kicked alcho partner out now he wants to come home and i dont know what to do
 

hi i have been in a relationship with my partner for a year in this time he has go drunk on many occasion. last month i kicked him out because of his drunken behaviour but we ended up getting back together but with the agreement that he would cut his drinking down i told him how i felt about how his drinking affected me and he said he would take that into consideration . last weekend was our anniversary we spent most of the day together even though he started drink before lunch time we had both had a stressful week we were suppose to go out for our annivaersy but he got to drunk to be able to on the next day i had arranged plans that he didnt like and he was condescending toward me. while i was out he continue to drink then rang me annoyed i told him to leave my house and to stay at his for a few days he refused i told him to pack his things and to leave immediately which he continued to say he would i rang the cops to get him to leave the house when they arrived he had left. all day today he has been begging to come home and telling me that he is going to change and that he is going to give up the alcohol i have told him that he needs to do it for himself not me and that he isnt allowed back here until he has been sober for 90 days he has tried to guilt me into letting him come back even so far as saying how will i know he has given up if i dont see it on a day today bases i just dont know if its worth it anymore even though i love him i want him to get the help he so badly needs

Hi Sarah :)
if its your name on the lease, you can do whatever you like.

Its your exes choice to accept the terms you've laid down or not.
It doesn't sounds like he's modified his behaviour much at all?

I know it's hard when you love someone but it good that you're setting boundaries and sticking to them.

You'll find a lot of support & experience here.

D

i spoke to him today and he has said that to prove to me that he has stopped drinking i can get a breathalyzer and test him when ever i like . i told him that i wd want to test him every day because he has gone back on his word before. i told him at first that he couldnt come back to living with me till he was 90 sober but if i get the breathalyzer im thinking of lowering the time frame but i just dont know

The problem with changing the boundaries now is you'll set a precedent for changing them again if he cant meet this target.

By getting a breathalyser I think you're kinda making yourself the sobriety cop - and thats not your responsibility - it's his?

D

i thought of that and i dont want to be the sober cop but how do i trust that he is staying sober we have made an agreement in the past and he failed it even though he knows how it feels to me when he drinks. i know its his responsiblty to keep his soberity in check but i dont know how i can believe him when he says his not drinking seeing as we r now living in seperate houses

I really feel for you in this situation, it's a hard call to make when you are in love with someone..
Having had a sober cop myself (my ex) I can tell you it doesn't work. I ended up resenting my partner and would drink when we were away from each other. We drank every now and then but under his terms and it was horrible..
I suggest letting him go to find his own sobriety rather than breath testing him everyday. the dynamics of the relationship can change drastically if one becomes almost like a gate keeper..
Good luck with whatever you choose to do..

thanks for that red78 i just dont know what to do i have thought of that possability of him resenting me for it and truely wat kind of relatioship is it if i feel the need to test him everyday to know he is keeping his word. there is part of me that wishes i could turn me feeling off for him but thats not going to happen. since i kicked him out on sunday which was 3 nights ago i have only seen him once and that was for 5 mins but we have spoken everyday on the phone going over and over the fight that we have and how his drinking has been such a big problem plus its the only problem that we have ever had. i just wish i wd know wat the right choice is to do im thinking about making sure that i dont have anymore face to face contact with him for at least 5 more days then see how i feel

youve benn in the relationship for a year.
he has gone drunk on many occasions.
you kicked him out for his drunken behavior.
he got drunk in less than a month.
you had to call the cops to get him to leave.
you dont trust him.
you want to be the sober police for an adult.
you set a boundary and already lowering it.
now 5 whole days of no f2f contact.
speaking every day about the happenings- what exactly do you think youre going to hear differently from him? are you hoping for a 5 day miracle?

all that in a year, and im sure theres more.
im willing to lay money on the alcohol problem was a problem before you came into the pucture.

im a recovered alcoholic. 5 days of not drinking didnt change much in me other than i wasnt drinking. it took a LONG time to straighten out mentally and emotionally.
however, i loved when i was in a relationship with a woman that would do similar as you. it let me know i still had my hostage.
every single time, everything got worse.
when those woman tossed me to the curb, it was the best move they made- for themselves. no one- absolutely no one could keep or get sober.
no matter the laws of probation they put me on.

no matter how they felt about and for me, they were wise to walk away.

i hope you dont allow youre feeling override what youre gut is telling you.

my gut isnt telling me to do anything its also confused on wat to do i know he wont be cured in 5 days im not silly by me not seeing him f2f is giving me more time on my own to hopefully figure out wat i want as for lowering my boundaries i havent done this as yet either it was just an idea i had i have never gone though anything like this before and the people that i have as my support havent either so im totally flying blind . part of me wants to be the sober cop so then we can go back to having our happy life and the other part doesnt cause thats not my job. he has told me that he has been like this for a very long time he is a binge drinker on the weekends mainly when my kid isnt home she has never seen any of this side of him . he told me today that he is giving it up because he feels that its time,plus he cant afford it any longer , to get healthier and so the we can continue to be together

My vote, stick to your plan.

Everyone in these parts tell you I am on old softy, but if you said 90 days stick to it.

If he throws his toys out of the pram and starts drinking again, you have your answer.

If he respects your choice and uses the 90 days to help himself, you have your answer.

And you know in your heart this is what you should do -- its just hard.

Run run run!!! As fast and as far as you can.

You didn’t cause it. You can’t change it and can’t control it. From what I read I think that you need to look inward. What part of you thinks it’s ok to even consider having to brethalize someone and which part thinks this would make you go back to your “happy days”.

This isn’t only about you, you have a child and getting involved with an active alcoholic is not a walk in the park and it only gets worse.

There’s a friends and family forum here too that will be useful to you.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away. For yourself and him. Let this be what makes him open his eyes to his reality and his situation.

Keep us posted. We are here for support.

Firstly, I'd suggest running your dilemma past the folk in the friends and family area on here. They have a LOT of experience, wisdom and strength to offer. One of the things they talk about a lot is making the decision to go no-contact. That's precisely for the the reason you've mentioned. There's little point going over and over and over it. Your alcoholic is just trying (and starting to succeed it sounds like!) to wear you down and try to make you doubt yourself.

I think you DO know what the right choice is. YOU are responsible for YOU. He is responsible for himself. That means that you should be thinking about your long term security, sanity and future happiness. At the moment he has nothing to offer you. Nadda. Zero. And won't have until he's not only stopped drinking, but also committed to working on his recovery.

What would you advise a daughter or best friend to do in your situation. Would you hope that they would leave this horrible situation and wait for someone more emotionally available, who could give as well as take in the relationship? If so, perhaps it's time to be a good friend to yourself and block his number etc so you can work in things.

If for some reason (whatever it could be) you decide you are going to continue this relationship, I would strongly suggest giving AlAnon a go so you can learn how to make and maintain boundaries that protect you (emotionally, financially, etc.), because it sounds like you'd really need them if I you stay with this guy.

BB

i understand that i need to stand strong on my boundaries and i intend to not let him move back in until he has done 90 days but does that mean i shouldnt hang out with him occasionally as well for those 90 days i want to be there to show my support in his recovery but i just dont know how to

Well, you can (and you will) do whatever you want. Just whatever boundary you state, be strong and don't backpedal. That will blow up in your face.

I wouldn't be aiming for 90 days, I'd require full complete abstinence after all you've been through.

biminiblue the 90 is for him to move back in but he knows he isnt allowed to ever drink again if he wants us to stay together .

i have decided that he cant move back in till after 90 of being sober in 6 day he is allowed to come back to the house but can only stay over 2-3 nights a week i want to show him that im being supportive but also giving us both space to concentrate on wats important and thats his recovery

Hi, Sarah.
Welcome.
You have set a good boundary for yourself and for him.
You can certainly support him, but you don’t need to do it f2f.
I am thinking that after a period of time, ypu will come to cherish the lack of drama inherent to a relationship with an alcohol addict.
Good luck, and keep checking in. Lots of support here.

You do realize that you don't owe him ANY support during his recovery, don't you? That's not your job or your responsibility. That's ALL on HIM. He has to want to get sober for himself with or without you. Your support has nothing to do with it. In fact, in many ways it's a hindrance because the alcoholic/addict comes to rely on it and expect it as if it's something owed to them. That's not reality or real life. My advice would truly be to run and don't look back. Let him figure his crud out on his own and spend your energy on yourself and your child. You owe him nothing. Just my two cents.

i know i dont owe him anything and i know he needs to do the work himself but i still want to be there for him i love him its just hard not seeing him everyday like i used to

Let's take it back to basics - do you love him? Can you imagine your life without him? The alcohol is an addiction which he may or may not at some point beat x
As daddy Dee says ' it's hard when you love someone' , but ya know - millions of blues records have been made and recorded over this very thing.
Bottom line is - it's what YOU can cope with (assuming you love him to bits)
Love and respect to you x

zanna i do love him i love him more then i have ever loved anyone except for my kids that is. as for imagining my life without him no i cant. i think thats y this is has been so hard never gone through anything like this before