What is wrong with me - still not drinking though
 

I was feeling horribly anxious. Now I feel anxious sometimes and depressed other times. Was I really drinking to mask my feelings? I saw the therapist and she said that trauma and addiction are interrelated and that not drinking is allowing me to access past trauma that needs to be dealt with. Does anyone know if this is true?

I am afraid to drink and I am afraid not to but I am not. I know the path that will take me on and I don't want to follow that path anymore. I guess it took some desperation to get here and I don't want to feel that way again.

Thanks for all the support I find here.

My emotions and anxiety were all over the place for 4-6 weeks in the beginning so don't be too hard on yourself.

Try to get enough rest, stay hydrated, and get some exercise.

I don't think you need to look for answers right now. IMO, it may only increase your anxiety.

Thats's a good point. It might increase the anxiety. Maybe I just need to be easy on myself for a while. And not drink.

Whatever you do, just don't drink. :) Emotions can be a bit rough at times in early recovery but it gets better. :hug:

Chow,

It is pretty well documented that prolonged alcohol consumption alters brain chemistry and hence your moods. Once you stop the alcohol your brain has to adjust to the absence of alcohol — while you were drinking it stopped making chemicals it naturally does (like GABA, serotonin, dopamine). Now your brain is low in those, that is why you are experiencing the anxiety and depression. Mood swings are common in early recovery.

One thing is sure though, resuming drinking will make it even worse. If you have always suffered anxiety and depression you should your doc for possible treatment.

Just hang in there.

Yep you’ll be all over the place for a while. What helped with was doing an exercise app on my phone and getting a ton of sleep. It helped keep me busy :)

I know that I could never have go back to examine past trauma and pain if I was still drinking chowchow.

If you don't feel ready to do that yet why not tell your therapist about your concerns?

I drank in order to not deal with past trauma.

The hardest part of stopping drinking was having to look at myself and the trauma in my life and know that I had to deal with it. But, I got through it. I think your therapist is right.

Chow,

I didn't even find SR until I was 80 days clean. Booze did a number on my mind and body.

I was agoraphobic, anxious, obsessive....crazy.

It has gotten progressively better. SR and the internet saved me.

I was sleeping 2 to 3 hours a night for months, off and on.

I takes years to fully heal, but progress is always there.

We are addicts for life.

Thanks.

Yeah. The good things about getting sober Is we get our emotions back. The bad thing about getting sober Is that we get our emotions back.

And they re scary and feel pretty wild at first. But they re really NOT in control. Emotions come and go like trains, and we don't need to jump on every one of them. We can be more like train spotters and gradually learn about ourselves. What happened? Why was my reaction to feel like that? I gradually, gradually managed to do this and realised that underneath everything (and boy, I'd kept it hidden well for decades) is a very very fearful person.

The Humility prayer that i use every day helps me to identify just what is rattling me (as I read it through, usually something will jump out at me as to being the root of my malady). Often just identifying it will be enough for me to get balance restored. Other times it will help me figure out what action I should take.

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
Lord, please open my eyes and ears, and help me to recognise my inner child and not act on its whims and fears.

AMEN.


You know, what you're going through is normal. It is why alcohol is onky even mentioned in the first step of the AA 12-step recovery program. Because stopping drinking is just the first step to recovery.

BB

Early recovery i was hypersensitive to everything.
A bit overwhelming.
It levels out given time as your brain processes it.

It’s like jumping in the swimming pool after being in the hot shower.
A shock at first but you get used to it.

I did. I drank to mask my feelings. I didn't really have any past trauma to cover up. I just didn't like feeling anxious or depressed (or any other unpleasant emotion).

I somehow developed this notion that I was never supposed to feel anxious or depressed. That if I ever felt that way it meant something was wrong with me. That something needed to be fixed. And I had just the thing to fix it - a bottle of feel good juice.

We all know how that goes...

In retrospect, I am not sure why I avoided ever feeling anything unpleasant. I much prefer the emotional variance I have now to the chemically numb blandness I had created for myself. Sure, not everything I feel is a giggle-inducing tickle. Some of it is uncomfortable. But the tickles are better now, and I giggle more often.

Hang tough and work through this.
Not all emotional discomfort is inappropriate.

You can do this. :ring