Functioning denier
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Functioning denier
Hello,
I am 24 and dating a functioning alcoholic who is 35 years old. We've been dating for almost a year now and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. He had 3 DUIs 10 years ago, still smoked and drink when we met but blamed his "loneliness" for his habits. We were in different states so he said he would like to stop living the way he did and move closer to me. Me being the oblivious and positive person who has 0 experience with an alcoholic, I was hopeful. He came, immediately found a job with weird hours, stayed up and drank beer all night while playing video games for 3 months. When he left that job things became clear to me, because he would start playing his games in the morning and start drinking in the afternoon. He wanted me to sit next to him and smile.
Long story short, we had lots of fights between December and now. He denied everything at first, until 3 days ago. He said the court sent him to AA meetings so he knows how this works. He said if he sets the days to drink and limit the number, then it means he is an alcoholic. I had to calm myself down and explain how he already is one and limiting is just one of the steps...
As you can imagine this is the shortest version of the story. I made mistakes in my communication with him, but Gosh isn't he hard to explain things. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'm typing this while he is sleeping next to me stinking booze and weed. He probably drank "only" 4 beers last night but he set limit to 3. I don't know how I can handle this.
On a quick note: Before I came to the US, away from my miserable life I was a heavy drinker. I drank and got high for 2 years straight, no breaks whatsoever. However, it wasn't hard for me to stop that, I don't even like the sensation now. So i have no idea how to deal with someone who enjoys ups and downs of these unhealthy "habits".
Thank you...
I am 24 and dating a functioning alcoholic who is 35 years old. We've been dating for almost a year now and it's been an emotional rollercoaster. He had 3 DUIs 10 years ago, still smoked and drink when we met but blamed his "loneliness" for his habits. We were in different states so he said he would like to stop living the way he did and move closer to me. Me being the oblivious and positive person who has 0 experience with an alcoholic, I was hopeful. He came, immediately found a job with weird hours, stayed up and drank beer all night while playing video games for 3 months. When he left that job things became clear to me, because he would start playing his games in the morning and start drinking in the afternoon. He wanted me to sit next to him and smile.
Long story short, we had lots of fights between December and now. He denied everything at first, until 3 days ago. He said the court sent him to AA meetings so he knows how this works. He said if he sets the days to drink and limit the number, then it means he is an alcoholic. I had to calm myself down and explain how he already is one and limiting is just one of the steps...
As you can imagine this is the shortest version of the story. I made mistakes in my communication with him, but Gosh isn't he hard to explain things. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I'm typing this while he is sleeping next to me stinking booze and weed. He probably drank "only" 4 beers last night but he set limit to 3. I don't know how I can handle this.
On a quick note: Before I came to the US, away from my miserable life I was a heavy drinker. I drank and got high for 2 years straight, no breaks whatsoever. However, it wasn't hard for me to stop that, I don't even like the sensation now. So i have no idea how to deal with someone who enjoys ups and downs of these unhealthy "habits".
Thank you...
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
As for dealing with an addict, you can either accept it, because there is very little chance of you influencing his decision to get sober, or you can not accept it.
If you don't accept it, you either leave, or boot him out.
At one time I was 35 with a history of drug use and in denial about the problems my drinking were causing. I didn't get sober for 20 more years. You want to wait around that long for your bf?
As for dealing with an addict, you can either accept it, because there is very little chance of you influencing his decision to get sober, or you can not accept it.
If you don't accept it, you either leave, or boot him out.
At one time I was 35 with a history of drug use and in denial about the problems my drinking were causing. I didn't get sober for 20 more years. You want to wait around that long for your bf?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Wow. I'm confused by how you're using the word "functioning" here. Nothing about your story makes it sound like you BF in functioning to me (THREE dui's, court ordered AA, obsessive game playing, "sleeping" (past out?) next to you reeking of alcohol . . . )
I have to agree with Carl. Your situation seems to fall under "things you can't control". I guess you have to decide how long you are willing to tolerate it. Perhaps you'll be able to hang in until (if) he decides to work his way to sobriety. The only thing you can really control is how long you're wiling to wait on him.
Good luck and ((hugs))
I have to agree with Carl. Your situation seems to fall under "things you can't control". I guess you have to decide how long you are willing to tolerate it. Perhaps you'll be able to hang in until (if) he decides to work his way to sobriety. The only thing you can really control is how long you're wiling to wait on him.
Good luck and ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Thank you both so much for your honesty. I honestly don't know anything about this situation. I have high goals and have been working towards them regardless of anything negative I had in my life. I will keep doing the same. It's just... heart breaking for me. I know I'm young but I've never loved someone before him and it hurts to let go. He has some goals like going back to school and starting his business but we will see. I am trying to be "me" and not do any more harm. Hopefully not enabling though, he knows how much I hate it and I never took a step back.
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