Rungirl2018

Sad to report I’ve been drinking for the past 6 days. I feel the need to apologize to my supporters and encouragers and fellow recoverers on SR. I let myself down and have been avoiding posting because I feel so stupid and ashamed.

I have to get back to what was working. It was the commitment to not drink. I will not drink today and promise to post here as soon as that voice tells me to. I’m also going to play the tape.

Hawkeye13

Glad to see you back RG

Beyond the commitment to not drink, what is the revised sobriety plan?

I'm working on building a new, solid recovery plan and want to include things like:

Daily hike / run
Keto eating
Journaling / meditation
Playing guitar
Decluttering
Breaking my procrastination habits one by one

I also need a good "pressure release valve" when triggered.
Not managing that too well at the moment.

How about you?

DarklingSong

Well done on getting back here and posting. No reason to feel ashamed....most of us know what a relapse feels like.....
Back on the horse!

Dee74

I'm glad you posted rungirl but I'm not let down. I remember and understand how hard it is

The thing is tho, the longer you drink the harder it will be to stop again, so I really encourage you to pull out all the stops and make a day one your priority.

You can do this

D

SimplyFree

It took me a few tries to gain the resolve and skills to quit. I learned to read here a lot, post daily, know my AV was a liar, understand there were going to emotional rollercoasters, but no one nor was there any circumstance that gave me permission to drink again. Nearly a year now......sobriety is possible.

Pete6256

No need to feel ashamed, most of us have failed plenty of times. Just use this as a learning experience and move on.

time2shineagain

Never quit trying to quit. I've been in your position so many times...I'm currently 7 days sober. I'm not giving up. Be gentle on yourself.

Rungirl2018

Day 1 down. Looking forward to feeling well tomorrow. I really dislike this affliction.

Dee74

Good to have you back Rungirl
D

Gottalife

Hi Rungirl. No need to feel bad. If you are suffering from an illness like alcoholism, recovery is not always as straight forward as just saying no. If it was, there would be no recovery industry. no AA, and the medical community would not still be loooking for a medical solution.

I would like to ask you to think about your last paragraph above, reflect on your experience if you like. If what you did before was working, how come you drank? Why did you not call? Why were you unable to make effective use of playing the tape forward?

These are rhetorical questions in the sense that I had exactly the sme experiences. I was unable to sustain not drinking on my own power. When the obsession to drink was on me, the last thing I would want is to talk to someone who might want to stop me. Similarly, when the fatal first drink was in my hand, the tape had already gone up in smoke, like Mission Impossible. The sane thoughts and memories about why I had stopped and why it was so important, and what happened last time etc etc, did not come into my mind with enough force to deter me. There was sometimes a vague idea that having a drink might not be too smart, but it was never enough to save me. I did not have the power to aplly those defensive measures.

That was why I eventually went to AA, to get some Power to make make recovery sustainable.

tomsteve

glad ya made it back, RG. somethingnto think about:
if that commitment alone worked, how did you end up drinking for 6 days? it reads like commitment alone isnt enough.
youve posted in the christians in recovery and im very glad to read your belief and faith in God.
with that said,have you considered AA as a recovery program? its faith based,works pretty darn good to help people recover, and seems like it would be a good fit for you.

Rungirl2018

Just as predicted, I’m up early and feel good 🙂 I’m grateful to have made it through yesterday. On to today.

It’s Easter Sunday, which is a day to celebrate resurrection. I’m going to look at this day also as a resurrection from a death by poison.

Everyone who said getting back to not drinking after indulging was correct. Funny how I could pick it up again so easily and carry on the next few days without really batting an eye. Of course, I felt guilty for doing it, but brushing that aside was pretty easy, especially once I got lost in the soupy buzz.

This disease is baffling to me. I’ve mastered and overcome numerous obstacles, but none has been so tricky as this one.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m looking at this all wrong by dreaming about the day that I’m not suffering through the thought of drinking and saying no to that voice. You know, being set free if you will. Something tells me that it’s got to be about this day. That looking at it the other way is living in the future and thus missing the point. I guess when I think about it, all I’m really promised is today, so might as well just focus on keeping the course for the next 14 hours.

Every day is both a blessing and a battle. Such is life, I guess. Gotta take the good with the bad. I won’t lie—I wish there’d come a day when the war was won.

Thank you, SR friends. I’ve picked up where I left off and will take steps today to not drink.

Rungirl2018

Agree that I need more support. Will look into meetings. Not opposed at all.

Rungirl2018

Pressure release valve is right on the mark. Did you find one?!