I Suck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 40
I Suck
I'm trying really hard to get clean. I also know the first and second days are the hardest. I was drunk for about 48 hours and feel like I ****** up everything. Whenever I get sober I start thinking about childhood abuse or my current money situation, things like that and it makes me want to drink. I'm just overwhelmed with my own shame and guilt I don't know what to do right now. I just feel like a huge failure
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Hi Jess - I think the key is finding support and using it.
If you're dealing with past trauma and not getting anywhere but more drinking,maybe its time to consider some counselling maybe?
D
If you're dealing with past trauma and not getting anywhere but more drinking,maybe its time to consider some counselling maybe?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Whenever I get sober I start thinking about childhood abuse or my current money situation.
Hi Jess
I relate 100% to this. With respect to money, the longer you are sober, the better that will get.
The abuse? That's a different story. As Dee said, counseling is a good place to start. I have done lots of counseling but there is also a point where I had to accept that what happened happened. I can no longer be hurt in that way (although when drinking I sure put myself in dangerous situations...) and I have control over myself and what happens to me (for the most part).
This is just me but my addiction loves it when I dwell on the past. When I feel the victim or I get angry. I am weakest when I'm feeling this kind of powerlessness. It is ironic that I seek the one thing that really is just recreating this abuse, the trauma. Its hard to sit sober and 'feel' the feelings that come up from past trauma. But it is in the past and can't be undone. I have learned I have to accept it and move on. Easier said than done but totally necessary and freeing.
Hi Jess
I relate 100% to this. With respect to money, the longer you are sober, the better that will get.
The abuse? That's a different story. As Dee said, counseling is a good place to start. I have done lots of counseling but there is also a point where I had to accept that what happened happened. I can no longer be hurt in that way (although when drinking I sure put myself in dangerous situations...) and I have control over myself and what happens to me (for the most part).
This is just me but my addiction loves it when I dwell on the past. When I feel the victim or I get angry. I am weakest when I'm feeling this kind of powerlessness. It is ironic that I seek the one thing that really is just recreating this abuse, the trauma. Its hard to sit sober and 'feel' the feelings that come up from past trauma. But it is in the past and can't be undone. I have learned I have to accept it and move on. Easier said than done but totally necessary and freeing.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
If you had a friend who was struggling with an addiction would you tell them, "You Suck!" ?
Would you tell the world, "My Friend Sucks"?
Would you tell them they are a failure that should be covered in guilt and shame?
You would not. It's ridiculous and even a little shocking just to think about. You want to help your friend, and that would be just about the LEAST HELPFUL thing you could do. It would probably make things worse, not better.
Be your own friend.
I tried for 25 years to hate myself into sobriety. It never worked.
You can do this.
Would you tell the world, "My Friend Sucks"?
Would you tell them they are a failure that should be covered in guilt and shame?
You would not. It's ridiculous and even a little shocking just to think about. You want to help your friend, and that would be just about the LEAST HELPFUL thing you could do. It would probably make things worse, not better.
Be your own friend.
I tried for 25 years to hate myself into sobriety. It never worked.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by Jess1998 
I'm trying really hard to get clean. I also know the first and second days are the hardest. I was drunk for about 48 hours and feel like I ****** up everything. Whenever I get sober I start thinking about childhood abuse or my current money situation, things like that and it makes me want to drink. I'm just overwhelmed with my own shame and guilt I don't know what to do right now. I just feel like a huge failure
Negative self-talk is a hard thing to overcome, but everytime you think something bad, turn it around and thing something positive instead... even if it is just about how a beautiful day it is and you are grateful to be alive today to see it.
The childhood abuse you describe that makes you want to use is what makes you what is called a dual diagnosis addict. It is good that you recognize that you want to use to cover up you emotions... my wife was in denial that that is what she was doing. I would strongly recommend you go see a mental health professional... when my wife went into the hospital, they started treating her for bi-polar which is what she was diagnosed with by her psychiatrist but she never really engaged in the medication part of the treatment. Sometime the medication can ease the racing thoughts and the anxiety, and that will in turn help you start to realize that the issues are not as bad as your addiction makes you believe.
Hopefully you can get some professional help to start addressing the underlying issues of your addiction and use.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
You do not suck Jess. You do not **** everything up. You are only human, as we all are, and humans make mistakes. And have bad things happen to them. And mistakenly self medicate to try to numb the memories and the pain.
But they also do smart things, like you’ve just done, like reach out to others on this forum.
I think of the quote: “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” Amy Bloom
As others have said, you wouldn’t be so hard on someone else for suffering and struggling after what you’ve been through (I drank and struggled and blame/d myself for my mother’s suicide)... show yourself the same kindness?
And never give up giving up. That little abused girl is hurting and that’s okay. Of course she is. But she’ll be better off sober. And with a specialist counsellor to talk to?
We are here for you. And you can do this. I’m only on day 5 but I can tell you that every single day is easier and better and worth it.
But they also do smart things, like you’ve just done, like reach out to others on this forum.
I think of the quote: “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” Amy Bloom
As others have said, you wouldn’t be so hard on someone else for suffering and struggling after what you’ve been through (I drank and struggled and blame/d myself for my mother’s suicide)... show yourself the same kindness?
And never give up giving up. That little abused girl is hurting and that’s okay. Of course she is. But she’ll be better off sober. And with a specialist counsellor to talk to?
We are here for you. And you can do this. I’m only on day 5 but I can tell you that every single day is easier and better and worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
PS and I can TOTALLY sympathise about money stuff- I’m burying my head in the sand on that one for now! One battle at a time, ha! You are FAR from the only person to have issues there... no wisdom on that one, just to say you are not alone!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Don't ever give up -
I needed to engage in individual counseling with a therapist when I first got sober as I had so much "stuff" to process. Having someone to talk to is important. And checking in on SR often
I needed to engage in individual counseling with a therapist when I first got sober as I had so much "stuff" to process. Having someone to talk to is important. And checking in on SR often
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Please look into counselling, Jess.
It made a world of difference for me. I had so much pain and self loathing that I needed someone to help me to sort out how distorted my world view and my personal self view was.
Every time I look at the heading of your thread, I just want to reach through my computer and give you a great big hug
It made a world of difference for me. I had so much pain and self loathing that I needed someone to help me to sort out how distorted my world view and my personal self view was.
Every time I look at the heading of your thread, I just want to reach through my computer and give you a great big hug
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
Don't worry about your past failures. There is nothing you can do about those failures now. What can you do is focus on today. Don't drink today! Focus on that and then tomorrow focus on not drinking that day. Before you know it you'll have a month clean.
If you keep focusing on past failures you will feel like a failure but the past only matters so much. You could have a year clean right now but if you drink today you'll quickly find yourself miserable again. So don't worry too much about the past whether it is good or bad. Learning from it is what is most important. Focus on today and you will be okay. I believe in you because I don't think you'd be here constantly posting if you weren't determined to beat this..
So keep fighting this bs with all you've got and stop thinking about the past unless it is benefiting you in some way otherwise do not worry about it!
If you keep focusing on past failures you will feel like a failure but the past only matters so much. You could have a year clean right now but if you drink today you'll quickly find yourself miserable again. So don't worry too much about the past whether it is good or bad. Learning from it is what is most important. Focus on today and you will be okay. I believe in you because I don't think you'd be here constantly posting if you weren't determined to beat this..
So keep fighting this bs with all you've got and stop thinking about the past unless it is benefiting you in some way otherwise do not worry about it!
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