Baxter12

I appear to most as 1prerty functional; Hard and worker with a good career, caring and involved father, talented musician as a side job, but I flirt with disaster regularly. Got 2 DUIs in my late 20's, quit for 7 years and then started again, mostly binge drinking on weekends for about 10 years, but then, after getting divorced, finding more freedom, and having weight loss surgery, the frequency picked up. Started performing solo as a musician as a second job more regularly and suddenly the frequency increased dramatically to where it was every night. Found myself behind the wheel multiple times and having several close calls, including one recently where I wrecked my car, and even though the other guy was at fault, I can't believe I didn't have to blow. Passed the field tests but I really believe thwy werr cutting me a break. This would have ruined my life; I would have lost my job, the shared custody of my 3 kids whom I adore, probably my house. I think if this had happened I would have killed myself.

Quit for 1 week and went back to drinking. Not falling over drunk and not all day....but bad enough...often 10-12 drinks a night. I have a huge tolerance that allows me to hide it pretty well. I can't believe I'm still drinking. After 30 years of on and off drinking, its never been so much ad it's been in the past 12 months. Struggling with alimony payments and a sick kid and finding that as opposed to when I used to drink when I was happy, now I drink when I'm happy, sad, whatever. I'm scared that I've turned a corner towards a new level of addiction I've never had before. Have gone to a few meetings and seem to be able to quit for a few days or a week at a time. Actually quit for almost 3 months easier this year, but then fro. the time I started again, it took just a few days to go back to where I was. I hate it. Somethings gotta give or I'm going to die

Dee74

Hi and welcome Baxter

For years as a drinker I thought I was functional but I look back now and... and not so much

In any case you'll hear it again and again here - alcoholism is progressive and functional is not a type of alcoholic; it's a phase, and its a phase that is succeeded by out of control drinking.

I'm glad you're decided to do something about this now rather than later

You'll find tons of support here

D

least

Welcome to the family. I hope you'll utilize the support here to keep yourself sober for good.

Hevyn

Welcome Baxter! It's good to have you join us.

Functional - that's how I liked to think of myself, once. I kept a lid on things for many years. I knew I didn't drink socially like others, though. I tried to moderate many times - it never worked. I couldn't imagine giving it up forever, so I tried to use willpower to slow it down - with disastrous results. As Dee said, it's a progressive disease - and there's no getting around that. You're very self aware - that's going to really help you. I hope you'll find that posting here gives you the encouragement you need to save your life. We're with you.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

Pay attention to what Dee said, he nailed it.

PalmerSage

No way does that sound functional (even though I agree with others that functional is a stage, not a type...but you're way past it in any case). Welcome to SR, I think you're in the right place and will find a lot of support. We're here to help.

Gottalife

Yup, you are going to have to do something very different or your going to die, or perhaps you will kill some one else.

But you are not exactly living at the moment are you? Spending every waking moment with your demons can't be fun. I could tell you lots of frightening stories about what happens to alcoholics who don't get well, but you won't remember them when it counts. You won't even remeber your own horror stories in that insane moment just before the first drink goes down. I can't frighten you into sobriety.

I can tell you there is a much better life to be had if you honestly want it and are willing to make the effort. Loads of desperate alcoholics have recovered and now lead lives way better than anything they could have imagined. There is a better way and it is yours for the asking.

Delilah1

Hello and Welcome to SR!

You will find lots of support on this site. I was another one who thought I was functional. I knew I drank a lot in college, but so did everyone else, then it was my early 20s, and everyone I knew drank like me. As I got older I attempted moderation, or would stop for Periods of time. I stopped drinking during my pregnancies, and then after having my kids slowly started drinking again. In October of 2012 I knew I was going to stop, and I did for three months, and then thought I could moderate. I got stuck in a cycle of brief periods of sobriety filed by failed attempts in moderation until NYE of 2015, that was when I took my very last sip of alcohol.

Fast forward over two years and life hasn't always been easy, I have had to deal with some health and financial situations, an aging and sick parent, and new job. Although each of the above were stressful, they were manageable because I was sober. My day to day life is so much better. I wouldn't trade sobriety for anything.

You can do this, make this your last day one.

Join us on the 24 hour thread to check in each day, and join the March of 2018 class to find the support of others who are at the same place in their journey.

Berrybean

I think when I said 'functioning ' about myself, what I in fact meant was that I was managing to hide the effects of my drinking from the outside world, so 'THEY' (whoever that is) didn't know the fill extent of my inner turmoil, shame, misery, bad choices, etc. I hadn't been caught out. YET.
But I lived in fear of the day when all this woukd change. And I knew it would do. The Christmas before I stopped drinking (just over 2 months before my sobriety date) I popped out with my partner for a couple of drinks at lunchtime. We were out til the early hours of Boxing Day morning having found a lonely and sad pub landlord we knew, and attached ourselves to him, along with a handful of our drinking buddies. I know that at some time around midnight I started sobbing. Distraught because we were having such a good time, but I knew suddenly then that things were going to change drastically one way or the other. I didn't realky understand what I meant. It could mean a few things. If the **** hit the fan then I didn't suppose they'd want to know me any more. And if I was sober- the same. What I DID know is that what I was doing, and how I was living - that was not sustainable. I was living in the middle of secret chaos, like a million dominos lined up, and all it was gonna take was for me to tip that first one and there'd be no stopping the rest from going over.

Is that functioning? Now I don't think so. I was living in nauseating fear most of the time. Sure, I fooled a lot of people, but they wouldn't have had to scratch the surface much to see through it. And more importantly I knew. And I was miserable. And I was not being the person I wanted to be, or could respect.
I may not have lost my partner or car or job. But I'd lost myself. My integrity. My hope.

I suppose this has all got to boil down to what you want. And if maintaining the front of being 'okay' to others is enough for you. IS this enough? This life? Or do you want your hope, joy and integrity back as well?

BB

Snowydelrico

Welcome Baxter,
Functional, hmmm.
That’s when the need for a drink is a tiny whisper in your ear ( your AV)
Give your AV what it wants and it becomes mighty. Pinning you down and screaming at you to have a drink.
Progressive yes.

You sound smart Baxter.
Get some tools, sharpen them up and sleigh the beast.

Let go to change, its sunny on the other side.

Nonsensical

I used 'functional' as a synonym for 'excuse' for years without realizing it.

Baxter12

Thank you all for the prompt replies. I didn't drink last night and every time I felt the urge I came on here and there was another comment. I definitely have used the "Functional" label as an excuse. I know do can do this. One thing that's really hard is that I am a musician on the side and play gigs regularly. I have one this Friday for St. Pattys day at an Irish bar. I am going to focus on making it through that and maybe take a break from performing for a few months. It's tough when I'm pretty broke and it's good money, but I've risked losing everything too many times.

JoeCree

Reaching sobriety is an incredible choice and rewards aplenty. It takes time to get there, and not unlike having your first child; there is no perfect time to start. Sleepless nights, countless hours exhausted with no praise from others, etc.. but all worth it in the end.
Point being, playing gigs will inevitably be your AV excuse to cont drinking. Especially St. Patty's day, but it's all fake.
Play your gig, honour your commitments and then take a break as you said. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
Good luck.

Dee74

I was a musician - lost my career through drinking. Got it back sober but not until I took some time off.

I had to be in a position where I wanted to be sober more than anything else.

I realised I'm a musician, I'm not a rock star - I love playing music and thats exactly what I'm there for, and being paid to do.

Have a good sober gig - playing sober is awesome

August252015

Two words jumped out at me in your op - "bad enough."

Hope you are at the point where your drinking certainly is just that, and you stop.

When I put sobriety then recovery (two different things) above absolutely everything else- and I still do- my life changed entirely for the better.

Hope to see you here.