checking in on day 45 (after flying under the radar for a bit) and some observations about me
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checking in on day 45 (after flying under the radar for a bit) and some observations about me
So... I haven't posted in a while - I've been lurking and reading though. I thought I would check in today. It has been 45 days since my last drink and you know what? I feel pretty good. I can't actually remember the last time I managed to string together this many days. Funny, this time has been relatively easy. So here is where the observation about me comes in... I was trying to do EVERYTHING I could to beat this. I went to IOP (helpful). I am seeing CD docs and therapists (helpful). I started AA (helpful, but not really my cup of tea.. social anxiety is a serious problem LOL) And I was taking the medications they TOLD me would stop cravings. Helpful? It was supposed to be... So then WHY did I feel so terrible all the time? Depressed... exhausted... no real pleasure from anything... Pretty much wanted to stay in bed all day (couldn't cause you know, adulting...) and that's it. I wanted to sleep. When I was awake I was forcing myself to function. More importantly, WHY weren't my cravings going away? I just wanted to feel BETTER. So how did I go about that? Drinking. Did it help? Of course not.. but this has been my go to problem solver for years. I mean, if you're passed out you don't have to deal with anything, right?
Any way, I started thinking about it, and I realized that a medication I had been pumping into my body for OVER A YEAR, taken to reduce cravings, could possibly be making my depression WORSE, thereby increasing cravings, and KEEPING me in this vicious cycle.
I WANTED to stop drinking... so why couldn't I?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?! Obvious answer aside...(you know, you're an ALCOHOLIC STUPID) I thought about it some more... and I realized that maybe this medication, that affects the pleasure center of the brain, you know, so getting drunk doesn't FEEL GOOD, was affecting more than just the drinking. I mean, you cant say "ok, medication, I need you to make drinking not fun, but I still want to enjoy X, Y and Z." It doesn't work that way. So I finally stopped thinking I should keep taking it, cause you know, I was SUPPOSED to, and talked to the doc about how I was feeling. She said "Oh yeah, lets get you off that, that can be a side effect." So I stopped taking it, and the change in my mood is phenomenal! Cravings have also been greatly diminished. And THAT'S a side effect I can live with!!!
So I guess my point is doing something because it's SUPPOSED to help is sometimes counterproductive, and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself if you feel like something is wrong
Well, this is getting pretty long winded, so I'll stop for now, but if you've bothered to read this far
and I hope everyone has a great day!!!
Kat
Any way, I started thinking about it, and I realized that a medication I had been pumping into my body for OVER A YEAR, taken to reduce cravings, could possibly be making my depression WORSE, thereby increasing cravings, and KEEPING me in this vicious cycle.
I WANTED to stop drinking... so why couldn't I?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?! Obvious answer aside...(you know, you're an ALCOHOLIC STUPID) I thought about it some more... and I realized that maybe this medication, that affects the pleasure center of the brain, you know, so getting drunk doesn't FEEL GOOD, was affecting more than just the drinking. I mean, you cant say "ok, medication, I need you to make drinking not fun, but I still want to enjoy X, Y and Z." It doesn't work that way. So I finally stopped thinking I should keep taking it, cause you know, I was SUPPOSED to, and talked to the doc about how I was feeling. She said "Oh yeah, lets get you off that, that can be a side effect." So I stopped taking it, and the change in my mood is phenomenal! Cravings have also been greatly diminished. And THAT'S a side effect I can live with!!!
So I guess my point is doing something because it's SUPPOSED to help is sometimes counterproductive, and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself if you feel like something is wrong
Well, this is getting pretty long winded, so I'll stop for now, but if you've bothered to read this far
and I hope everyone has a great day!!! Kat
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