Cobber3

I am trying so f-ing hard to be this new person its ridiculous and not for anyone else but myself. I have 107 days today without a fracking drop and I get so in my head I think this is harder sometimes than the misery I continuously went through to drink. Why you might ask (but you already know)? I would obviously feel like **** the next day, at work, whatever it may be, BUT I knew at 5:00 all my "symptoms" would be suppressed and I would be free until the cycle started all over again. Now, please do not get me wrong, theres not an amount of money that could ever get me to go back to that ******** ever again. There are some positives without question, i am a better husband, dad, son, brother, person without question when I am sober. I just feel that at this current person, everyone in my life is over the moon and proud I am sober and I am the only one who is suffering a bit. Now the damage has been done from years of drinking and I am suffering the consequences and taking action to correct. I can even tell you how many "healthy" supplements, food, etc I put in my body the last three weeks and I just feel like ****. Now the OCD kicks in, why am i not feeling how I want to, let me google everything so I can get everything in order to feel THE BEST...... and I'm just exhausted, flat out ******* exhausted trying to be the best I can be. My blood work shows i am insulin resistant from years of drinking, cholesterol is high, liver elevated....all the fun stuff. Oh and not to mention the ******* ongoing social anxiety thats been a real peach to deal with. I don't miss drinking one bit but i sure as **** miss the quick fix for sure. Ahh that felt good to get out for sure.

Let me be 100% transparent, I have zero desire to ever go back to drinking, even with the above mentioned. This is my 3rd time with sobriety and have finally for the first time admitted i am an alcoholic (even kind of hard to write to be honest). I have been going to therapy and now just being raw with emotion and no beer to hide behind, its ******* hard is all. I have two sons who i pray to god, will look back and be proud of the man i hope to become here shortly. I am only 31 and I know I have it in the tank to be the best role model in the world to them. I just hope i can feel good and enjoy life at the same time. I know that its a marathon and it will take time but as of right now I am just tired. I pray to god that this social anxiety, that i am very aware came from drinking, goes away with sobriety. I never felt weird around people my whole life and the last 7 years between heavy drinking and sobriety, i panic just being at the grocery store.


But you know what? I am SOOOO ungodly grateful i woke up today (@6:45 i might ass) SOBER. I thank god, my wife, all of you who write me, hell anyone who supports me that i get to continue to be sober and one day maybe i will be at peace with it as well. I am definitely getting closer to that goal. Much love

D122y

Cobber,

I didn't get a real check up until I was 2 years plus without booze.

The Dr. Didn't seem to know or care.

I told him I quit drinking and we moved on.

I take 10 MG of lisinopril for moderate high bp.

I work out 4 to 7 days a week, depending on how I feel etc.

I still crave, but not like the first year.

Basically, things got better as my clean days added up.

At 100 days clean, I was a basket case.

There are few things more pathetic than a relapsed drunk.

Never again.

I'm 53 btw.

Thanks.

DontRemember

I'd never experienced social anxiety until I quit drinking. I'm just now getting my 'feet' back under me on that front at around 13mo. I was reading your post and shaking my head "yep..yep..yep" That's exactly how I felt when I decided to quit-quit. I had several honest (4?) attempts in there and a one night "f'it."So, I'm by no means out of the woods,but I do feel a lot better now on all fronts.

sweetichick

Have you tried AA. A lot of people have social anxiety and no peace between the ears till they go to a meeting and find others like them. You don't even have to share just try a few different meetings. AA has changed my whole life and my previous posts show how against it I was

PinkPanther08

Apparently I am less "FUN" sober. I actually had an ex boyfriend who complained about my drinking tell me when we reunited and I got sober that he liked the sober and drunk me. I suppose that was for his own selfish reasons. He didn't truly know about my drinking issues.

I felt social aneixty today but I think it was part withdrawls.

Berrybean

Thing is, if sobriety on it's own was enough, why would there be people all over the world working on Recovery programs?
I really do believe theatre quality of my sobriety is in direct proportion to the effort I put into my recovery. I have to remember that in my journey, the things that have brought me the most peace and relief have all been things that I didn't want to do. Mostly in fact things that I started out by saying I certainly would NOT do (even if I said that to myself silently).

Keep praying. Thing is, God doesn't answer our prayers by doing this stuff for us, because recovery doesn't work like that. He answers our prayers by sending us the tools we need and granting us the grace and humility to do the work we need to do. He send us the shovel, but we need to pick it up and do the digging. He loves us too much and knows us too well to just do it for us. What steps are you willing to take today. What are you prepared to actually DO to get better?

You know, for a while back there (at the end of my drinking, and in the first month of sobriety) I thought I was in hell. And a hell of my own construction at that. Later I realised that it wasn't hell. It was the furnace of affliction. I needed to be good and hot before I was ever going to be ready and truly willing to put the work into changing and maintaining that change. I needed refining. All those bad habits and bad attitudes and counter-productive coping strategies. All of them needed to go.
God doesn't refine us in a literal furnace of fire. He has the furnace of affliction to refine us. Affliction meaning “hardship, trouble, adversity, distress, and trial.” I reckon God's more concerned with our condition than our comfort. He'd rather have us temporarily uncomfortable than carry on as we are or were. Although this may be uncomfortable for the time being, think how much fruit this transformation will bring in your life! Be patient. Keep praying. He's in that furnace with you.

BB

sweetichick

Thanks BB I feel a bit like I am in furnace of affliction now. Hope I didn't hijack the thread.

Berrybean

Course you didn't hijack it.
Sweetie you are learning and growing. That growing really can be painful at times but it is worth it. And just because it feels rough doesn't mean it's not working. I found that sometimes reading my own old threads helped me to spot the change that had happened. A bit like walking along a shore and glancing back along the coast to see how far weve come .

We can weather the emotional scrapes and scuffs that cone with early recovery as long as we have hope that things will get better. That's why I needed meetings and then step 2 with a good sponsor who could take the hope given to me by others and encourage me to see that this could be my own hope. Sorry if that's a bit waffley. Xx

Hawkeye13

It takes time to heal.
107 days is fantastic, but your body and mind will need plenty of sober time
to get back to optimal.

The destination is worth the ride

Cobber3

Thank you guys so much for the notes. I appreciate you all and look forward to staying on this course with you guys. Off to the bar....jk

Scramm

You said that drinking gave you social anxiety but I would bet that was there long before you ever drank. I can only speak from my own experience but as a little kid I was hugely anxious and a perpetual worrier. At age 14 I had my first beer. Something switched in my brain and I was now able to be a part of the crew, talk to girls, be cool etc. Thing is, I've been drinking longer than I didn't so its hard to remember what it was like before alcohol. The little kid is now exposed again and it sucks!!!

leviathan

Exercising?

tekink

Just hang in there. I felt like garbage at 107 days, it's still not "easy" for me but it is getting a heck of a lot easier now. Things started to feel a little better for me around 7 months. The first 6 months were just hell. I'm at 13 months now and things are a lot easier to handle and I don't find my mind obsessing on it so much anymore.

Stride34

If you're referring to the normal social jitters people can feel, maybe you're right. For a real social anxiety disorder (which is debilitating) what helps is a combo of medication and behavioral therapy. If you're untreated and go to AA that would probably only make one feel worse.

Cobber3

Thanks man. I am hoping to be at peace and unfortunately i know the only thing that will actually really get me there is time. Its a journey and I am aware of that. A lot better than the downward spiral journey of being a drunk. I appreciate ya.

Cobber3

Not nearly like a should, backs been a **** show. Im planning on hitting it hard as soon as I can walk like a normal person.