I'm sorry for your pain, Krews.
I have a lot of past loss and trauma and I drank to blot it out, too. All my family has died - and I just couldn't cope.
Problem is, I never dealt with any of it when I kept applying alcohol to the problem. It made me depressed and blotted out the good parts of my life as well as the pain.
Best thing I ever did to quit drinking. In time I came to forgive and accept the past and learned to look forward with hope.
You can too. Please get some help if you can't stop on your own. Tell a doctor.
Go back to a different AA meeting. Meetings are uncomfortable, but they help in early days.
Just find a way to quit.
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen