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Old 03-29-2018, 01:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Cool

Should I make him leave?


Hi everyone,
I've been reading many of your threads and feel encouraged to reach out, myself. This may be long but I will try to keep it short.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years. When we first got together, we were both unhealthy. He was a functioning alcoholic, and I was dependent on marijuana (with tobacco) and was drowning in repressed feelings. 6 months in, he checked himself into the Salvation Army because he felt his addictions had gotten out of control. He has a history with narcotics and the drinking lead to a meth binge that scared him sh*tless. I stuck with him during the 6 months and MAJOR healing happened individually for us.

*side note: we are both faithful believers and children of divorce and addiction. I, myself, have been in recovery for an eating disorder since I was 16. Therefore, I respect the recovering addict's journey and appreciate the breadth of emotions we are able to experience.

Anyway, things were great during and after that time in recovery. I was delivered from my marijuana dependence, went through a healing journey and repaired relationship with my parents. LOTS of work and grace.

We moved in together after that first year- still great. Communication A+. Then moved about 500 miles from our hometown to a place we both love.

Here's the rub - he ever plugged in to the recovery community when he got out. We went to church and volunteered and all that good stuff but I always tried to encourage and support him in getting involved. He just really sucks at structure and has some anxiety around new situations and used it as a rationale or something to not go.

So you can imagine my absolute panic when I saw the first beer. Lots of discussions followed, humility on his part, understanding and urging on mine. One meeting, more beers over time. Until I got to the point where I let go of control and excepted that he was going to do what he was going to do and the Truth would come to light.

Well, it sure did and I'm heartbroken. He started spending all his time in the shed, stopped going to church, made better acquaintances with our sketchy neighbors and got his priorities alll mixed up. Throughout the whole thing, I have had so much patience, tried my best to love him and be kind to him even when it wasn't easy for me to do. He has been nothing but humble and apologetic. Never any sort of abuse.

Recently, something kind of switched in me and I can hardly see him the same. The pain of the current situation over the past couple months has been so much for me. I told him he needed to move out and that we are not romantically involved anymore in the hardest conversation of my life. He was crying, I was crying, and he told me I was strong and smart and that he'll work on getting a new place in order. Also that he's not giving up on himself or running like he's been known to do. He said he needs until the end of this month. I said okay but laid out some very clear boundaries for my own sanity, like being done with the shed by 10 and of course, any suspicion of using, I can make him leave.

So, since then we have not been romantically involved, have been sleeping in different rooms. We're amicable but our relationship is totally different (it's been a little over a week). I feel like I need time and space and that his structure and recovery treatment needs to be created on his own. I have nothing left in me to help him. I've been getting involved in meetings and it seems like he is too. He's been much more clear headed, and I observe him opening up his recovery literature and making phone calls to the right people.

Up until today I've been very confident in my decision of making him leave. And genuinely look forward to having the freedom and head space to devote my time to whatever I want. However, seeing him work at it and fight for his life and the life we've made together is pulling on my heart strings a little bit. I've also been less emotionally available for him started hanging out with friends and doing my thing more. It's still just a sticky situation.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you all in advance! <3
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Old 03-29-2018, 03:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Is he still drinking right now?

Or did he just relapse?

Other than that, I think a major problem is that you're expecting him to recover exactly like you. Some people are more introverted and all the meeting and stuff can wear them down. So I don't think that needs to be the issue you think it is.

It all depends on what the situation is, if he's relapsed and stopped drinking again, then I don't think you've said anything here which would make me break up. If he's still drinking, then that's a different story. Sorry, I just couldn't tell what you meant.

Also, does he believe he's an alcoholic, or did he go into recovery for narcotics alone? Keep in mind his addictions sound more severe than yours, so recovery can be much harder.

Of course, it's your life, if you don't want to be with him you don't need a good reason, you just don't whether he's drinking or not.
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Old 03-29-2018, 05:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome Fifik1

Quote:
I feel like I need time and space and that his structure and recovery treatment needs to be created on his own. I have nothing left in me to help him.
Heartstrings aside, sounds like your choice is pretty clear?

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Old 03-29-2018, 05:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Sarahsays,

I realize I didn't clarify. In the past month, it has come to light that he relapsed on not only alcohol, but pills (idk what kind), and meth. As far as I can tell, since I changed the status of our relationship, he's been more active in recovery, but I know he is smoking weed....trying to get off everything. The only thing I'm going off of is his time spent inside and hanging out versus the time he'd spend outside in his shed when using.
This was a helpful response. I think you're right. For me, recovery was really tough but I threw myself into community (because I enjoy people and connection) and over time I got better. He is definitely an introvert. I want to be with him, but I'm much more attracted to him when he's aware of his weaknesses and actively working to stay healthy.
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