Leaving a partner amongst many changes...
 

Hi all

I'm sober from September (minus 2 occasions at Xmas- which is sorted). In that time I got myself a new job which I enjoy, joined a small course to meet people, survived my first holiday abroad sober, started guitar lessons, etc. So, many good points.

On Thursday I left my partner who continues to smoke weed, and drink alcohol with zero plans to ever change. It was a very hard decision. But I realised he put those addictions before me, like I know I did one time too. I also realise now that there was quite a bit of controlling behaviour from him too.... I had to constantly remind him not to drink in front of me also. Although, in the end I gave up. The first day of our holiday abroad he invited me to a weed cafe (I gave up weed years ago, but it's a tempting replacement to alcohol) I refused and thank god I did. He disregarded what I was trying to achieve, total sobriety.

We had a small arguement about dishes on Sunday and he used it as a good excuse not to talk to me for days. He went off to the pub. Spent the next night getting stoned and drunk, sitting up all night laughing at the TV while I tried to sleep. This silent treatment worked before and I'd be begging him to forgive me and to talk to me, apologising for things that shouldn't even matter... several times he has refused to speak to me for days, it would fill me full of anxiety and sadness. Anyway he still wasn't talking to me by Wednesday so I decided to get out and leave. I left a letter. I would've talked to him but when he wasn't at work he was drunk or stoned or both. And those conversations end in him point scoring, as being right is more important to him than fixing a problem. I don't know how many times I've said can we find a solution. He is incredibly emotionally immature. It would've been a circular argument, where I take the blame yet again and I'd completely run out of energy for all that.

So I still haven't heard a thing from him at all. I guess I thought I deserved some contact... Although in the past he has left me for days not speaking. I'm trying to work this out in my mind. Closure. But I don't need it from him. I can't believe how much I have tolerated.

Now I'm staying at a friend's which isn't ideal, but I guess more than most people have. My friend doesn't seem to understand I work in the morning and he batters about a bit at night. It's kinda his house, his rules type of thing. On the bright side I bought my very own first car and I continued to go to work.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, advice, support or whatever. It's a lot of changes which are good changes, and the main one being remaining off alcohol through all.

The journey continues ...

Hi, Starsabove.
Good for you. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
Hard, I know.
But we all deserve someone who respects and cares for us.
Good thoughts.

P.S. “I wish I hadn’t left my weed and alcohol addicted boyfriend/spouse/SO.” That was a dumb move.”

Said no one on this site, ever.

Thank you Maudcat. It was a heavy going two days to find, buy, tax and insure a car AND move my things out 🤣

I guess a question would be where do you find guys that don't drink alcohol for the future

Oh no. I had to get the cops to remove my weed addicted boyfriend. He then went on to hit on my best friend. Took my computer and skipped town. I hope you will be well and find some company that is sober and for keeps.

Thank you. That does not sound fun. I hear there are sober men out there 😂 Living in Ireland, this seems hard to believe. But, perhaps one day in the future I'll find a big, sober hunk 🤣😂

I too ended my 10 year relationship on Thursday, is something I'm the water, is it the moon? Sheesh
While I feel I will be better off alone, away from the toxicity I also feel I need closure...
So far I'm being blamed for everything, pretty standard. He has a large ego, and won't accept responsibility as he is always right.
While he really is a good man, just not good for me.
You will be much happier living a sober life with sober people surrounding you!
You got this!!!
Blessings,
DC

I'm sorry you're going through this Stars. I, too, have experienced the silent treatment and apologized even when I didn't know what the issue was. Anxiety and sadness are feelings I experience too. I used to drink whenever it happened. I haven't experienced this since I stopped drinking.. You've identified a potential trigger for me. I'll have to get ready for the silent treatment, since I know it will be inevitable. You are doing great not drinking through this. Hang in there.

I would never date or be with someone who used the silent treatment. That is so immature and silly. It just makes things worse.

Hi starsabove :)

things have a way of falling into place now I'm sober.

Looking back I'm glad I had a little alone time to myself to work out who sober me was and what he wanted.

I'd never been comfortable with my own company before and that led to some pretty dodgy friends and relationships.

I hope that you'll find your future as brilliant as I've found mine :)

D

The silent treatment is the absolute worst! To me it is a spirit killer, and I'm inclined not to play that game. My best advice is to restructure your life and find your independence caring for yourself.

A rebound boyfriend is not recommended, but work through your own issues and get healthy, staying sober, maybe visiting some of your Codie issues through Al-anon as well. Until we get healthier we generally do not attract "normal" balanced people. Please don't expect to meet them through a bar or pub!

Stay strong! Best wishes for you as you start your life as a strong independent woman!

Sounds like you made the right choice in leaving.

I reckon once you get used to where youre living now the sounds if your friend moving around won't even register with you. Alternatively you might invest in some ear plugs. Sobriety us much easier when we accept other people and their quirks rather than try to change them. Will you be there long term anyway, or iis it just a short-term and emergency arrangement?

I remember talking to an old timer in AA about my father, saying all the things he'd said on the phone that day that had driven me bonkers. The old timer said "That's terrible Berry. Do you mind me asking - has he ever said stuff has been like that before?" I replied that yes, he said stuff like that all the time and always had done. "Oh. " he said. "So why did you think today was gonna be different?"
Jeez, he made me mad. But what he was saying was that my expectations were causing me problems and making things worse (for me) in my dealings with my dad.

Sound like your ex is as unlikely to change as my dad is. So, expect him to behave as he always has. No doubt he is just reacting as ever with the silent treatment. Perhaps to punish you, or perhaps because that's all he's learned from his own family over the years and this is all he's capable of. If there's been no meaningful communication in the past, it's unlikely to start now. Why not just block his number and resolve not to think about him. You left for a reason. What point is there in engaging with him now?

BB

"The silent treatment is the absolute worst! To me it is a spirit killer"

YES! Although I haven't really experienced a full fledged silent treatment in the last couple of months, I have experienced some sulking and sarcasm from my husband. That is hurtful also. I am realizing I can't change him, so I'm working on changing how my feelings respond to this treatment. After many years, it's not easy, but I guess it's the only way to cope without drinking.

Rar - I feel for you, it's very hard to ignore especially if you are naturally a "communicator". Most women are, and most men find that shutting down is their way of coping. My SO liked to gush over the pets which really drove me mad since he had nothing nice to say to me. It can be a form of abuse. I fantasized about a rock falling from the sky and hitting him on the head, but it helped me to take a break and take the dogs for a walk, talking as sweetly to them as he did. Fortunately when you even pretend to be nice and smile a lot, the whole mood changes within yourself. My mother used to say, "stick a smile on your face whether you like it or not" and the feelings usually changed when I would. xoxo

I had enough of the silent treatment. It's incredibly uncomfortable and selfish. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that end of things again. The more I discuss it, the more I see how unsuitable we were for eachother.

I haven't really felt sad as such. I guess I've been so busy. I feel more empowered, focussing on the reasons why I left. Maybe sadness will come, or maybe I already grieved before I left him....

You are brave, congratulations for putting yourself first.

Onwards and upwards.

Thank you.

Although a recent update has been from a friend who spoke to my now ex, my friend said I think she expected a text from you. To which he replied, "why? I haven't done anything wrong." The arrogance!! Grrrr

I think you made the right choice in leaving.

Thank you 😊 I think I did too ☺️ thank goodness for sobriety!

I have just found out that he hasn't told anyone in his work about this. I don't think he is taking it seriously at all 😭 which means he hasn't realised yet, or he's so arrogant he thinks I will return.

I don't know what to do with this information. I'm frightened he will realise and try to reconcile. In saying that it's been 8 days since he has contacted me, so past the point of return . I feel nauseous at this. Part of me even felt sorry for him . Why?! 😭