alphaomega

....of course he does.

And why wouldn’t he.

What will all the self loathing. And guilt ridden mornings that carry onto the afternoon, and evening. Which keeps the cycle on auto repeat and spiraling ever downward to where he can keep me morose.

And quiet.

I imagine him seething - would someone just SHUT THAT ONE UP for the love of.....well, you know.

When I’m guilt ridden because I have been lured back to the spirits, my light dims. I become completely unable to do much more than, feel sorry for myself, manage the hangover, and hide under a weighted blanket.

Just going through the motions, life becomes so gray.

There is nothing to appreciate, nothing to behold, nothing to aspire for or try to achieve. Dreams quickly shift to nightmares. In a single night of drinking,

And the shackles tighten around my limbs.

And convince me that I’m safer there than anywhere else.

Just where he wants someone like me.

Like you.

I am convinced that earth is evils playground. This is his territory. Ego, greed, money, social construct, competition, media, all of it set up to keep us hungry and confused.

Inferiority complexes are his entertainment.

You suck.

Everything about you, you worthless piece of garbage. See ? You can’t even......fill in the blank. You are fat, lazy, and utterly stupid. You see him over there ? On facebeek ? Look at his life ! Ha ! That could be you, but it it’s not.

Because you are garbage. Such a waste.

Here.. Take this. I know, I know, you poor sot. Sniff sniff. There there. This will make it alllll better.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

......
And scene.

Addiction is his tool. A sword we willingly wield , against ourselves, to physically, mentally and spiritually stop us from connecting to our Source.

Especially , for those of us who came here to wage some serious spiritual warfare.

So easy it is to escape the expectations and demands of the world, with nothing but a sip.

Come on. It’s just a sip.

How many times he’s snatched me right back with nothing more than just a sip. I’m happily bouncing around in my God bubble and BA BAM.

Come on, just one ?

Absolutely nothing in my life has changed other than I am sober. My mother is still dying, my life has become exponentially more complicated in every way, yet if feels like it’s proundly easier.

I’m still a die hard Jesus freak (not a bible thumper) but I love me some angels and saints and my homeboy, brother, guide and partner in crime, JC.

We are tighter than ever. And , I foster and covet and nurture that relationship.

I thirst and beg for it.

Which I do also when I’m drunk and desperate.

But when I’m sober, I can actually feel Him. Move through me and guide me to do His work. To reach out, to give hope, to help up, to trust.

I can’t do His work when I’m drunk.

And certainly not when I’m in full on pity infestedmisery the next day.

Faith of a mustard seed.

It’s almost spring. And almost Easter. And this is my most favorite time of the year.

Hope springs eternal.

XO. AO

ChloeRose63

For the Love of God...FIGHT!

biminiblue

I don't believe the devil has any power any more. Do men practice evil? Absolutely, but God has all the Power and has reconciled us to Him. Satan was crushed under His feet. Done and dusted.

It is entirely our choice. I don't blame an outside entity for my shortcomings. It's on me.

I do understand that feeling of being haunted or possessed while stuck in alcoholism, though.

I'm sorry you're still struggling. Come back to the light.

Applekat

Your posts are always beautiful but I can’t decipher whether you are sober or actively drinking. One of your posts - “is two bottles of wine a day a lot” - was what got me to join SR! So completely relatable. I wish you all the best AO!

Snowydelrico

Claw your way out of that seemingly bottomless pit.
And never jump back in it.

I’ve gone to the extra effort of filling my pit in ( such a show off)

Good read by the way.

Flowers and butterflies and all things nice.
Take it easy.

Gilmer

It’s great to see you back, AO!

We’ve missed you!

Glad to hear you’re not drinking.

alphaomega

Thanks for saying that Applekat. It gives this struggle some heartfelt meaning.

I am, at present, sober.

I wish you all the best too.

XO AO

VikingGF

AO- So nice to see you here. You are one of the people who put me on my sober path, and I'm still so grateful.

alphaomega

Thanks Bim.

I hope this didn’t read like I wasn’t taking responsibility for my choices. Because , I assure you, I am. I also, acknowledge the lures that the earthly world presents. Constant temptations.

It takes a strong soul to battle that.

And I’m glad you have earned your wings.

biminiblue

I wasn't too sure what was the intent of the post - but hey, I don't speak very clearly when I'm trying to convey something as serious and *deep* as all this. And I definitely don't always "get it" when someone else posts.

I do have a belief that the whole "devil" thing gives people an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. I think there are various ways to interpret Scripture. I'm a Preterist by belief. That precludes giving the "devil" any power over me and it influences my writing. The Victory has been won by the blood of Jesus.

I'm glad you're sober! So nice to see you here.

Dee74

Its good to see you posting AO.

I used to believe that I was an instrument/[plaything of chaos, if not evil...

but serenity rules my life now...and I accomplish so much more this way

I actually love my life now.

I'm sorry for the very real difficulties you face, drunk or sober.

I have my share too - I suspect most people here do...but I can only really face them sober.

Drunk I just run away and self destruct...not necessarily in that order.

glad you've come back here to a group of friends who really do care about you

D

aussieblue

Good to see you AO.

Cow

Well that a pretty intense read. Glad you back, babes.

Most all here I sure has spent lot of time in the clutches, under the blanket, living the gray life. The poison makes the mind go so dark, it shadow the spirit. Stop fiddling with it, just pull out that thorn and walk, AO! You have great faith, and plus also we can lean on each other whenever needed, yes?

J50

Tell that devil to go where he belongs!

It also made me think of this song:

https://youtu.be/uayMplji28o

alphaomega

COWGIRL !!

If you lean to the right, and I lean to the left, we can hold each other up no ?

You gotta friend in me....

alphaomega

Hello my sweet but firm accountability coach

Grateful for you.

Dee74

hi ya

D

teatreeoil007

Awesome read Alpha!

I'm glad you're not drinking and I fully believe in spiritual Victory over whatever we need dealt with in our lives whether it's addiction, troubled relationships, apathy at our calling in life, strife, persecution, whatever.

How did Jesus REACT when He was persecuted? How did He REACT when Satan tempted Him; tormented Him? How did Jesus overcome? Well, one thing we know He did was He prayed and in the garden just prior to His crucifixion He prayed HARD. He also had the power of Scripture and used it quite regularly when tested/tried. He also had the power of His Father and verbalized that. We too, have these tools today....

Oh, and we also have the whole armor of God ...keep the shield of faith before you....but also put on the rest of the armor...


I also believe that we can tell the devil to depart from us in the name of Christ and he will. Say it with conviction, "In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to leave." It works, it really does.

Hang in there, friend.

SimplyFree

Last Easter was my day 1. I am grateful for His strength thru this last year. This community has been a blessing!
Stay strong Alpha!

SoberLeigh

alphaomega, I am overjoyed to see you and to hear that you are sober.

You have always been a very special presence here.

So blessed to have you back.

Onward, together; it is so much easier that way.