daredevil

It would be helpful to know what I’m supposed to be looking for. What would this person have? Long-term sobriety? Emotional sobriety? Peace of mind? Even though I can’t pinpoint it, I’m sure I’ll know it when I see it. It would be nice to know what to look for.

tomsteve

good question, which i assume youre referring to a sponsor.
What would this person have?
what do you want?
do you want emotional sobriety? seek out someone that appears emotoinally sober.
do you want emotional chaos? seek out that.

do you want peace of mind? seek out someone that appears to have peace of mine.
want chaos in your melon? seek out that.


keep your ears open. you will hear "it".

shortstop81

I imagine it's a pretty personal thing. There are certain people that I'm drawn to, based on hearing them speak and the way they carry themselves. I admire and look up to them, but I'm careful not to put anyone on a pedestal.

daredevil

People who carry sobriety with effortlessness and grace are the ones I am most impressed with.

Berrybean

Well, there's always going to be a degree of effort involved. Although they may have developed their sober muscles and technique to a degree that it APPEARS effortless. But you can bet that they'll be putting the effort in on a daily basis somehow or another (not necessarily in meetings, but with being reflective, seeking and growing, and working with other alcoholics - steps 10, 11 and 12 are maintenance steps after all, and the way we make things work best is by keeping in top of them and doing them daily).

And grace can have a few meanings. I wonder which you're thinking of...

grace

noun

1. smoothness and elegance of movement (being graceful)

"she moved through the water with effortless grace"

synonyms:elegance, stylishness, poise, finesse, charm; More

2. courteous good will (being gracious)

"he had the good grace to apologize to her afterwards"

synonyms:courtesy, courteousness, politeness, manners, good manners, mannerliness, civility, decorum, decency, propriety, breeding, respect, respectfulness; More

3(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

Example sentences

Synonyms

3.1 count noun A divinely given talent or blessing.

‘the scheme has proved to be a great grace for the Church’

More example sentences

3.2 The condition or fact of being favoured by someone.

verb

Bring honour or credit to (someone or something) by one's attendance or participation.

"he is one of the best players ever to have graced the game"

synonyms: dignify, distinguish, add distinction to, add dignity to, honour, bestow honour on, favour, enhance, add lustre to, magnify, ennoble, glorify, elevate, make lofty, aggrandize, upgrade

"the occasion was graced by the presence of Lady Thomson"



To be honest it is of no consequence if we don't know - as long as you do.

And be ready for the person being completely different to what you might expect. I'd kind of hoped for some pretty cool and educated younger woman (under 50 perhaps) who I could meet for coffee or lunch and chat things over with. Mine turned out to be in her 70s, and although successful, certainly not academic as I'd presumed I would be attracted to. BUT ...
She had 36 years sober (now 40 years)
She was dealing with a current ****-storm in her life with calmness that I could only envy (I couldn't even do a GOOD day as calmly).
She was able to accept her own mistakes and set them right without taking the blame (internally) for stuff that wasn't hers (may not sound much, but at that time I couldn't apologise for things I'd done wrong, but would quickly say sorry for things that were nothing to do with me, or even had been done TO me - not that I meant it, but that "sorry" still would pop out of my mouth).
She never seemed to gossip, or listen to it (So I trusted her as I needed to)
She had a kind of stillness about her that I envied
She is not a people pleaser (something that I struggled with)

Since she became my sponsor I've also benefited from her kindness, patience, and frankness. I've also learned that she's far from perfect as we all are, and it's been a pleasure recently to talk thorough things and be able to help HER out a little myself. Something I never foresaw.

Good luck on your search.

BB

Gottalife

Hi DD. We have that question about if you want what we have, but I reckon we have to figure out what it is before we would know whether we want it or not.

I know people with a lot of time who have nothing I want, and I know others much newer who demonstrate to me everytime I see them, that they have something attractive going on. I get pretty interested in what they are doing to get the results they are getting, and without exception they have adopted the AA of life through the steps, and are active working with newcomers.

Those guys just seem to stay sober, and get better each time I see them. That is someothing I liked about the deal. Not only the long term sobriety aspect, but also to be happy and growing as well. It wouldn't be the same just staying sober one monotonous day at a time. There is a lot more to be had, and it is not too hard to spot the people who have discovered that.

neferkamichael

[QUOTE What would this person have?][/QUOTE]

Daredevil, how about a S-load of money to start with.

BlownOne

For me, I wanted someone who it was obvious loved sobriety and was grateful for it. He was doing the work required and was committed to his recovery. That was the kind of person I wanted to be, so I asked him and he readily agreed. Like one of the other posters mentioned, when you see "it" you'll know.
BTW, there is no rule that says you can't have more than one sponsor. I have other people I talk to in the program when I have a question about a very specific something that I know they are in tune with. Sponsors are only human and sometimes a person needs more than one perspective on a given situation.

daredevil

The responses in this thread have been helpful to me. When I see someone with the requisite impressiveness and gravitas I'll know.

Freedomexists

Law 10: Infection: avoid the unhappy and the unlucky

August252015

Gosh, this is one my favorite mantras of AA, ever.

What a great suggestion! Look around and see who makes sense to you (me) - who behaves and conducts themselves how I would like to (most of the time, of course- we ARE human and alcoholics, ha) like being kind to people, gracious indeed, thoughtful in speech, funny, honest, on and on - listen for the people who ARE rigorously honest in sharing their ESH so they are good models for me as I try to work this kind of program - for people I would want to spend time with personally, or just always hope to see in a meeting for some (positive) reason.

Now that I am sober, these are the kind of criteria (criterion? forget the sing/plur) I have for, well, anyone I want in my life. As I often say, the only people who get a seat at MY table are those trying to live their own best lives, whether they are alcoholics or not.

It's made for a pretty cool, and interestingly diverse, range of folks who are dear friends, program friends, respected others, everything - I am so lucky.

Cleomie

Serenity.
It's the Holy Grail of sobriety.

MindfulMan

What is ESH.

Sometimes TLAs are confusing.

Gottalife

What is a TLA? ESH means experience, strength and hope. It is a phrase that came from the AA Grapevive magazine way back when. What August us saying is listen to what people share and see if their actions match. If it adds up, they might be someone with a solution.

Snowydelrico

Take no heroes only inspiration

August252015

Yep.

And, to me, it also means those who focus on what AA calls the resolution and the active solution- not the past (experience) but the strength they found to change, and what they do NOW. It's definitely not the folks who wax on about the woes of their drinking days nor is it people who simply "settle" for "I'm glad I'm sober and glad to be in these rooms." Ok, so what ELSE about sobriety has turned into recovery for you (or has it?)?

It's also a good guideline for sticking to speaking when you have a real contribution to make or to get off your chest IN A MEETING NOT AS MEANT FOR YOUR SPONSOR! Two different things.

Snowydelrico

I get the self preservation aspect.
But does this contribute to the saying ‘the unloved are unlovable’

Freedomexists

Probably.

Ask anyone who ever attempted a loving relationship with a partner who had low self esteem.

How did that work out.

The unhappy and the unlucky will embroil you in their angst and chaotic life and watch as you succumb to their charms as your captain save a ho' mindset takes over....

Further study, see: Crabs in a bucket.

AAPJ

When I looked for a sponsor I focused on individuals who seemed to have a good program but had little interest in having a lot of sponsees. My current sponsor has one sponsee - me. I did not do this because I want a lot of his time. I don't. I did this because I was looking for someone who did not have a self centered ego need for a lot of sponsees. My wife who has decades in the program agrees that I found a real winner. She has been through several sponsors over the last 20+ years.

In the end though it depends on how you look at sponsorship. I like the description provided by my favorite AA speaker Sandy Beach on of his old cassette tapes.

Sponsorship is the half blind leading the blind.

If you keep this in mind it is easier to find a sponsor. Good Luck!

Snowydelrico

I get your point
You can only save yourself.
That goes for the unloved too.

Lucky for us there are lucky people out there to learn from.
Hope they don’t read law 10