bexxed

I finally got sober in August of 2016, and have spent that time getting to know my life and self again, in short. It’s a slow, sometimes exhilarating, often difficult, always rewarding process that I am exceedingly grateful to have the opportunity to have. So much has evolved, so slowly that I don’t notice unless I take a minute to have perspective.

When I was drinking, I’d slowly become very sick. I can see that now in a way I couldn’t, even when I was initially taking stock of myself in 2016. My healing resulted in some big health improvements, one of which is that slowly, I’ve lost weight, and actually am now hovering on a “normal” BMI. I had to buy new clothes starting last summer. I took some old things and put them in a box in my spare room closet.

Today I was going to put some of those old new clothes away, because I’ve dropped 20 lb from last summer, and recently bought more new clothes. (They don’t tell you weight loss is expensive). I ended up going down memory lane. The pair of jeans at the top of the pile in the box was a special pair I’d bought about three weeks before I quit drinking. They were my favorites when I’d gotten them. Then, one night, I got so hammered at an event. I ended up sitting on the dirty ground with three gin and tonics in plastic cups, chain smoking and saying all kinds of stupid things to anyone who I could corner. When I stood up, I was so drunk. I ended up falling on my face, and tearing a hole in those jeans. There are more details but I’m sure they aren’t necessary... my version of a story we’ve all had.

There they were, my old favorite jeans. Washed and put away. I hadn’t worn them since that night, except around the house, on account of the hole. After that night, when I saw them, I seethed with anger at myself for ruining them because I was drunk. Today, I decided to put them on. It was so weird. I was putting on the clothes this other version of me wore. This much sadder version of me. I had to hold them up, and looked at myself in the mirror. And it was emotional. I forgave myself.

I’ve been forgiven by others. I’ve earned trust, I’ve gained a lot in this time. But I haven’t consciously forgiven myself. I’ve just moved on. This was different, and it felt good. It was a release. And I decided that I would release all of that old stuff with it, so I did. I folded up those jeans along with all of my old clothes that don’t fit anymore and put them in a bag to donate to goodwill. Then I went on with my day, and feel a little bit different. A little bit more loved.

Forgiveness is powerful stuff, you guys! I don’t know if I articulated it very well here, or even how much I fully understand what it is that I’m feeling, but it felt a little like a milestone. So, thought I’d share.

In gratitude

B

2ndhandrose

Wow, bexxed! You articulated it very, very well.

Powerful stuff and a powerful read, thank you

Dee74

Wonderful post Bexxed - thank you

D

Komplex

This is a beautiful post. Thank you! Forgiving myself is something I need to start working on!

Buckley3

That was a really enjoyable story to read. Thanks and kudos for cleaning out the old.

least

https://internationalforgiveness.com/

lessgravity

Now THAT was a post.

Hit me in gut, it the best way, and gave me chills.

Life affirming, life defining, simple, crucial. Just a whole lot to unpack from that story.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

DontRemember

I have some 'war story' jeans,as well. I'm especially fond of the blood stained ones I kept from my car wreck. Comfortable,don't mind getting them dirty and people cross the street when they see me wearing them. Probably time to toss those..

I also,recently ordered some 'expensive jeans' online..tomorrow will be the 3rd time I'm sending these damned things back..I hate buying clothes online,but had a 'gift card'..Thanks for the 'gift'!

bexxed

Thank you, SR community. <3

@Least - what a beautiful website!

-B

Nonsensical

What a great post to wake up to!

b0glerd69

Great post and 100% agree.

JayTee33

Thank you for sharing, what a wonderful story. I can only hope to come to the point where I can truly forgive myself.

tnek97

Thanks for sharing. That was nice to read first thing in the morning.

Rar

Thanks for sharing Bexxed. Great post.

FreeOwl

THank you for a wonderful reminder.

Self-forgiveness is critical and - for me - was a process that took time.

Making amends, asking forgiveness from others, all of the things the steps helps us work through are important - but they never really overtly talk about the amends we owe ourselves.

It's in there.... but it's worth talking about as its own thing. We can be forgiven by everyone in the world but if we still carry our own resentment toward ourselves, we will live in despair.

beautiful post... thank you, and congratulations.

J50

Great post! I think the lack of self forgiveness is what sometimes holds us back in making the decision to quit. We know we should stop, but don't think we deserve to be happy. We believe we are too far damaged to be fixed. When we forgive ourselves, it gives us the clarity to acknowledge our pasts but be able to move forward and gain the life we deserve.

Gilmer

Thank you.

BodhiMarshall

The hardest part of this will be trying to forgive myself

JimiC

Great to read, weight loss and health benefits were plentiful for me as well. I used to always go through cycles of cutting down on drinking and losing weight. However, it would always creep back up. Last year I lost 50 pounds and donated several bags of clothes. If I drink and gain weight again, a new wardrobe will be expensive. Oh yeah, it could kill me too.