Finalround

although I have made clear my intentions of no longer drinking, my wife continues to drink at home. I have told her that it is my decision to get sober and the importance of it. I have also let her know that I will not try to communicate with her if she is drunk. She continues to drink at home and around me.
I know I can't make her stop drinking, but should I ask her not to bring alcohol into the house?

fini

it's her house also, yes?
if you are thinking about asking her, be prepared for an answer you don't want.
what then?
not to say it wouldn't be considerate if she stopped bringing it home, but since it is her home also and you are the one making changes, you might need to remove yourself from the room or the house while she is drinking.
tough situation, and you might wnt to check out the Friends and Family forums farther down for support and suggestions and others' experiences.

D122y

Final,

Imo...what should she do. Drink in the garage?

It is not fair to impose on her.

When I was a drunk, I felt sobriety was for the weak.

Obviously, I was wrong....Addicted.....but nobody could change me.

So, you both are addicts...she is active.

Tough place to be, but eventually she will get clean on her own...one way or another.

Unless you are ready to get a divorce over it. Then anything goes.

Thanks.

Anna

I think if your wife is drinking at home, it might be best for you to go elsewhere in the house or to go out in order to get away from it. I think it could be wasted energy to focus on getting your wife to stop drinking in the house.

Don't let this stop you from sobriety and recovery.

icewater1961

If she is so far gone she will sneak it in anyway. Get her into rehab or how much do you love her? Do you have children? Do what is right.

goodbyeevan

It must be because I am new at sobriety that I want to say heck yeah, it's fair. Its poison and why should you be subjected to it? Its your house too. Maybe a fair compromise is she only drinks every other day, so that its safe for you half the time. Thankfully my bf and I drank together for six years and now we're getting sober together. I hope she comes around to see things your way.

tomsteve

change the rolls and think about how you would respond if your wife stooped and you didnt. would you honestly stop bringing it in.
even if shestopped bringing it in,shed still be drunk while in the house,no?

Maudcat

Hi, Finalround.
Congratulations on your sobriety. Good work.
Always tough when one partner gets sober and the other doesn’t.
You can ask her not to bring alcohol in the house, but be prepared for an answer you won’t like.
There are others on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics who are in a similar situation.
You might want to check in there.
Good luck.

DontRemember

Pretty sure people don't work that way,man. Focus on your 'not drinking'..not other's. Can't control people.. I'd laugh if someone asked me to not drink in my house when I was drinking and they weren't.

Rar

I feel for you Finalround. My husband still drinks (a lot) and I don't. I haven't asked him to stop and he hasn't offered. When I quit smoking, he perceived it differently and didn't smoke in front of me. He went outside or to the basement. I don't know why drinking is different for him. It's tough, especially if we've done an activity together where I would normally drink during or after. He then opens a beer and I don't. Hang in there. I know it's tough, but it's doable. ((HUGS))

daredevil

Finalround,

I understand this, but never fully understood the phenomena. Two people living together, one decides to get sober, and then wants his SO to change their behaviors to accommodate their sobriety. In this case, a wife-- an 'AW.'

Don't AW's, by definition, drink?

thankful61

How much does she drink? I think you should tell her it bothers you, and see if you can come up with a solution. Isn't one of the first things we're supposed to do is to get all the booze out of the house? I mean, to her, is it more important to drink freely, or support her husband? My wife is a couple glasses, a few times a week, no big deal I can live with that. The only time I'd see her drunk was if I pulled her along on one of my sprees. What does AW stand for?

entropy1964

So, so difficult. I hate that what most people are saying is right. You can't change her. She's an alcoholic, she'll find a way. You are a separate person and your sobriety is your choice alone. In a perfect world, yes, you should be able to appeal to her compassion. But she's an alcoholic....she's simply not going to care. Or she may seem to care, but active addiction is so powerful.

I know so many in your situation, and I have been there myself too. I think what is required is for you to establish a very strong external network of support....via AA or whatever method you choose. It will require a strong plan of action on how you take care of yourself when it all gets to be too much. It requires you to set very firm, unshakable boundaries.

entropy1964

What does AW stand for?

Alcoholic Wife.

thankful61

oh, my post just became gibberish. good luck man

tomsteve

its not that simple when the SO is also drinking alcoholically.
to most alcoholics( or maybe i should say alcoholics that passed into a certain stage of alcoholism), the priority is to drink freely.

were not necessarily supposed to get all of the booze out of the house- i was my 80 year old mothers caregiver and she lived with me when i got sober. she drank a glass of wine every night. i wasnt going to force her to not drink wine any more becuase of my problem.


the suggestion to get all alcohol out of the house has criteria, and it seems that you may see that if your wife drinks wine in the house?

Spence7471

It is perfectly fair to ask... and she will likely decline the request. The best thing you could do would be to frame it as a request that helps you.

For example, say "I am struggling a bit with my sobriety and with you drinking in the house it is not helping me. Could you please not drink at home/in front of me?"

That might work. Might not. No harm in asking.

DontRemember

What kind of recovery plan are you working?

Lookingforchange

My gut reaction was the same as other peoples here. Your choice to get sober is up to you alone, if you don’t understand she’s an addict in a lot of ways that is really hipocritical. You maybe need to remove yourself from the situation and that is your responsibility. Then help her get help when she is ready.

Snowydelrico

When I was drinking my partner who does not drink used to go in to another room.
This was another wedge driven between us due to alcohol.
Life became more miserable
It became yet another reason to quit.