I am a dud
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 148
I am a dud
My husband calls me a dud. I am a dud because I am no fun now that I am not drinking. Honestly it really pisses me off and hurts me that he is absolutely NOT supportive even though he rarely drinks himself.
I am not going to start drinking because of him. It makes me a bit lonely to be married to someone who really would rather I drink and who calls me a dud.
I went to AA this morning. It helped. I have a sponsor. We're going to meet every week now.
I know I am not supposed to make any changes in my life for a while except to continue NOT to drink but lately I've really wanted to leave my husband. Or rather have him leave me.
On the bright side my daughter is at a birthday party and I am picking her up tonight. I wouldn't have let her go and stay until the night if I had been drinking because I wouldn't take the risk of driving drunk (thankfully). But now I don't have to worry about that and she can have fun and her sober mom can get her.
I am not going to start drinking because of him. It makes me a bit lonely to be married to someone who really would rather I drink and who calls me a dud.
I went to AA this morning. It helped. I have a sponsor. We're going to meet every week now.
I know I am not supposed to make any changes in my life for a while except to continue NOT to drink but lately I've really wanted to leave my husband. Or rather have him leave me.
On the bright side my daughter is at a birthday party and I am picking her up tonight. I wouldn't have let her go and stay until the night if I had been drinking because I wouldn't take the risk of driving drunk (thankfully). But now I don't have to worry about that and she can have fun and her sober mom can get her.
I would hope he'd be more tactful and kind. I'm glad you're not going to drink over it. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm sorry your husband is being unreasonable and a little nasty.
I understand it;s a little scary when partners change their lives, but there's no call for abuse.
I'm proud of you sticking to your guns chowchow
D
I understand it;s a little scary when partners change their lives, but there's no call for abuse.
I'm proud of you sticking to your guns chowchow
D
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Chowchow
I'll join the choir, you are not a dud. You made an excellent choice to commit to a better, healthier life for you and your daughter. I think you should get yourself that Tshirt and wear it proudly
I'll join the choir, you are not a dud. You made an excellent choice to commit to a better, healthier life for you and your daughter. I think you should get yourself that Tshirt and wear it proudly
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
You are on the right path with your sober journey. Your husband is being unreasonable and name-calling is verbal abuse.
Stay focused on what you want for yourself and your child.
Stay focused on what you want for yourself and your child.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
The dynamic can change when one partner stops drinking.
Maybe, in some weird way, your husband liked it when you drank, though, having no experience in that arena, I can’t speak to it.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Stay strong and try to be your best self every day.
Sobriety and recovery is not easy, but very worth it.
Hang in there, chowchow.
Maybe, in some weird way, your husband liked it when you drank, though, having no experience in that arena, I can’t speak to it.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Stay strong and try to be your best self every day.
Sobriety and recovery is not easy, but very worth it.
Hang in there, chowchow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 68
No one should make you feel that way.
Not ever.
Tell whoever makes you feel this way to do one if they refuse to change and do what is right for you.
One thing I learned is that if you're using a drug (alcohol) to dull things then maybe you need to start putting your foot down to ensure you don't feel that way.
Not ever.
Tell whoever makes you feel this way to do one if they refuse to change and do what is right for you.
One thing I learned is that if you're using a drug (alcohol) to dull things then maybe you need to start putting your foot down to ensure you don't feel that way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Being called a dud gives you cause for pause. I think this is a great time for your reflection on your life, what you want, where you are going.
Your husband may consider you a dud but your daughter can thrive in knowing you are 100% there for her. This is such a significant gift for yourself as well as for her.
Your husband may consider you a dud but your daughter can thrive in knowing you are 100% there for her. This is such a significant gift for yourself as well as for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
‘You are a dud’ What a load of bollox !
Throw him in the dog house until you are ready to deal with him.
Take your time, you are doing nothing wrong.
This language is the same language your AV will or has used.
Bang out of order.
No fun because you’re not killing yourselves and being a bad parent etc.
Makes my blood boil.
Sorry for the strength of my reply.
He will have to apologise
Take care you deserve all the goodness sobriety brings
Throw him in the dog house until you are ready to deal with him.
Take your time, you are doing nothing wrong.
This language is the same language your AV will or has used.
Bang out of order.
No fun because you’re not killing yourselves and being a bad parent etc.
Makes my blood boil.
Sorry for the strength of my reply.
He will have to apologise
Take care you deserve all the goodness sobriety brings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Washington State USA
Posts: 79
What a laugh, a dud? Sounds like he's the one with insecurities. I had a wife who left me because of my sobriety and took off with a non dud type person who would have the kind of fun she wanted. That relationship blew up as they usually do. We have genuine fun and genuine relationships sober, not manufactured from drink. It just takes time but when it happens it's a beautiful thing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
For me the first few months were hard. I probably wasn't as much fun as I used to be. My partner dug his heels in and drank more than ever, stayed out later than ever, and seemed to want to undermine my efforts to stay sober.
Now, 4 years down the line he can tell me that at the time the change in the norm bewildered him and he was scared I was going to leave. I've reassured him (in my own sweet way) that if I ever leave him it won't be because I am sober, it'll be because he's being a **** (insert word of your choice).
Things got easier as I got stronger in my recovery, happier generally, less fearful and more able to express myself calmly (or step away if needs be) in disagreements, and developed friendships and relationships with others in recovery that meant I felt more supported.
Your priority just now can not be 'entertaining' your husband. It needs to be getting well, and learning how to Live Sober comfortably and happily. In the meantime, he needs to be responsible for entertaining himself.
What do you think it is that he's missing. Did you laugh at his unfunny jokes more readily before? Is it to do with things of a more 'personal' nature? Or is it just that you're a little depressed? Or maybe a bit of everything, (like it probably was for me). If so, try to make sure he understands that this is a transient phase, and it WILL be worth it in the end if you're able to work on your recovery.
Hugs to you.
BB
Now, 4 years down the line he can tell me that at the time the change in the norm bewildered him and he was scared I was going to leave. I've reassured him (in my own sweet way) that if I ever leave him it won't be because I am sober, it'll be because he's being a **** (insert word of your choice).
Things got easier as I got stronger in my recovery, happier generally, less fearful and more able to express myself calmly (or step away if needs be) in disagreements, and developed friendships and relationships with others in recovery that meant I felt more supported.
Your priority just now can not be 'entertaining' your husband. It needs to be getting well, and learning how to Live Sober comfortably and happily. In the meantime, he needs to be responsible for entertaining himself.
What do you think it is that he's missing. Did you laugh at his unfunny jokes more readily before? Is it to do with things of a more 'personal' nature? Or is it just that you're a little depressed? Or maybe a bit of everything, (like it probably was for me). If so, try to make sure he understands that this is a transient phase, and it WILL be worth it in the end if you're able to work on your recovery.
Hugs to you.
BB
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Your husband (like many people) has brought up the problem when he would be better served by proposing a solution.
Perhaps you could help him find a solution?
What would your husband like to do for fun that doesn't involve alcohol? Get tickets to a show? A nice restaurant? Sporting event? Carnival? Boat show?
If you're not sure, asking him is always an option.
Keep rocking that sobriety!
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Perhaps you could help him find a solution?
What would your husband like to do for fun that doesn't involve alcohol? Get tickets to a show? A nice restaurant? Sporting event? Carnival? Boat show?
If you're not sure, asking him is always an option.
Keep rocking that sobriety!
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
There is a saying about 'a pointing finger' that states that what you don't like about yourself is pointed out in someone else. I think your husband is a "dud" and now sees it because you are not a drunkin' fool for his entertainment. Stay sober and be the best mom you can be. You are wonderfully made! Believe in yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 132
I suppose it's difficult for the other partner in your life to see a brand new sober person when they normally saw the alcohol version. Yesterday I was in the kitchen & I complained about something and he goes "oh-there's psycho personality #2". That put me in a better mood *sarcastc*. Reminded me when I was drinking he'd call me a psyco. But this time I was sober. I think he assumed that when I quit I'd be Mary Poppins.
Concentrate on yourself -ignore the rest. Talk to him and explain that it hurt your feelings. It's best to lay things on the table rather than bottle them inside and have it explode into something worse.
<hugs>
p.s. it's great about your daughter. Things also changed with my daughter/son. I can watch tv programs & remember what happened the previous week without faking that I remembered. 😮
Concentrate on yourself -ignore the rest. Talk to him and explain that it hurt your feelings. It's best to lay things on the table rather than bottle them inside and have it explode into something worse.
<hugs>
p.s. it's great about your daughter. Things also changed with my daughter/son. I can watch tv programs & remember what happened the previous week without faking that I remembered. 😮
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 148
Thank you all so much for your wonderful support and responses. I was not a mean drunk, I was a funny drunk and more playful. Now I am having some difficulty figuring out what to do with that time I spent being "fun" while drinking.
The fun ended up in extreme bouts of anxiety in the morning and while my husband enjoyed the fun me he really did not like the post-drinking anxious me and would get mad at me when I was so full of anxiety.
It hasn't been a great relationship all along for so many reasons. He can be mean. Not physically abusive by any means but short tempered and a bit harsh.
He has repeatedly told me my drinking was not a problem but it was for me.
I don't know what to do. Mostly I am ignoring him and staying to myself and with my daughter.
The fun ended up in extreme bouts of anxiety in the morning and while my husband enjoyed the fun me he really did not like the post-drinking anxious me and would get mad at me when I was so full of anxiety.
It hasn't been a great relationship all along for so many reasons. He can be mean. Not physically abusive by any means but short tempered and a bit harsh.
He has repeatedly told me my drinking was not a problem but it was for me.
I don't know what to do. Mostly I am ignoring him and staying to myself and with my daughter.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
your hubby says youre a dud- think about who the opinion came from. yup, your hubby, but also from someone that lost a drinking buddy and it boohooing about it.
i think what you should do is
1- continue going to meetings and working the program( good on ya for that- we are a group of duds that know how to have a LOT if fun sober!)
2- check out the friends and family forum here. theres some great reading material and great ESH over there. you can learn about boundaries and how to use them.
and no matter what:
dont drink even if your ass falls off.
i think what you should do is
1- continue going to meetings and working the program( good on ya for that- we are a group of duds that know how to have a LOT if fun sober!)
2- check out the friends and family forum here. theres some great reading material and great ESH over there. you can learn about boundaries and how to use them.
and no matter what:
dont drink even if your ass falls off.
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