Telling people you don’t drink any more
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 40
Telling people you don’t drink any more
75 days sober, going ok. But now I have to met my parents. So far everyone has been positive about this, but i am worried about how this will go. They are both heavy drinkers, so I would like to be careful and not offend them.
Any ideas on how to answer the obvious questions?
Any ideas on how to answer the obvious questions?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I just tell people, "had enough, gave it up. It was time." Nobody ever asks anything beyond that. I make it sound like the most uninteresting thing in the world. If they don't think they have a problem with booze they never ask more, if they think they or someone close to them has a problem, then I might get a couple qualifying questions lol.
Despite what television and adverts tell us, there are a lot of people out there who don't drink, or rarely drink.
Despite what television and adverts tell us, there are a lot of people out there who don't drink, or rarely drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
I change what I say to suit the mood.
It pops in to conversation.
I’ll say don’t touch the stuff.
I like it too much.
I’m one of those who can’t just have one.
The bad times outweighed the good times
It was making me depressed.
I was a raging alcoholic and now I’m healthy financially so too.
Try not to get stressed over it.
Nobody cares as much as we do about our success
Congratulations on 75 days
Take care
It pops in to conversation.
I’ll say don’t touch the stuff.
I like it too much.
I’m one of those who can’t just have one.
The bad times outweighed the good times
It was making me depressed.
I was a raging alcoholic and now I’m healthy financially so too.
Try not to get stressed over it.
Nobody cares as much as we do about our success
Congratulations on 75 days
Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
I suppose it depends a lot on the relationship you have with them. Do you want to give them an ‘abbreviated truth’? Or tell them more detail? Or make an excuse? No judgment whatever way, just thinking through your options.
Although it may threaten them (if they’re heavy drinkers), hopefully they’ll also appreciate that this is right and needed for you.
Congrats on 75 days, that’s brilliant!!!!
Although it may threaten them (if they’re heavy drinkers), hopefully they’ll also appreciate that this is right and needed for you.
Congrats on 75 days, that’s brilliant!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ZBeeblebrox 
... i am worried about how this will go. They are both heavy drinkers, so I would like to be careful and not offend them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
For some reason I find this line of thought/questioning gets dismissed too often on SR.
The whole "who cares what people think" is often, especially for addicts, just not something that comes naturally. Or maybe it does. Either way I think this topic is a genuine concern for those of us whose entire social life and family structure revolves around alcohol.
Maybe it's a veteran's response to dismiss this worry, and I hope I get there one day. I am not there now.
2 examples:
1.
Last weekend I stayed sober at a drunk wedding. My wife, who is pregnant, was sober as well. At one point, several hours into the night, good friends of ours, who were just drunk enough to still be tolerable, realized I wasn't drinking. Their response was "Well I assume that you aren't in solidarity with your wife. Hope it's not for any other reason." Didn't enjoy the feeling of that statement. Was not lessened by the fact that I could identify the majority of them as having issues with alcohol on their own. Doesn't feel good to stand in the face of judgment like that. Probably just my ego - but F someone judging me as weak or having a problem they don't, or pretend they don't.
2.
This weekend I have a birthday dinner with my in-laws for my brother-in-law. My in-laws are about as healthy and happy a family as you can imagine, and I don't put them on a pedestal, they just are. They, like my wife, has as healthy a relationship with booze as can be imagined. They do enjoy wine at dinner or after, on the very light side in terms of consumption. I, until recently, have enjoyed drinking with them. Now I am not going to. Not looking forward to talking with them about why I'm not drinking. They are very open and honest about everything in life so avoiding the conversation is unlikely.
I am a grown man and can handle these situations. But I am not looking forward to the stigma that attaches when those without drinking issues consider someone who they knew as a drinker and who has quit.
Holy ramble batman. But there it is.
The whole "who cares what people think" is often, especially for addicts, just not something that comes naturally. Or maybe it does. Either way I think this topic is a genuine concern for those of us whose entire social life and family structure revolves around alcohol.
Maybe it's a veteran's response to dismiss this worry, and I hope I get there one day. I am not there now.
2 examples:
1.
Last weekend I stayed sober at a drunk wedding. My wife, who is pregnant, was sober as well. At one point, several hours into the night, good friends of ours, who were just drunk enough to still be tolerable, realized I wasn't drinking. Their response was "Well I assume that you aren't in solidarity with your wife. Hope it's not for any other reason." Didn't enjoy the feeling of that statement. Was not lessened by the fact that I could identify the majority of them as having issues with alcohol on their own. Doesn't feel good to stand in the face of judgment like that. Probably just my ego - but F someone judging me as weak or having a problem they don't, or pretend they don't.
2.
This weekend I have a birthday dinner with my in-laws for my brother-in-law. My in-laws are about as healthy and happy a family as you can imagine, and I don't put them on a pedestal, they just are. They, like my wife, has as healthy a relationship with booze as can be imagined. They do enjoy wine at dinner or after, on the very light side in terms of consumption. I, until recently, have enjoyed drinking with them. Now I am not going to. Not looking forward to talking with them about why I'm not drinking. They are very open and honest about everything in life so avoiding the conversation is unlikely.
I am a grown man and can handle these situations. But I am not looking forward to the stigma that attaches when those without drinking issues consider someone who they knew as a drinker and who has quit.
Holy ramble batman. But there it is.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
My personal experience has been that the vast majority of people I know and meet don't care or even ask if I drink alcohol or not. No more than they would ask or care if I eat cucumbers or not.
Certainly there are the drinking buddies I used to have that know me as a heavy drinker, but there are only a small handful of them that I keep contact with. I did tell a couple of them that I quit drinking and their response was actually very positive - some of them in fact responded that they felt they probably drank too much too and admired my decision. Certainly there were some who "gave me the business" about not drinking anymore, but that was expected and i don't see a reason to associate with them anymore. If my "not drinking" is more important to them than friendship then I will choose my not drinking.
Certainly there are the drinking buddies I used to have that know me as a heavy drinker, but there are only a small handful of them that I keep contact with. I did tell a couple of them that I quit drinking and their response was actually very positive - some of them in fact responded that they felt they probably drank too much too and admired my decision. Certainly there were some who "gave me the business" about not drinking anymore, but that was expected and i don't see a reason to associate with them anymore. If my "not drinking" is more important to them than friendship then I will choose my not drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 17
I find this acquired as well justifying my decision to get sober. I only have 13 days and not a lot of friends so I haven't had to deal with it that often. Like Snowy said there are different responses for different moods.
I have yet to tell my parents or my brother. It will be weird the first time I decline a beer from them. As a father myself I just want what is best for my kids. I bet your parents, like mine, feel the same about us. So just be honest with them. I am sure they will be thrilled to hear you are making a decision to better your life. And hopefully it will cause them to reflect on the own lives and habits. Who knows maybe they will jump on the train with us!
Good luck BZee! Stay dry but not thirsty.
I have yet to tell my parents or my brother. It will be weird the first time I decline a beer from them. As a father myself I just want what is best for my kids. I bet your parents, like mine, feel the same about us. So just be honest with them. I am sure they will be thrilled to hear you are making a decision to better your life. And hopefully it will cause them to reflect on the own lives and habits. Who knows maybe they will jump on the train with us!
Good luck BZee! Stay dry but not thirsty.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I used to sit on my porch most afternoons and early evenings and just drink. Seemed when someone stopped by, I always had a beer. During one of the first days of 'my quit', a neighbor came over and eyed my sparkling water. She said, "YOU without a beer!!! I don't believe it! What gives?" I just said, "I'm giving it a break." She replied, "Good for you." and never mentioned it again. My point is that I agree with Less, some people do notice when they are used to seeing you with a drink(s) and it IS uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
My personal experience has been that the vast majority of people I know and meet don't care or even ask if I drink alcohol or not. No more than they would ask or care if I eat cucumbers or not.
Certainly there are the drinking buddies I used to have that know me as a heavy drinker, but there are only a small handful of them that I keep contact with. I did tell a couple of them that I quit drinking and their response was actually very positive - some of them in fact responded that they felt they probably drank too much too and admired my decision. Certainly there were some who "gave me the business" about not drinking anymore, but that was expected and i don't see a reason to associate with them anymore. If my "not drinking" is more important to them than friendship then I will choose my not drinking.
Certainly there are the drinking buddies I used to have that know me as a heavy drinker, but there are only a small handful of them that I keep contact with. I did tell a couple of them that I quit drinking and their response was actually very positive - some of them in fact responded that they felt they probably drank too much too and admired my decision. Certainly there were some who "gave me the business" about not drinking anymore, but that was expected and i don't see a reason to associate with them anymore. If my "not drinking" is more important to them than friendship then I will choose my not drinking.
Maybe your in-laws will take that at face value
The problem I always ran into in these situations was them offering me a bottle of wine or 6-pack to take home.. yeah I didn't hold up to that as well.. it's like I would pat myself on the back for not drinking the night before and gladly take it.. Can't do that anymore
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Switzerland
Posts: 8
First of all, congratulations on 75 days, that's over 10 weekends of not drinking and quite an achievement.
Telling people I didn't drink was one of my biggest fears and I set up a goal for myself to give me "cover" from those people who didn't know the true story and perhaps wouldn't understand or who would be a bad influence.
It was a little extreme, I signed up for my first marathon the day I (secretly) came out of rehab, and asked people to sponsor me... I told them I was quitting drinking to focus on the training and by the time the race was over 9 months later I just said I felt so good not drinking I just kept telling anyone who asked (which was rare) that I enjoyed keeping fit and didn't realize how bad booze was making me feel.
In all honesty, in the 10 years I have been sober, no-one seems to care I don't drink... most people don't drink alcoholically anyways.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Telling people I didn't drink was one of my biggest fears and I set up a goal for myself to give me "cover" from those people who didn't know the true story and perhaps wouldn't understand or who would be a bad influence.
It was a little extreme, I signed up for my first marathon the day I (secretly) came out of rehab, and asked people to sponsor me... I told them I was quitting drinking to focus on the training and by the time the race was over 9 months later I just said I felt so good not drinking I just kept telling anyone who asked (which was rare) that I enjoyed keeping fit and didn't realize how bad booze was making me feel.
In all honesty, in the 10 years I have been sober, no-one seems to care I don't drink... most people don't drink alcoholically anyways.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 62
Hi, sobriety date 10/10/16. Married to an AW from an A family. I definitely have some experience with this. I did not really tell any friends until I was very firm in my sobriety - 6 months in AA, working the steps with a sponsor.
I told my parents at about 75 days. The live in California and I live on the east coast. My mom grew up with two alcoholic parents - alcoholic abusive father and an alcoholic abused mother who eventually developed schizophrenia from alcohol and physical abuse. I put it all on the line with my parents. I told them most of the ugly so that they knew it was serious and a real problem. I was very successful in my career and well off financially. Having come from a lower/middle class family my parents saw my success as an indicating factor of my health. I was dying from alcoholism and knocking on deaths door so I wanted to make it very clear to them I had a problem. They received the message really well and have been incredibly supportive of me. They know my sobriety date and always send me messages of encouragement during milestones.
My enabling in-laws heavy drinkers/alcoholics told me in my last year of drinking that I wasn't an alcoholic the three times I brought up that I had a think I have a problem. They have been unsupportive and react with self pity, guilting, etc. because I chose to get sober and no longer fill the role of successful partying son-in-law that they had written for me. My wife has been working to get sober over the last year and they have shifted their focus to telling her she's not an alcoholic and assassinating my character. My sister-in-law came in to AA 8 months ago and has maintained her sobriety. When she told them prior to her 8 months that she thought she had a problem they responded with blaming medications, stress, etc. much like they did with me and followed it up with pouring more booze for her. They even went as far as trying to stop her from from going to AA when she told them she was going to a meeting under her doctors orders. I can tell you that I have had to do a lot of work in my sobriety to deal with them and not let it affect my emotional balance. I now have a low contact relationship with them and it works for me - they can't stand it. It's been difficult.
That gives you two perspectives directly from my experience. Good luck and I hope you figure out what is right for you. After all, this is your sobriety not theres.
I told my parents at about 75 days. The live in California and I live on the east coast. My mom grew up with two alcoholic parents - alcoholic abusive father and an alcoholic abused mother who eventually developed schizophrenia from alcohol and physical abuse. I put it all on the line with my parents. I told them most of the ugly so that they knew it was serious and a real problem. I was very successful in my career and well off financially. Having come from a lower/middle class family my parents saw my success as an indicating factor of my health. I was dying from alcoholism and knocking on deaths door so I wanted to make it very clear to them I had a problem. They received the message really well and have been incredibly supportive of me. They know my sobriety date and always send me messages of encouragement during milestones.
My enabling in-laws heavy drinkers/alcoholics told me in my last year of drinking that I wasn't an alcoholic the three times I brought up that I had a think I have a problem. They have been unsupportive and react with self pity, guilting, etc. because I chose to get sober and no longer fill the role of successful partying son-in-law that they had written for me. My wife has been working to get sober over the last year and they have shifted their focus to telling her she's not an alcoholic and assassinating my character. My sister-in-law came in to AA 8 months ago and has maintained her sobriety. When she told them prior to her 8 months that she thought she had a problem they responded with blaming medications, stress, etc. much like they did with me and followed it up with pouring more booze for her. They even went as far as trying to stop her from from going to AA when she told them she was going to a meeting under her doctors orders. I can tell you that I have had to do a lot of work in my sobriety to deal with them and not let it affect my emotional balance. I now have a low contact relationship with them and it works for me - they can't stand it. It's been difficult.
That gives you two perspectives directly from my experience. Good luck and I hope you figure out what is right for you. After all, this is your sobriety not theres.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
I appreciate that some people want to tell the truth but I’m fine saying a lie- whatever it takes to stay sober and keep it simple and please don’t judge. I’m going to my first boozy event with colleagues tonight (11 days sober, it’s official work drinks) and I’m going to try a new one: diagnosed with gastrointestinal reflux disorder (GIRD) and can’t drink. My dad has it, and even though he used to like the odd beer he can’t touch the stuff or he’s in agony. Last weekend on two pub nights out I said I was on antibiotics which worked fine, but I like the GIRD explanation as it’s long term. (Also, before anyone says it: I know most people avoided alcohol-situations entirely in the early days but I haven’t found it to be a problem for me, personally. I’ve realised I find drunk people amusing and their antics actually help reinforce why I’m glad I’m sober!)
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