returning member
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 6
returning member
Hi there,
I'm returning to SR. I had about 7 months sobriety up and then have been out there for about the same amount of time.
It hasn't been better, far from it, its been worse. When I first found recovery I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This time around it escalated to a bottle of vodka a day. Most things I thought I would never do I've done. I started lying about my drinking again, was caught out numerous times and have almost wrecked my relationship again.
I need to be back. I'm 2 days sober now and have been to meetings the last 2 days.
I wanted to check in and say hi to everyone. Hoping to be here for longer than last time.
I'm returning to SR. I had about 7 months sobriety up and then have been out there for about the same amount of time.
It hasn't been better, far from it, its been worse. When I first found recovery I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This time around it escalated to a bottle of vodka a day. Most things I thought I would never do I've done. I started lying about my drinking again, was caught out numerous times and have almost wrecked my relationship again.
I need to be back. I'm 2 days sober now and have been to meetings the last 2 days.
I wanted to check in and say hi to everyone. Hoping to be here for longer than last time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome back.
I did the same thing. The first time I quit was for a year. This was a long time ago....I think part of me thought I could go back, handle my drinking. Such a classic mistake. And Like you, my drinking escalated. The amount, the hiding, the lying. And then my drinking morphed into bender drinking. Sober for 4,6, 9 months...even a couple of years. Interrupted by increasingly horrific benders...insanity.
Why this happens? Don't know exactly. I know for me I believe that once I admitted I'm truly an alcoholic, and got some 'recovery' in my brain, I could never drink with impunity again. And I think that is also the source of a lot of the shame of my drinking. Not just the things I did, but the knowing in my heart and soul that I should not be doing what I'm doing. There's just no going back, ever.
I did the same thing. The first time I quit was for a year. This was a long time ago....I think part of me thought I could go back, handle my drinking. Such a classic mistake. And Like you, my drinking escalated. The amount, the hiding, the lying. And then my drinking morphed into bender drinking. Sober for 4,6, 9 months...even a couple of years. Interrupted by increasingly horrific benders...insanity.
Why this happens? Don't know exactly. I know for me I believe that once I admitted I'm truly an alcoholic, and got some 'recovery' in my brain, I could never drink with impunity again. And I think that is also the source of a lot of the shame of my drinking. Not just the things I did, but the knowing in my heart and soul that I should not be doing what I'm doing. There's just no going back, ever.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Gardens and welcome back!
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. 2 days of sobriety is great and I know you will find lots of support here. Do you have a plan for your recovery?
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. 2 days of sobriety is great and I know you will find lots of support here. Do you have a plan for your recovery?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 6
4 days today. 3 meetings this week. Yay for me.
Today was rough and I wanted to drink a lot. My partner hasn't talking to me since my last bender, which then leads me to being unhappy all day, which then leads my mind to tell me 'I know what will take that away'.
I went to a beginners meeting tonight. It was what I needed to hear. One of the topics was on the progression of the illness. For me progression is a perfect way to describe it.
My drinking career started normally. Then it escalated but it was never more than a lot of people drank. When it started getting bad was when I had to hide it, so I could keep drinking. Then drugs became involved, hiding those too. Drinking daily in the evening, then drinking every day from the afternoon, then drinking daily from the moment I woke up. Not beer any more, now it was wine, then cheap wine so I could keep the cost (and the evidence of spending) down. Then multiple bottles per day. Then casks. Then mixed with drugs until I almost died. That was when I got into AA in the first place.
This time around its been up to a bottle of vodka a day, including while working in an office. Drinking it in the bathroom. Any fool could see it was a progression, but to me it was just a blur of 'normality'.
My only hope is to keep up the meetings and get back into the program. There has been nothing I've tried that is even remotely close to keeping me sober. People in there know how I'm feeling, because they've been there too. And worse. Though its getting to the point that there isn't much worse. Apart from losing my wife, kids, my job, or killing myself or someone else. Those are there for the taking if I can't stop this. As it is I've pretty much wrecked the trust in my relationship because of the constant lying and acting out.
Tonight the topic was on the disease of alcoholism. There's no other way I can describe my behaviour. It's just so abnormal it's beyond comprehension, noone I know in the real world drinks like this or behaves like this. The drinking isn't even enjoyable, it's a chore to feel 'normal' or 'slightly less sad'. The alcohol has taken all of the joy from my life, to the point that I would be happy to sleep all day every day and never talk to a soul, including my wife and kids. Normal people would stop drinking at even 1/100th of what I've experienced. For me, normality has become hiding bottles of vodka in a cupboard and drinking them straight when noone is around, hoping noone sees. That's just not normal.
Thanks for reading.
gardens
Today was rough and I wanted to drink a lot. My partner hasn't talking to me since my last bender, which then leads me to being unhappy all day, which then leads my mind to tell me 'I know what will take that away'.
I went to a beginners meeting tonight. It was what I needed to hear. One of the topics was on the progression of the illness. For me progression is a perfect way to describe it.
My drinking career started normally. Then it escalated but it was never more than a lot of people drank. When it started getting bad was when I had to hide it, so I could keep drinking. Then drugs became involved, hiding those too. Drinking daily in the evening, then drinking every day from the afternoon, then drinking daily from the moment I woke up. Not beer any more, now it was wine, then cheap wine so I could keep the cost (and the evidence of spending) down. Then multiple bottles per day. Then casks. Then mixed with drugs until I almost died. That was when I got into AA in the first place.
This time around its been up to a bottle of vodka a day, including while working in an office. Drinking it in the bathroom. Any fool could see it was a progression, but to me it was just a blur of 'normality'.
My only hope is to keep up the meetings and get back into the program. There has been nothing I've tried that is even remotely close to keeping me sober. People in there know how I'm feeling, because they've been there too. And worse. Though its getting to the point that there isn't much worse. Apart from losing my wife, kids, my job, or killing myself or someone else. Those are there for the taking if I can't stop this. As it is I've pretty much wrecked the trust in my relationship because of the constant lying and acting out.
Tonight the topic was on the disease of alcoholism. There's no other way I can describe my behaviour. It's just so abnormal it's beyond comprehension, noone I know in the real world drinks like this or behaves like this. The drinking isn't even enjoyable, it's a chore to feel 'normal' or 'slightly less sad'. The alcohol has taken all of the joy from my life, to the point that I would be happy to sleep all day every day and never talk to a soul, including my wife and kids. Normal people would stop drinking at even 1/100th of what I've experienced. For me, normality has become hiding bottles of vodka in a cupboard and drinking them straight when noone is around, hoping noone sees. That's just not normal.
Thanks for reading.
gardens
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Gardens- welcome back to SR! great job on 4 days sober and the meetings. You sound fully aware of what is going on and the consequences that could happen if you continue drinking. That is a good sign and I think that will help lead you to long term sobriety. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by gardens 
Hi there,
I'm returning to SR. I had about 7 months sobriety up and then have been out there for about the same amount of time.
It hasn't been better, far from it, its been worse. When I first found recovery I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This time around it escalated to a bottle of vodka a day. Most things I thought I would never do I've done. I started lying about my drinking again, was caught out numerous times and have almost wrecked my relationship again.
I need to be back. I'm 2 days sober now and have been to meetings the last 2 days.
I wanted to check in and say hi to everyone. Hoping to be here for longer than last time.
I'm returning to SR. I had about 7 months sobriety up and then have been out there for about the same amount of time.
It hasn't been better, far from it, its been worse. When I first found recovery I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This time around it escalated to a bottle of vodka a day. Most things I thought I would never do I've done. I started lying about my drinking again, was caught out numerous times and have almost wrecked my relationship again.
I need to be back. I'm 2 days sober now and have been to meetings the last 2 days.
I wanted to check in and say hi to everyone. Hoping to be here for longer than last time.
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