Question about Sober Living and Aftercare
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Question about Sober Living and Aftercare
Hi All,
I'm a brand new member here, but my relationship with an alcoholic has made me an avid (sometimes frantic) reader here for many months now. It has also helped me so much to gain perspective and to put into practice Melody Beattie's excellent advice about stopping codependent behavior.
Long story short, I have a soon-to-be ex husband (impulsive marriage after long distance romance) who is an alcoholic in recovery. He is halfway through a 28 day program, and has pretty much destroyed all his family and employment relationships with 10 years of drinking, stealing, and lying. This man knows that I and his family are out of trust and patience...he told me he really wanted to go to rehab and get clean, but admittedly, that was after I had kicked him out for secret drinking and stealing. Nonetheless, he seems to be doing well in rehab. We are on good terms, but he understands that I don't trust him enough for him to live with me or to continue our romantic relationship.
My question is regarding aftercare, when rehab ends. The rehab I helped him get into does do aftercare planning in their final week. My loved one knows he has no home to come back to, so he knows he must seek out Sober Living. He also knows he must find a job. Guys, this man is totally broke; he owns a vehicle and clothing...but that's it. How likely is it that the rehab will be able to place him in Sober Living and help him find a job? Do I need to be a part of that? Do I need to offer to help with the first month's rent in Sober Living?
I am trying very, very hard to detach from the situation, with love, and let him stand on his own two feet. I think I am slowly succeeding. But I want to make sure that if something is genuinely needed, like the first month's rent at Sober Living, I can help. What do you guys think? Thank you all so much in advance.
RB
I'm a brand new member here, but my relationship with an alcoholic has made me an avid (sometimes frantic) reader here for many months now. It has also helped me so much to gain perspective and to put into practice Melody Beattie's excellent advice about stopping codependent behavior.
Long story short, I have a soon-to-be ex husband (impulsive marriage after long distance romance) who is an alcoholic in recovery. He is halfway through a 28 day program, and has pretty much destroyed all his family and employment relationships with 10 years of drinking, stealing, and lying. This man knows that I and his family are out of trust and patience...he told me he really wanted to go to rehab and get clean, but admittedly, that was after I had kicked him out for secret drinking and stealing. Nonetheless, he seems to be doing well in rehab. We are on good terms, but he understands that I don't trust him enough for him to live with me or to continue our romantic relationship.
My question is regarding aftercare, when rehab ends. The rehab I helped him get into does do aftercare planning in their final week. My loved one knows he has no home to come back to, so he knows he must seek out Sober Living. He also knows he must find a job. Guys, this man is totally broke; he owns a vehicle and clothing...but that's it. How likely is it that the rehab will be able to place him in Sober Living and help him find a job? Do I need to be a part of that? Do I need to offer to help with the first month's rent in Sober Living?
I am trying very, very hard to detach from the situation, with love, and let him stand on his own two feet. I think I am slowly succeeding. But I want to make sure that if something is genuinely needed, like the first month's rent at Sober Living, I can help. What do you guys think? Thank you all so much in advance.
RB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
RB,
My wife finished 33 days at rehab and they referred us to an affiliated sober living facility... it is recommended they stay for a minimum of 6 months even up to a year if circumstances warrant it. The place she went into had a sliding scale for pay (one lady was paying $50/week, we were paying much more than that). They encourage employment and should help him find a job to work while helping him regain his footing on many aspects. The sober living facility had my wife doing counseling and IOP and also had a caseworker to help arrange for medical and employment requirements. She had no vehicle, and so they did help with transportation to and from groups and AA meetings.
See what the places offer for financial help for the first month/reduced rates/etc. They may also offer family counseling that will help you both rebuild trust so that at some point he may be able to return home to be part of a productive marriage and family.
Let me know if you have any further questions. All the best!
My wife finished 33 days at rehab and they referred us to an affiliated sober living facility... it is recommended they stay for a minimum of 6 months even up to a year if circumstances warrant it. The place she went into had a sliding scale for pay (one lady was paying $50/week, we were paying much more than that). They encourage employment and should help him find a job to work while helping him regain his footing on many aspects. The sober living facility had my wife doing counseling and IOP and also had a caseworker to help arrange for medical and employment requirements. She had no vehicle, and so they did help with transportation to and from groups and AA meetings.
See what the places offer for financial help for the first month/reduced rates/etc. They may also offer family counseling that will help you both rebuild trust so that at some point he may be able to return home to be part of a productive marriage and family.
Let me know if you have any further questions. All the best!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Thanks Spence,
It's so good to hear that that much comprehensive help and care are available, especially regarding therapy, sliding scale cost, and jobs. It's a relief. I've resolved to let him ask for help before I offer anything, but I will study up on what's available locally if it comes to that. He is such a classic case of a man who was raised by abusive alcoholic parents who is now so deep into the cycle of addiction and lies that he has nothing left.
My loved one and I have only been married a short time--it's a long story of long distance love after a bad divorce, ignoring red flags, and finally crashing and burning (binge drinking, hiding it, and stealing money from me) when we were able to live together--so I think that divorce and stepping way back to a platonic level is appropriate for us. He lived with his mom previously--she won't take him back (probably good for both of them anyway).
I love him, and I hope that someday (maybe in years to come) we may have a romantic relationship again, but he and I both understand that there is no room in his life at the moment for anything except recovery, and working on our own selves. I see now that my marrying him was in large part to try to protect and rescue him from problems he had brought upon himself.
It's very, very hard not to step in more. To try to facilitate healing between him and his family members, to reward "good" behavior with material things. I just know it leads to a messy, unproductive place...I'm trying to do what's right. Sometimes it is so hard to know exactly what "right" is!
Thank you again SO MUCH for your response. We live near a big city, so I am optimistic something like what you described will be available to us.
It's so good to hear that that much comprehensive help and care are available, especially regarding therapy, sliding scale cost, and jobs. It's a relief. I've resolved to let him ask for help before I offer anything, but I will study up on what's available locally if it comes to that. He is such a classic case of a man who was raised by abusive alcoholic parents who is now so deep into the cycle of addiction and lies that he has nothing left.
My loved one and I have only been married a short time--it's a long story of long distance love after a bad divorce, ignoring red flags, and finally crashing and burning (binge drinking, hiding it, and stealing money from me) when we were able to live together--so I think that divorce and stepping way back to a platonic level is appropriate for us. He lived with his mom previously--she won't take him back (probably good for both of them anyway).
I love him, and I hope that someday (maybe in years to come) we may have a romantic relationship again, but he and I both understand that there is no room in his life at the moment for anything except recovery, and working on our own selves. I see now that my marrying him was in large part to try to protect and rescue him from problems he had brought upon himself.
It's very, very hard not to step in more. To try to facilitate healing between him and his family members, to reward "good" behavior with material things. I just know it leads to a messy, unproductive place...I'm trying to do what's right. Sometimes it is so hard to know exactly what "right" is!
Thank you again SO MUCH for your response. We live near a big city, so I am optimistic something like what you described will be available to us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Sometimes help is needed to those that are unable to help themselves... for example, phone/internet time at rehab was limited, so I was doing research as to the places being recommended. I was doing these things not out of rescuing my mate, but rather ensuring that informed decisions as to her treatment were being made available. I would have done thins for any friend.. with nothing expected in return. In the end however, the decision on where to go was her's... and so are the costs associated with her recovery. While i am fronting the bills, they are being added to her list of bills to be paid. She is not escaping any consequences by me providing some assistance.
As for your relationship, it is amazing how much damage can be done thru an addiction... glad you both seem to be on the same page about where you are going with it in the future. My wife and I both agreed that we were committed to making our marriage work, and as such i put in as much effort as she was. However, with that said, I am also prepared to leave should she decide that her drugs are more important than the family and herself.
As for your relationship, it is amazing how much damage can be done thru an addiction... glad you both seem to be on the same page about where you are going with it in the future. My wife and I both agreed that we were committed to making our marriage work, and as such i put in as much effort as she was. However, with that said, I am also prepared to leave should she decide that her drugs are more important than the family and herself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
I appreciate hearing your perspective--it's such a balancing act between doing too much and doing not enough--like you said, reasonable things that you'd do for any friend that are not above and beyond the scope of reason.
I try to remind myself that no one is perfect, and as I navigate this situation I won't be perfect. But I can be thoughtful and do my best. I love him very much; I think if we had been married longer (it's been only three months, 2/3 of which was long distance) I would have done things differently...as the situation stands, I have done a lot of thinking about it and ultimately concluded that we have to go our separate ways. At least for the foreseeable future.
He needs room to learn how to be sober, all by himself. And honestly I need room to look at myself and work on some issues of my own. I truly HOPE that I've concluded correctly. I guess time will tell. Thank you so much for your advice and sharing with me. It helps a lot.
I try to remind myself that no one is perfect, and as I navigate this situation I won't be perfect. But I can be thoughtful and do my best. I love him very much; I think if we had been married longer (it's been only three months, 2/3 of which was long distance) I would have done things differently...as the situation stands, I have done a lot of thinking about it and ultimately concluded that we have to go our separate ways. At least for the foreseeable future.
He needs room to learn how to be sober, all by himself. And honestly I need room to look at myself and work on some issues of my own. I truly HOPE that I've concluded correctly. I guess time will tell. Thank you so much for your advice and sharing with me. It helps a lot.
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