NotOnlyMe

I messed up again royally. My "just a few" drinks turned into 12. I should have been going to work this morning. Instead, I put in my resignation because I keep missing days and I don't like the thin ice or coming up with an excuse. Not the first job to go down this way.

I got into a fight with my soon to be ex husband just when I thought we might be making a little progress toward an amicable relationship. He could tell I was drinking over the phone, but I denied it. Sigh. Now I feel like apologizing but then I would have to admit that I was drinking. I don't want him to use it against me. The fighting always amplify things for me and it is a huge trigger. I become self destructive, lose control, and throw in the towel. Especially if I have already started drinking.

I agreed to go to the neighbors house for drinks this weekend and now I don't want to go because I just feel sick and disgusted with myself. She is not a very understanding person and takes things personally all the time.

I feel sick and mentally unwell. My doctor recently put me on buspirone for my anxiety. It has me feeling really scattered and a little weird. I hate these medications, but without them, I get weepy and horribly depressed. I am not ok, not at all.

AV follows me around like a monkey on my back, constantly nagging in my ear. There is never any releif, even on my best days. In fact, sometimes my best days are the worst because I start to think maybe things will be ok, and I fool myself into drinking. Things aren't ok. They never are.

I feel like my son deserves better than me. I just can't seem to figure out how to be the person I wish I was. I'm ashamed and I feel like giving up completely. I am seriously lacking a way to cope.

Ive confided this to a long distance good friend of mine and even coming from someone who also abuses alcohol, he says I need help. Help... I need a stronger line of defense from myself. How do I get help?

I have a little one to watch and don't have the freedom to just go to meetings whenever. I can't exactly take him there. Not only that, but my anxiety keeps me from speaking up in public. I love this site and it has helped me many days and even months at a time before, but I am finding it much to easy to just close my computer and listen to AV when it really gets the best of me. Not wise, I know. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough? I feel like I am trying so hard and struggling and losing.

I was in therapy, but I quit going because my therapist would only listen and never give me any feedback. For months. Not only that, but I felt I couldn't be completely honest because I am scared to death they will take my son. I cant bear the thought.

Is it in his best interest for me to turn him over to his father and check myself into a treatment facility? If there even is one that medicaid would cover. I hate that idea. Then my alcoholism will be on record.

I am not a religious person and spirituality has never been my strong suit.

I've acheived sobriety for 3 to 6 or 7 months at a time before, but I can't seem to stop my chronic relapsing. I feel like such a failure. I am constantly wanting to feel something better than just blah. Because in sobriety, that has been incredibly rare for me. The alcohol works for that until it swings back around and hits me 10 fold with nothing but sheer misery. I was considering that maybe it is a dopamine deficiency. I don't know.

Am I just making excuses for myself? I don't even know.

When will the nagging AV stop? Alcohol is ALWAYS on my mind in some way or another. Lots of days I win out over it. Some days it gets the best of me. It's those days that matter the most, because they can tear down my world in a single evening. And the times that it doesn't are dangerous too because then I start to convince myself that I can do it. But it never, ever goes away and I am so tired of fighting with the inner dialogue. I don't want to fight this fight anymore but I don't want to lose this fight even more. Why can't it just stop???

biminiblue

Honestly? It doesn't stop. It dies down quite a lot and the longer you are away from your last drink the easier it is, but the inner dialog? It's still there years later. It has no power, it's just a residual memory/reaction.

Just have an answer for it. For me that is, "Hm. A drinking thought. I don't drink."

Then it fades off.

It does take a little time for the thought patterns and habits to slowly fade and it's uncomfortable in the early days, but you can face it down. Make the commitment, and do so.

BreezyFe

I have felt the same way as you. Will I ever stop? So far so good. But with my history of relapses you never know. But I do know this time I'm trying my best to not listen to the AV. Each time I've relapsed in the last year I learned a little bit more about myself-knowing my triggers, keeping busy when the AV starts etc.

When my babes were little & I made an ass of myself during a drunk stupor~I did outpatient 2x's a week. It was a small group 8-10. It was great & did it for a month. However I got a RN (who did not drink) that wanted me do a female group for a week thereafter for abstinence, and I had a male friend & wanted to do it with him. She said no. So I skipped it. Pissed me off. I've always had problems with any type of recovery I found. So after relapsing over & over, I have learned what I really need. No one knows you better than yourself. Take the advise & sort it out. I found SR extremely helpful & love all of you.

oh-does your dr. know you have a drinking problem? Get new meds. My dr. put me on anti-depressants when I first went to him for my drinking problem . After a few months he took me off them stating that the alcohol was depressing me & he was right.

Members here with lots of sobriety under their belt say it does get better. I believe in my heart that they are right. I'm still in early sobriety and ;look forward to being in their shoes one day.
Best to you.

Zanna

lets get this down to basics - alcoholic has a drink - hardly headline news.
What is the solution in your own personal circumstances?

yinzer

Sorry about your job. Make your new job a commitment to yourself. First, cancel those drinks with the neighbor. Sounds like she’s no real friend anyway.
AV will be there always. I like Biminiblue’s answer to it. Just because AV talks, doesn’t mean you have to listen.
And take it one day at a time. Have a plan, but don’t get so caught up in the future and the big plans and the what ifs that you cave let the AV win.
Stick with us....!

Caralara144

Ahh Try and not beat yourself up to much
Life is full of hard lessons for us all
I would however cancel the drinks night with your friend
Have you anyone close by who can trust and confide in as I do think you need professional help /guidance....
I quit for my 9 year old the day after boxing day .....I haven't touched the stuff since
Yes my AV has knocked quite a few times on my door but I refuse to open it
Your stronger than you think ...
If anyone had of told me this time last year I wouldn't be drinking this Easter I probably would have shot them !!!!!!
I feel your pain and really hope you get some help
For me it's now a battle I have to fight every day of my life
But it does get easier
Much love
Caralara
X

Nonsensical

Starve it.

You can't reason with it.
You can't educate it.
You can't make any bargains with ti that it will keep.
It can't be shamed, threatened, or coerced.

It must be starved.

NotOnlyMe

Thank you for your thoughtful post, Breezy. I am afraid to tell my doctor. I am deathly afraid that the knowledge could be used to take my son away so I am extremely hesitant to put it on record. I am also on an SSRI antidepressant. Going to try a different one. I don't like being a guinea pig to these drugs. It knocks a person off kilter. At times Ive thought it was working and other times I just feel spaced out... and I still don't have much motivation most days. ...But if I start missing doses, I start to cry a lot. I agree that coming off the alcohol helps in the long run. But I still don't really ever feel good, let alone great. Not anymore at least. I don't know if that is circumstantial (dealing with more major stressors than should humanly be on anyone's plate, if you ask me) or if my depression has just gotten worse over the years. Maybe both. I miss knowing what it's like to feel happy.

NotOnlyMe

Thank you for your kind words, Caralara.
Sadly, no. We moved out here from another state just before I got pregnant and then even the marriage collapsed after baby came. I have been incredibly isolated since moving here. I wish I could get closer to a support system. Most of the people I know elsewhere drink too though and for those who don't have a problem, they don't really tend to understand. I have just been talking to you guys and the one friend I mentioned before. I think I need to stay closer to SR maybe. Soon though my internet will be getting shut off because I can't afford the bill every month and will rely only on limited data. That kinda concerns me because it's my only lifeline out of here.

NotOnlyMe

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking or that I know the answer.

NotOnlyMe

Thanks to all for taking the time to read my mile long essay and respond so thoughtfully. It means a lot and I don't take it lightly.

hpdw

I,m sorry for how you feel and understand what you say about AV . I am just off a short relapse after 8 months sober and I can honestly say it wasn,t something I planned . My self and my wife have been under a lot of strain with family member(s) and although over the past few weeks I though "a drink might just might help " I never thought I would actually do it and when I did it was so spontaneous but was my AV talking to me without me recognising it ,I don't know but I think so .
I always think the truth is the best way forward , if you know your BF knows you were drinking and its hard to hide it ( my wife always knew if I have any more than one drink ). I would put the cards on the table ,admit and accept your problem . That is what I had to do if I was to move forward .

Andante

Well, for me, lasting sobriety became achievable when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk, and was willing to open my mind to new ideas and take whatever action was necessary in order to make sure I kept my resolve. It was an "inside job" -- nothing or no one outside myself could instill that desire in me. It took me a long time and many relapses to reach that point. I hope you reach it soon!

Anna

I hope that you try to not feel so much shame and guilt. I know it's not easy to do that, but it can hinder your recovery. Believe in yourself that you can be the mother and the person you want to be.

I think you need to find what can work for you. I used SR and some great books to help me in my recovery. Do whatever works for you and don't close the computer when your AV is tempting you.

You may need to give your son to your husband in order for you to recover. But, I'd suggest getting legal advice before you do so.

NotOnlyMe

I'm not sure that I can bring myself to do that, to be honest. He is the only good thing in my life. There is no thought that terrifies me more than losing him. If that's what it takes, that would completely and totally devastate me and I'm sure it would be hard for baby boy too because he barely even gets visitation since I got the restraining order in November.

NotOnlyMe

This makes me feel hopeful.

AnvilheadII

I have a little one to watch and don't have the freedom to just go to meetings whenever. I can't exactly take him there. Not only that, but my anxiety keeps me from speaking up in public. I love this site and it has helped me many days and even months at a time before, but I am finding it much to easy to just close my computer and listen to AV when it really gets the best of me. Not wise, I know. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough? I feel like I am trying so hard and struggling and losing.

said gently, but having a little one to watch hasn't stopped you from drinking..........so why should it stop you from seeking HELP? if we put in HALF the energy to staying sober as we do to staying drunk, we are already well ahead of the curve.

so making DRINKING hard to do, make RECOVERY as easy as possible. remove any barriers or thoughts that say you can't do this that or or the other. get truly serious about sobriety.....make it the most important thing you do.

NotOnlyMe

I get the point you are trying to make, but I don't think that children are allowed in meetings. I'm not saying he is keeping me from getting help. I just don't know how to get the help I need. The only thing I ever tried or knew of outside of SR was AA and I can't bring him there. I have never seen a child in an AA meeting and I would imagine they would frown on that... Am I wrong?

I would like to add too that he has stopped me from drinking many, many days that I would probably have otherwise. He is the reason I am here, hence the alias.

biminiblue

I've been to many AA meeting with children there. I've never heard of one where you couldn't bring kids. I suppose there are "closed" meetings where it would be frowned upon but not at open meetings.

Especially womens' meetings - there were onsite free childcare for kids while mom went to the meeting. At one womens' meeting I attended regularly the kids played with toys and stuff in the same (large room) while the moms could see them, and they were being supervised at the same time.

No excuses.

NotOnlyMe

Thanks, I didn't realize that. I will look into it.