to focus on your journey.

Van Morrison's song, Ancient Highway, comes to mind.

Dude, this wasn't a "trigger." It was a punch to the gut at 2 weeks sober.

I'd like to say I would not have drunk over it, but I'd be lying. Maybe not, at 2 weeks I was still in inpatient. I watched marriages fall apart while there. Most people left and got drunk or high when it happened.

Truth is I would have been on the floor in more ways than one. I know myself at that stage.

The important thing is what you started. Get up and dust yourself off and get back on the horse. In a weird way, since you're a lawyer and there are lots of things to do if this does indeed go to a messy divorce it actually gives you something to do and distract you from cravings, etc.

I know this is very easy to say and VERY difficult to do, but don't lose yourself in anger and resentment, or at least try to do so as little as possible. Resentment (and solitude) are the two biggest enemies of sobriety for me. Rather, try and treat it as a problem to be solved. As best you can.

You need help here. If you don't have supportive sober friends, use us. And get the hell into a lot of meetings and start talking to people. A lot. Like your sponsor. It's your turn to get help now. Don't try and man up and be all stoic and sh*t. Not at this point. Find a shoulder to cry on and wet that mofo.

Alcoholism is a disease with a very simple cure. Don't lift that drink to your mouth. It's compliance that's hard.

You know what you need to do. Get help and doing it. White knuckled, dig in your fingernails.

You're a strong guy and larger than life. You can do this.

So glad you are here and posting today Horn. I can here determination and resolve to remain sober in your post. I know you can and will do this.

Glad you're back Horn.

BB

Horn,

You said that you learned the "decision" (to stop drinking) is not singular.

It can be as singular or plural as you make it.

Glad you see what you have.
A royal flush.
Don’t fold on it horn.
Good luck mate

As you can see, the “decision” needs to be made every day until it is habit.

I'm sorry, Horn, but I'm so glad you are not giving up.

Horn95 I feel your pain today but I'm here to tell you it is NOT a pipe dream!
You're back, dusted off and ready to give this everything you've got and I mean EVERYTHING. I mean, we're her saving our lives after all aren't we?
I understand what you meant about the decision being a process rather than a light bulb moment in a way. I thought I'd made the decision on April 19th 2017 and then had another go at it on 29th July 2017. Just once but once was enough. I was done. My hatred for that poison was so strong that nothing was going to deter me from my mission to grab sobriety by the balls and suck up whatever pain or craving this addiction threw at me. Oh and it tried it's best!
8 months later I still love my sobriety with a passion. The freedom is like nothing else I've experienced!
THIS IS YOURS FOR THE TAKING TOO MY FRIEND!
I wish you well and look forward to seeing more of you on your journey to sobriety. Take care today xxx

Really good to see you on here Horn. Really very good. I quit so many times i lost count. Part of my recovery now is SR and accepting and playing through the tickertape of "one drink leads to two, two drinks leads to the bottle, one bottle leads to two, a hangover, guilt, injury (i have scars where i fell over and didnt remember till i looked in the mirror the next morning, carried bin bags with broken bottles i was hiding instead of putting in recycling and cut my leg open - the list goes on). Sober life is calmer. You will get there. Just need time to let your body breathe a sigh of relief that youre free of the devils juice, ok? So keep coming here and sharing with peeps so we can help support.

How you livin' Horn?

A life well lived in the best revenge, you know that right?

Check in with us.

and how are you today Horn??

Hey Horn,

Kudo’s to you for posting. You were dealt a heavy blow early on in sobriety. Keep fighting. Take that anger, pain, whatever it is and turn it around to fuel your sobriety. You’ve got this. Even if you don’t right now,, gather yourself up and get back in the game. This alcoholism crap isn’t for sissy’s. If it were easy we wouldn’t need SR.

Horn, I hope things are better today. I was puzzled about your reference to a decision and the AA Big Book.

I was powerless over alcohol. I made the decision to stop hundreds of times, but couldn't make it stick. Could that be because I was powerless over alcohol?

Eventually I made a decision to join AA in order to stop the misery. I never made a decision to stop drinking. Reference to such a decision appears nowhere in the basic text. The nearest thing I could find was "We assume the reader wants to stop" There is a good deal of reference to making firm resolutions (decisions) to not drink and failing with that approach. A desire to stop and a willingness to go to any lengths is the main thrust of the program, again because our decisions have not stood up.

My most important decision, it turns out, was the step three decision, which lead me on to the rest of the steps. By the time I was at step nine the problem was removed and with it went the need for any choice or decision.

I was never able to make a decision to stop stick. So it was pointless to try. With the problem removed, I wake up each day with no thought about whether to drink or not. I lost the power of choice a long time ago and I never got it back. Instead I have been placed in a position where I don't even think about making a choice. No decision required. That's the miracle of it.