Wife of RAH. I have some questions... needing some Christian guidance
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Wife of RAH. I have some questions... needing some Christian guidance
History/facts:
13 years of marriage, 3 young children.
I feel God's call on me to homeschool after years of me resisting the idea. We've been doing it with huge success. This may not seem like a crucial detail, but it makes sense if you keep reading.
I'm a stay at home mom. I wasn't until about 4 years ago. Decided to raise/have more babies and that's what I wanted.
I was completely blind to the alcohol abuse for like....ever. LOL It's not really funny but... just ridiculous how much I was blinded to it. I have only had my eyes wide open now for the past 2 and a half years. I was raised in a wonderful, healthy home. No abuse or toxicity.... nothing. I had never even been around someone who was drunk. I don't know what I thought was the problem for all of those years.....I guess I just thought he was a jerk, moody, maybe crazy...idk... stuff like that.
I'm not sure how much detail I should be giving, but I'll try to keep it succinct.
2 years ago, I felt a strong pull (I feel it was the holy Spirit.) to check his phone while he was sleeping. I found porn and that became ground zero. I confronted him the next day and he was very repentant. I put up boundaries immediately (accountability software on all devices including phones). This is when he began to stop drinking.....or try. He said the drinking is what allowed him to seek out the porn.... because his judgment was altered....oooookkkk....
We moved to a different house recently, just this past December. New start on a number of fronts. This entire time, I thought he was sober.
Wrong. It only took 2 weeks in the new house for a complete blow out. He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.
The next morning, repentant, of course.
Threw himself in AA. Even has a sponsor.
(Who happens to attend our church.)
I felt relief, but there's always that horrible feeling of dread, you know? Like.... when's it coming.....I know it's coming....
And then BAM.
Last Monday. Except this time the kids were not in bed yet. This to me is a ramping up....the progressiveness that is always referred to. It was bedtime for the kids and he was pressuring our oldest child to come out to the garage with him and work on a project. Our child expressed they didn't want to (it was very cold). I did not step in because I knew it would cause a big scene in front of said child and I didn't want that.
I will skip the rest of the details because it's all the same. He was smashed. Didn't even make it 90 days. Repentant and sorrowful in the morning? You bet.
I contacted his sponsor that night because I had nobody else to talk to and just didn't know what to do.
So my questions are.....
1) I am starting to feel very insecure. As in.....I feel this tug to go back to work in the case that we reach a worst case scenario. Then at least I have some sort of back up.
I struggle with this because aside from RAH, we have a beautiful home life. Very relaxed, no hurrying off early every morning to rush to daycare/school/work, whatever. They are in many activities that wouldn't be possible if I was working (gymnastics, swimming, art classes, extra church activities.) Going back to work would be such an upset to their entire lives and that makes me feel. So. Terrible. I wanted to capitalize that last part, but I think that's frowned upon. 😉
Can anyone talk to this? The "go back to work or not" scenario?
2) I hear a lot about "take care of yourself and the kids" but what does that actually look like in real life?!?! I'm already taking care of myself and the kids. Like seriously. I am. They have a wonderful home life. I am keeping myself healthy (mentally and emotionally.... obviously I am not healthy.....I am about to begin attending Al-Anon to address my recovery.) I realize that without an emotionally healthy mom, things really won't be peachy for the kids. They are young now.....but what I fear is that if we stay and this continues....they will be scared for life and at that point it will be my fault for keeping them in that environment.
3) I am working on what my boundaries will be going forward and wanted to bounce them off of someone to see if they are appropriate.
I think that's all I have for now....
Thank you for reading/listening.
13 years of marriage, 3 young children.
I feel God's call on me to homeschool after years of me resisting the idea. We've been doing it with huge success. This may not seem like a crucial detail, but it makes sense if you keep reading.
I'm a stay at home mom. I wasn't until about 4 years ago. Decided to raise/have more babies and that's what I wanted.
I was completely blind to the alcohol abuse for like....ever. LOL It's not really funny but... just ridiculous how much I was blinded to it. I have only had my eyes wide open now for the past 2 and a half years. I was raised in a wonderful, healthy home. No abuse or toxicity.... nothing. I had never even been around someone who was drunk. I don't know what I thought was the problem for all of those years.....I guess I just thought he was a jerk, moody, maybe crazy...idk... stuff like that.
I'm not sure how much detail I should be giving, but I'll try to keep it succinct.
2 years ago, I felt a strong pull (I feel it was the holy Spirit.) to check his phone while he was sleeping. I found porn and that became ground zero. I confronted him the next day and he was very repentant. I put up boundaries immediately (accountability software on all devices including phones). This is when he began to stop drinking.....or try. He said the drinking is what allowed him to seek out the porn.... because his judgment was altered....oooookkkk....
We moved to a different house recently, just this past December. New start on a number of fronts. This entire time, I thought he was sober.
Wrong. It only took 2 weeks in the new house for a complete blow out. He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.
The next morning, repentant, of course.
Threw himself in AA. Even has a sponsor.
(Who happens to attend our church.)
I felt relief, but there's always that horrible feeling of dread, you know? Like.... when's it coming.....I know it's coming....
And then BAM.
Last Monday. Except this time the kids were not in bed yet. This to me is a ramping up....the progressiveness that is always referred to. It was bedtime for the kids and he was pressuring our oldest child to come out to the garage with him and work on a project. Our child expressed they didn't want to (it was very cold). I did not step in because I knew it would cause a big scene in front of said child and I didn't want that.
I will skip the rest of the details because it's all the same. He was smashed. Didn't even make it 90 days. Repentant and sorrowful in the morning? You bet.
I contacted his sponsor that night because I had nobody else to talk to and just didn't know what to do.
So my questions are.....
1) I am starting to feel very insecure. As in.....I feel this tug to go back to work in the case that we reach a worst case scenario. Then at least I have some sort of back up.
I struggle with this because aside from RAH, we have a beautiful home life. Very relaxed, no hurrying off early every morning to rush to daycare/school/work, whatever. They are in many activities that wouldn't be possible if I was working (gymnastics, swimming, art classes, extra church activities.) Going back to work would be such an upset to their entire lives and that makes me feel. So. Terrible. I wanted to capitalize that last part, but I think that's frowned upon. 😉
Can anyone talk to this? The "go back to work or not" scenario?
2) I hear a lot about "take care of yourself and the kids" but what does that actually look like in real life?!?! I'm already taking care of myself and the kids. Like seriously. I am. They have a wonderful home life. I am keeping myself healthy (mentally and emotionally.... obviously I am not healthy.....I am about to begin attending Al-Anon to address my recovery.) I realize that without an emotionally healthy mom, things really won't be peachy for the kids. They are young now.....but what I fear is that if we stay and this continues....they will be scared for life and at that point it will be my fault for keeping them in that environment.
3) I am working on what my boundaries will be going forward and wanted to bounce them off of someone to see if they are appropriate.
I think that's all I have for now....
Thank you for reading/listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You can post here or anywhere you feel comfortable.
There is a, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics," section and also a Christian section.
I don't know if there is much you can do other than work on your own recovery, if you are not able to separate.
Whatever you do, it takes time to sort through this. Keep seeking your outside support and talk to anyone and everyone who knows him who might have any influence over him. The worst thing would be to keep his secret.
There is always Domestic Violence hotlines if you feel unsafe, like you seem to feel. They can give you your legal options.
Yeah, it's not good for your kids. They know something is very wrong. I wish you peace as you work through this.
There is a, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics," section and also a Christian section.
I don't know if there is much you can do other than work on your own recovery, if you are not able to separate.
Whatever you do, it takes time to sort through this. Keep seeking your outside support and talk to anyone and everyone who knows him who might have any influence over him. The worst thing would be to keep his secret.
There is always Domestic Violence hotlines if you feel unsafe, like you seem to feel. They can give you your legal options.
Yeah, it's not good for your kids. They know something is very wrong. I wish you peace as you work through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Thank you!
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
You can post here or anywhere you feel comfortable.
There is a, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics," section and also a Christian section.
I don't know if there is much you can do other than work on your own recovery, if you are not able to separate.
Whatever you do, it takes time to sort through this. Keep seeking your outside support and talk to anyone and everyone who knows him who might have any influence over him. The worst thing would be to keep his secret.
There is always Domestic Violence hotlines if you feel unsafe, like you seem to feel. They can give you your legal options.
Yeah, it's not good for your kids. They know something is very wrong. I wish you peace as you work through this.
There is a, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics," section and also a Christian section.
I don't know if there is much you can do other than work on your own recovery, if you are not able to separate.
Whatever you do, it takes time to sort through this. Keep seeking your outside support and talk to anyone and everyone who knows him who might have any influence over him. The worst thing would be to keep his secret.
There is always Domestic Violence hotlines if you feel unsafe, like you seem to feel. They can give you your legal options.
Yeah, it's not good for your kids. They know something is very wrong. I wish you peace as you work through this.
What I didn't mention is that 1) my parents do not know any of this. Although they may have suspicions? And 2) we lived with my parents for 6 months in between moves while we sold our house and renovated the new one. So it goes without saying (yet I'm saying it) that I will feel tremendously bad if we go "backwards" and crash their empty nest again. It was craziness when we lived there. Not like bad bad, but you know, we have small children so it was just nuts.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When I was married we were both drinkers. He also did drugs - which was a whole other layer of crazy.
I tried to handle it all alone, until I couldn't. When I sought out Christian counseling I got some relief. I had a woman counselor (not from my church; she didn't know either of us) who was helpful, even though I didn't always agree with her. I think you just need to talk to someone about this without censoring yourself or walking on eggshells while you do it. Al Anon is good, so would be Celebrate Recovery (Christian based.)
Stay in the Word, too. The answers I used were all there.
I tried to handle it all alone, until I couldn't. When I sought out Christian counseling I got some relief. I had a woman counselor (not from my church; she didn't know either of us) who was helpful, even though I didn't always agree with her. I think you just need to talk to someone about this without censoring yourself or walking on eggshells while you do it. Al Anon is good, so would be Celebrate Recovery (Christian based.)
Stay in the Word, too. The answers I used were all there.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
I'm so glad you mentioned the not keeping it a secret part. I'm starting to feel that I need to tell our parents (as in mine and his) because i just feel it has reached that point, you know? Especially because, worst case scenario....I don't want my parents to be completely blindsided if I show up with the kids in tow and duffle bags of clothes. Do I tell my parents what's going on with my husband present? Or without him there? Seems like something that should be discussed all together.
What I didn't mention is that 1) my parents do not know any of this. Although they may have suspicions? And 2) we lived with my parents for 6 months in between moves while we sold our house and renovated the new one. So it goes without saying (yet I'm saying it) that I will feel tremendously bad if we go "backwards" and crash their empty nest again. It was craziness when we lived there. Not like bad bad, but you know, we have small children so it was just nuts.
What I didn't mention is that 1) my parents do not know any of this. Although they may have suspicions? And 2) we lived with my parents for 6 months in between moves while we sold our house and renovated the new one. So it goes without saying (yet I'm saying it) that I will feel tremendously bad if we go "backwards" and crash their empty nest again. It was craziness when we lived there. Not like bad bad, but you know, we have small children so it was just nuts.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Good question
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Has rehab been calmly discussed?
And the reason is, I'm assuming.... because I don't know what would happen to is financially if we go that route. His job is very sensitive, security wise. I cannot elaborate on that. He is not law enforcement. But something that is very..... serious. I don't know how else to describe it without giving too much personal information. I don't know if he could keep his job and go to rehab. 🤔
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I hear a lot about "take care of yourself and the kids" but what does that actually look like in real life?!?!
I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like you are already seeing progression in the anger and upset when your husband is drinking. This will likely continue to get worse and I'm sure you know it's not a good environment for your children. I hope that your husband decides to seek support for his alcoholism. For yourself, you might check out AlAnon in your city as a support.
I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like you are already seeing progression in the anger and upset when your husband is drinking. This will likely continue to get worse and I'm sure you know it's not a good environment for your children. I hope that your husband decides to seek support for his alcoholism. For yourself, you might check out AlAnon in your city as a support.
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Location: PRINCETON, TX
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Your issues are played out daily, unfortunately, throughout our world. It is bad for sure. As has already been mentioned. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based, Christ-centered, recovery fellowship and program of working the 12 steps for anyone with a "hurt, habit, or hangup", (sounds like all of us, huh?). It is, in my opinion, a supplement for new folks in recovery. I highly second the suggestion of Al-Anon family groups. Those folks will have lots of experience and suggestions for you. Don't rule out the saying, "it is your secrets that keep you sick." Prior to exploding the family or church with your husbands illness, I would run it by some professionals whom you trust or were referred to you by people you trust. You need help and I think you are aware. You, by yourself, are not sufficient and strong enough to go through this without guidance of a personal nature and for you, a Biblical foundation. James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed". Did you catch that? So that "You" may be healed, not the other fellow? We cannot fix others, just us. But we can and should pray for others. Get help. Attend Al-Anon, and let your husband know what you are doing. Seek out counsel as to whether to share his alcoholism publicly or not. I cannot answer that for you. It is too personal. But, it is the secrets that keep us sick. I am leaning that advice may be to be up front with your problem. It doesn't have to be front page news, but perhaps your pastor or church members who are close friends can confront your husband. God bless you, as always, we wish you great strides in recovery, safety for you and your family, and a future of hope and a life of recovery. Recovery starts out tough, but when addressed successfully, it is a life like no other. This is the great adventure, as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing. God bless. let us know how it goes from time to time. The forum can be a great supplemental outlet and source of experience strength and hope. PS, it wouldn't hurt for you to read the Big Book and attend some open meetings of AA, with or without your husband.
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Job
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
another consideration is how long he will be able to keep his job if he keeps drinking like this.....
They do random pee/drug/substance tests there, so he knows to not have it in his system at work. So in that way...he is capable of controlling it, you know?
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Thank you!!
Originally Posted by golfreggie
Your issues are played out daily, unfortunately, throughout our world. It is bad for sure. As has already been mentioned. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based, Christ-centered, recovery fellowship and program of working the 12 steps for anyone with a "hurt, habit, or hangup", (sounds like all of us, huh?). It is, in my opinion, a supplement for new folks in recovery. I highly second the suggestion of Al-Anon family groups. Those folks will have lots of experience and suggestions for you. Don't rule out the saying, "it is your secrets that keep you sick." Prior to exploding the family or church with your husbands illness, I would run it by some professionals whom you trust or were referred to you by people you trust. You need help and I think you are aware. You, by yourself, are not sufficient and strong enough to go through this without guidance of a personal nature and for you, a Biblical foundation. James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed". Did you catch that? So that "You" may be healed, not the other fellow? We cannot fix others, just us. But we can and should pray for others. Get help. Attend Al-Anon, and let your husband know what you are doing. Seek out counsel as to whether to share his alcoholism publicly or not. I cannot answer that for you. It is too personal. But, it is the secrets that keep us sick. I am leaning that advice may be to be up front with your problem. It doesn't have to be front page news, but perhaps your pastor or church members who are close friends can confront your husband. God bless you, as always, we wish you great strides in recovery, safety for you and your family, and a future of hope and a life of recovery. Recovery starts out tough, but when addressed successfully, it is a life like no other. This is the great adventure, as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing. God bless. let us know how it goes from time to time. The forum can be a great supplemental outlet and source of experience strength and hope. PS, it wouldn't hurt for you to read the Big Book and attend some open meetings of AA, with or without your husband.
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Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
Golfreggie, thank you. Your words brought tears to my eyes.
edit: I also know there's some VA options available.
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Fmla
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Seriously..I was was trying to find the right wording about the "secret" and he nailed it! I'd ask him to look into some FMLA as far his job goes..
edit: I also know there's some VA options available.
edit: I also know there's some VA options available.
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