2 Weeks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
2 Weeks
Yesterday was two weeks. I'm happy and grateful about that.
Disclaimer: I'm going to do a little bit of whining here. I know I created this situation myself and I still own that - not trying to act like that's not the case. Also, overall I'm doing ok and am grateful for the fact that my situation isn't worse than it is. That said - I feel a need to vent a bit and I'm going to do so.
I've been running hard and fast for two weeks and I'm feeling it. There's been a lot to do - a lot of hurdles to get across - and I feel good about what I've been able to get done - I'm also very grateful for the help I've received along the way.
But when I sit still and think about stuff still in front of me it can get a bit exhausting to think about. For instance: I've got the car I'm getting up and running at the mechanic. But I'll need to coordinate returning the company vehicle, getting a ride from office to home (1 hour 15min), getting to DMV for title & registration stuff, and getting to mechanic to pick it up. I don't really have anyone nearby to ask for this type of help. I'm thinking right now I have two options - but those details aren't really important.
What wears me down is moreso that every hurdle requires so much hoop jumping. To do this I have to do that and I'm not really sure how I'm going to do the other thing. Also - as my court date on March 22nd draws closer I'm finding myself wearing the uncertainty of the future - for practical reasons.
And then there's the thing of once I get across 1 major obstacle there's several other major things sitting there. Need to get the house in condition to sell, need to maybe rent a dumpster or find a truck and some help to move & throw away some of the bigger stuff. The list goes on and on.
Compounding all of that is the fact that I've picked up some out of town work in order to help with the financial burden I've brought on myself. Which I'm grateful for the ability to do - but it's putting a lot of load on me. My existing schedule is crazy busy without leaving town for a couple of days on a regular basis.
Take this week - I've got a very long day Monday. Another Tuesday. Both at the local office. Then Tuesday evening I catch a 3 hour flight to the west coast, lead a team to start trying to turn around a problem project that is 8 weeks behind schedule. Work with them Wed-Thur. Catch a flight Thur evening 3 hours + 2 hour time difference back home. Up early Friday morning for another looong day.
In the middle of all that I have these minor little things to do like coordinate the car thing, get my house in shape to move, etc.
And then, I'm likely not going to take any vacation time for me in the foreseeable future b/c I'm going to be using that vacation time for court appearances, stuff with the car and house, and the inevitable sit that's coming somewhere in late summer/ early fall.
It's going to be a looong year.
Good news is that once I start moving and doing the mentally exhausting part goes away and I stay in the moment. I've surprised myself on more than one occasion at how much I've been able to get done (and certainly wiht the amazing help from my inner circle.)
Another layer to it is managing the occasional feeling of "i wish none of this had happened." Somewhat simple things - I miss my car. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to pay for things outside of what this whole situation is going to cost me, I miss the ability to rely almost entirely on myself (self centered perhaps but I still miss it.)
I want nothing more than to do nothing again today. But I can't. That said I'll likely limit today to just doing a few basic things - laundry, housekeeping, etc. to prepare for the week. Won't be much progress on things that I have to be making progress on. But those things will have to just wait I suppose. I catch myself looking at the clock and hanging on to every hour that I have to myself... and feeling a bit of despair as those hours fly by and I know how much I have to do.
So yea. A bit of whining. And I'm doing ok considering. I feel really good and relieved that I'm not drinking...like, really really do. If I was drinking I'd be a pile of useless emotional wreckage. I can't even imagine it right now in any kind of serious way.
My life feels like it's on hold for an indefinite period of time right now. There's a mountain to climb in front of me. I'll get there eventually. Just glad I have this place to vent a bit I guess.
Today is day 15 and it's a great day to not drink.
-B
Disclaimer: I'm going to do a little bit of whining here. I know I created this situation myself and I still own that - not trying to act like that's not the case. Also, overall I'm doing ok and am grateful for the fact that my situation isn't worse than it is. That said - I feel a need to vent a bit and I'm going to do so.
I've been running hard and fast for two weeks and I'm feeling it. There's been a lot to do - a lot of hurdles to get across - and I feel good about what I've been able to get done - I'm also very grateful for the help I've received along the way.
But when I sit still and think about stuff still in front of me it can get a bit exhausting to think about. For instance: I've got the car I'm getting up and running at the mechanic. But I'll need to coordinate returning the company vehicle, getting a ride from office to home (1 hour 15min), getting to DMV for title & registration stuff, and getting to mechanic to pick it up. I don't really have anyone nearby to ask for this type of help. I'm thinking right now I have two options - but those details aren't really important.
What wears me down is moreso that every hurdle requires so much hoop jumping. To do this I have to do that and I'm not really sure how I'm going to do the other thing. Also - as my court date on March 22nd draws closer I'm finding myself wearing the uncertainty of the future - for practical reasons.
And then there's the thing of once I get across 1 major obstacle there's several other major things sitting there. Need to get the house in condition to sell, need to maybe rent a dumpster or find a truck and some help to move & throw away some of the bigger stuff. The list goes on and on.
Compounding all of that is the fact that I've picked up some out of town work in order to help with the financial burden I've brought on myself. Which I'm grateful for the ability to do - but it's putting a lot of load on me. My existing schedule is crazy busy without leaving town for a couple of days on a regular basis.
Take this week - I've got a very long day Monday. Another Tuesday. Both at the local office. Then Tuesday evening I catch a 3 hour flight to the west coast, lead a team to start trying to turn around a problem project that is 8 weeks behind schedule. Work with them Wed-Thur. Catch a flight Thur evening 3 hours + 2 hour time difference back home. Up early Friday morning for another looong day.
In the middle of all that I have these minor little things to do like coordinate the car thing, get my house in shape to move, etc.
And then, I'm likely not going to take any vacation time for me in the foreseeable future b/c I'm going to be using that vacation time for court appearances, stuff with the car and house, and the inevitable sit that's coming somewhere in late summer/ early fall.
It's going to be a looong year.
Good news is that once I start moving and doing the mentally exhausting part goes away and I stay in the moment. I've surprised myself on more than one occasion at how much I've been able to get done (and certainly wiht the amazing help from my inner circle.)
Another layer to it is managing the occasional feeling of "i wish none of this had happened." Somewhat simple things - I miss my car. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to pay for things outside of what this whole situation is going to cost me, I miss the ability to rely almost entirely on myself (self centered perhaps but I still miss it.)
I want nothing more than to do nothing again today. But I can't. That said I'll likely limit today to just doing a few basic things - laundry, housekeeping, etc. to prepare for the week. Won't be much progress on things that I have to be making progress on. But those things will have to just wait I suppose. I catch myself looking at the clock and hanging on to every hour that I have to myself... and feeling a bit of despair as those hours fly by and I know how much I have to do.
So yea. A bit of whining. And I'm doing ok considering. I feel really good and relieved that I'm not drinking...like, really really do. If I was drinking I'd be a pile of useless emotional wreckage. I can't even imagine it right now in any kind of serious way.
My life feels like it's on hold for an indefinite period of time right now. There's a mountain to climb in front of me. I'll get there eventually. Just glad I have this place to vent a bit I guess.
Today is day 15 and it's a great day to not drink.
-B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
It's okay to whine. You have lots on your plate right now. I'm one of those folks who stresses when I have too much to do. It seems I can do only one major thing per day without stressing. I couldn't imagine having as much to do as you. I think your doing a tremendous job of both coping and doing. So, whine away, yell, cry, stamp your feet. Just don't drink! Hang in there Buckley. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Thanks all. Wasting - I am really proud of you man. We both quit at about the same time and we were both broken to bits. To see the energy and life in your posts and the progress you've made is awesome. Thank you.
I've been able to put a plan together to help get the car thing done. Breaking it into small steps is very very helpful:
1. Call the DMV tomorrow to make sure I know all that's required.
2. Plan to take a taxi after dropping off the truck at work on Friday morning. I'll take the taxi directly to the DMV. The unexpected money from the insurance company will more than cover the cost. God does indeed provide.
3. Walk home from the DMV.
4. Saturday - walk to mechanic and drive away. He's a really good guy - who knows he might even send someone to pick me up. Worst case it'll be a good long walk.
When I look at it this way it's not so daunting. And frankly the walking bit is good for me - I need to get myself back into shape anyway. So, inconvenient? Maybe. But at this point I have much bigger things to be thankful for so whatever - I'm over myself on it.
As far as some of the pressure I'm feeling at work - I plan to speak with my boss tomorrow morning to make sure he's ok and to make sure if he has any concerns about the time off that we come to a conclusion to make him whole. If that means I end up giving up the traveling for a period of time so be it - my most basic concern that I need to protect is the baseline work I do there. I can rebuild the other stuff after I get through the court system.
I doubt it comes to that. It's always worse in my head than in reality.
I'm a bit exhausted. Got 7-8 hours of sleep last night but for some reason I do not feel rested. Will address that today - need my energy and I like naps.
Thanks SR. I'm grateful.
-B
I've been able to put a plan together to help get the car thing done. Breaking it into small steps is very very helpful:
1. Call the DMV tomorrow to make sure I know all that's required.
2. Plan to take a taxi after dropping off the truck at work on Friday morning. I'll take the taxi directly to the DMV. The unexpected money from the insurance company will more than cover the cost. God does indeed provide.
3. Walk home from the DMV.
4. Saturday - walk to mechanic and drive away. He's a really good guy - who knows he might even send someone to pick me up. Worst case it'll be a good long walk.
When I look at it this way it's not so daunting. And frankly the walking bit is good for me - I need to get myself back into shape anyway. So, inconvenient? Maybe. But at this point I have much bigger things to be thankful for so whatever - I'm over myself on it.
As far as some of the pressure I'm feeling at work - I plan to speak with my boss tomorrow morning to make sure he's ok and to make sure if he has any concerns about the time off that we come to a conclusion to make him whole. If that means I end up giving up the traveling for a period of time so be it - my most basic concern that I need to protect is the baseline work I do there. I can rebuild the other stuff after I get through the court system.
I doubt it comes to that. It's always worse in my head than in reality.
I'm a bit exhausted. Got 7-8 hours of sleep last night but for some reason I do not feel rested. Will address that today - need my energy and I like naps.
Thanks SR. I'm grateful.
-B
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