SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - checking in on day 45 (after flying under the radar for a bit) and some observations about me

So... I haven't posted in a while - I've been lurking and reading though. I thought I would check in today. It has been 45 days since my last drink and you know what? I feel pretty good. I can't actually remember the last time I managed to string together this many days. Funny, this time has been relatively easy. So here is where the observation about me comes in... I was trying to do EVERYTHING I could to beat this. I went to IOP (helpful). I am seeing CD docs and therapists (helpful). I started AA (helpful, but not really my cup of tea.. social anxiety is a serious problem LOL) And I was taking the medications they TOLD me would stop cravings. Helpful? It was supposed to be... So then WHY did I feel so terrible all the time? Depressed... exhausted... no real pleasure from anything... Pretty much wanted to stay in bed all day (couldn't cause you know, adulting...) and that's it. I wanted to sleep. When I was awake I was forcing myself to function. More importantly, WHY weren't my cravings going away? I just wanted to feel BETTER. So how did I go about that? Drinking. Did it help? Of course not.. but this has been my go to problem solver for years. I mean, if you're passed out you don't have to deal with anything, right?
Any way, I started thinking about it, and I realized that a medication I had been pumping into my body for OVER A YEAR, taken to reduce cravings, could possibly be making my depression WORSE, thereby increasing cravings, and KEEPING me in this vicious cycle.
I WANTED to stop drinking... so why couldn't I?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?! Obvious answer aside...(you know, you're an ALCOHOLIC STUPID) I thought about it some more... and I realized that maybe this medication, that affects the pleasure center of the brain, you know, so getting drunk doesn't FEEL GOOD, was affecting more than just the drinking. I mean, you cant say "ok, medication, I need you to make drinking not fun, but I still want to enjoy X, Y and Z." It doesn't work that way. So I finally stopped thinking I should keep taking it, cause you know, I was SUPPOSED to, and talked to the doc about how I was feeling. She said "Oh yeah, lets get you off that, that can be a side effect." So I stopped taking it, and the change in my mood is phenomenal! Cravings have also been greatly diminished. And THAT'S a side effect I can live with!!!
So I guess my point is doing something because it's SUPPOSED to help is sometimes counterproductive, and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself if you feel like something is wrong :headbange
Well, this is getting pretty long winded, so I'll stop for now, but if you've bothered to read this far :You_Rock_ and I hope everyone has a great day!!!

:grouphug: Kat