Not a clue what to do!
 

Hi all,

I am new to this and don't really know where to start but here goes!
My partner of 8 years has recently become an alcoholic....it started about 12 months and is progressively getting worse. I have a 11 year old son too to consider in this. Every night he "pops out" to the shed whilst having a cigarette for 10 mins or so at a time and drinks neat Vodka straight out of the bottle. Each time he comes back in he is more drunk. He is not an aggressive drunk but he passes out. He has recently passed out whilst our open fire was alight, end result was that I had to jump out the bath because the alarm was going off (he was blissfully unaware asleep/passed out) I came down to a smoke filled ground floor; it took days for the smell to go and could have been fatal. He apologies and says he won't drink again but it lasts about a week then he isn't back on it. He has been to AA meets to but doesn't think his problem is as bad as theirs so doesn't really take it too seriously.
I am an finding that as much as he is a good man, and he really is, I am struggling to like him. Love him, I do, like him I find hard.
I don't know whether to call it a day before it destroys us both?

We do talk about it as I am a very straight talking and open person, I don't like hiding things, and he knows that I am not happy about it and I can't take much more. I lost my job and one of my best friends earlier in the year due to the stress of it so I am currently unemployed too, he doesn't earn enough to keep us afloat so I am really lost and don't know what to do next because whilst he is like this, I can't trust him around my son.

thanks for listening xx

Hi welcome to SR!

I am sorry you and your family are going through this. There is a friends and family of alcoholics section on here where you will get more replies and also have you looked into Al-anon in your area?

If you're partner thinks AA is too much of an extreme measure, but at the same time doesn't listen to your concerns with any level of seriousness - I'd maybe suggest counselling.

He seems to understand that there's a problem there, he just needs to understand how big of a problem and it's impact. Having someone ask him the right questions and unravel some of this might lead to a better understanding for him.

If his goal is to have the worst horror stories at an AA meeting, he is on the right path.

My advice to you:
Set a boundary.

If you ______________, I am going to _________________.

Wait until you are in a relatively good mood to make it. Trying to set a boundary when you're frustrated often turns into trying to control behavior, which you cannot do. You're not trying to control his behavior, you're trying to protect yourself and your child.

Then tell him. It has to be clearly and unambiguously communicated. Do not make it a threat. Do your best not to become emotional. The alcoholic living in his head will not like this new rule one little bit, so he may have some harsh words for you. Be prepared for that. Don't become emotional. Alcoholics are pretty good at manipulating other people's emotions.

Make sure it is a boundary you are ready to enforce. It is very likely to be tested.

If he does ______________, you MUST do _________________. You will have so many more regrets if you don't enforce that boundary than if you do.

Best of Luck on Your Journey. :ring

I guess my wife was lucky that I realized my drinking was an issue before she perceived it as such (or perhaps she did and didn't say). Regardless, I don't have experience with the spouse of an acoholic side of things. Thus, I thought Midwest1981's suggestions of reaching out to people who do make sense. Someone else suggested counseling, I assume they meant couples, and that might help, too. Wish I could help more. Good for you reaching out. Don't give up... on yourself and your family, mostly.

Sounds exactly like me and my wife. I would step out to smoke and swig a few gulps out of the bottle. She definitely knew what I was up to and called me out on it. Same thing.. She loved me, but didn't like me. I finally understood that the drink was going to end a lot of good things in my life, eventually. I quit on several occasions over the last year or two. Sometimes a couple weeks, sometimes longer. But the beast would eventually convince me that I could control it "this time." What a crock!! The only way that works for me is complete abstinence.

I can tell you that there was not much my wife could do to control my drinking. If I wanted it, I'd have it. Hide it better, wait until she was asleep, sneak it around in water bottles hidden away in different locations throughout the house. At the end of the day, I had to step back and look at what I was doing. Does any of that sound or seem normal? At that point I realized how sick I really was. Creeping around my own house secretly sneaking booze.. My God.

You have to look out for you and your child first. Nonsensical is correct; boundaries can work, but only if you follow through..

Best of luck to you!

I'm sorry for your situation.

I hope that your partner decides to seek help for his addiction. I hope that you take care of yourself and your son. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

Welcome to the Forum!! :wave:

Thanks all, and REM700, that is exactly how we are living. It is all around, hidden in places. I will be honest, I just don't understand it, he can drink a large bottle of vodka a night, he must feel pants in the morning?? Why do something that causes such misery and hurt. He has come in before crying and beside himself in disappointment and shame, then days later back at it.......

Someone said on one of the other forums, the merry go round of hope, that's what I am on but I will be getting off soon.

The one thing that has really helped me get a grip of the situation is all you guys and gals saying I am not to feel responsible and I so did....I felt I had to help and protect him and that I had caused it but no, it is a choice he has made.