mandypandy

Im on day 3 and still feel rough physically. I went to AA last night, for the company and people there were pretty nice (No BB thumping fanatics, just ordinary people). Only a small gathering.
My plan at the moment is just to plod on until I start feeling better. I am gathering tools for if the urge to drink comes on me, but at the moment thoughts of drinking still make me feel physically sick.

Gottalife

Is there something wrong with the Big Book?

mandypandy

I don't know if there is something wrong with it or not, haven't looked at it enough yet. But I am a bit wary of fanatics of any kind! Which is why I say I am relieved there were no fanatics there. Anyway, I have neither the will or the energy to get into any discussions on the BB or anything else.

Dee74

Keep moving forward Mandy - you're doing great. Things will get easier

D

FreeOwl

You mention gathering tools.

Now I’m no fanatic, nor have I ever thumped the Big Book.... but I remember being where you are more than once.

In my experience, I finally asked for a Big Book. I took it home and - despite my aversion - I read it cover to cover. And then I read it again.

There’s still some stuff in there I don’t really relate to..... but boy did I learn a lot. It gave me some tools to be sure. It also gave me one of the most powerful tools I could have; a simple ACTION I could take.

When I was tired and bored and thinking about alcohol..... I could read it. Taking action to support my sobriety.

When I was on the road for work and everyone was headed to the bar - I could retreat to my room and read that book. Action to protect my sobriety.

Those early days were the hardest and that book was a simple, physical, tangible tool I could grab onto, hold, actively use.

It also helped me gradually open to the ways I would use AA as a tool to help me stay sober.

I still am not any purist’s definition of an AA. There are parts I still don’t identify with. But without that book and that program and community I’m certain I wouldn’t be sober now over 4 years.

mandypandy

Thank you Dee, intend to keep plodding on through the gloop
Thank you too FreeOwl, I won't discount anything at this stage. I keep all options open. I have a few very good science based books that really help me understand the chemical/neurological reasons of how alcohol doesn't help with stress (always a good excuse to drink) and makes it much worse.
I have listened to the Ted talks on the connection not disconnection theories, I read all about rat park.
I read that book (can't remember it's title) on how alcoholics are born not made and have a missing liver enzyme that cannot process alcohol properly. Looked into AVRT and Smart And at least a trillion other things! Read and did them all while drunk.

AA does seem to bring in a more human, personal aspect. As does this site.
Will use everything and I mean everything at my disposal and not close my options off to anything. Apart from drinking, that option has to stay closed!

Nonsensical

Congrats on 3 days Mandy!

I am not a 12-stepper, but I like the fellowship of other alcoholics. I remember the first few meetings I went to were filled with thumpers, blowhards, and idiots. By the time I'd been to a hundred meetings I couldn't believe how much they'd learned about living sober.

Keep it going!

mandypandy

Thanks Nonsensical, I reckon there is no one-size-fits all solution. But the more you can inform yourself, the more your excuses to drink dwindle and it gets harder and harder to fool yourself into why you are doing it. Or that you can eventually overcome and control it while still drinking.
I agree, nothing beats talking to people who have learnt how to live happily without drinking, it's invaluable.

Nonsensical

I look at it like a 2-part problem.
Part 1 is the drinking. It has to stop, and there's only 1 solution for that. Stop pouring it in your face!

Part 2 - how to feel OK without drinking. That's where everyone needs to find their own path. It's difficult, but ask anyone who has found their path and they will tell you without hesitation it's worth it!

Stay sober and find your path, Mandy! Rootin' for ya!

mandypandy

I never looked at it like that before Nonsensical. I always just looked at the "stop pouring it in your face" bit and stopped at that. Or more realistically, stop for a bit and started again.
But I suppose it has to become a whole new way of life. Just as when I first started to drink problematically, that became a whole new way of life and the way of life where drink didn't matter that much to me faded away.
You have given me something to think about Nonsensical, thanks for your support.

mandypandy

My plan for the next week.
I want to write it here, as I am up and down from minute to minute and as I feel a little flash of self-motivation this minute, I want to capture these ideas to follow when I feel too down to do anything but follow instructions, if that makes sense?
Go to some more AA meetings-they are only up the road, I have no excuse not to push myself to them (Or sit on my own feeling down). I am not an introvert, being with people gives me a lift.

Do this thread, to keep track of if I am meeting my goals.

If I feel the urge to drink and I will/might when I feel better physically. Just ignore the urge (same way I have been ignoring bills coming through the post). Another reason I am writing this list, things on hand to do instead.

Read my William Porter book every day-it just destroys the myth that alcohol-at the stage I am- relaxes you, always my excuse to drink.

Watch one Kevin O'Hara video from youtube a day.

Read my Stop Procrastinating book for half an hour a day (I have used reading it in the past to procrastinate with). Then do 2 hours of housework a day. Get this pigsty clean. I will probably come across the corpses of the mice killed by the poison, but just get a bag, a dustpan and a pair of thick gloves and buckle up!
Then once the house is clean get in touch with the landlady about a more permenent solution.

Get in touch with my debtors (water rates, council tax, energy company) one a day, and set about arranging to pay off arrears I owe.

mandypandy

Just been watching Kevin O'Hara on you tube. He has a video with a suggestion on how to remember how you felt in the first days you stopped drinking after you had been stopped for a while, because forgetting the after effects of drinking seems to be so easy. It was to make a video of yourself explaining how you feel.
I have just done this. I played it back and the images seem to me to be more powerful than writing how you feel. It was uncomfortable to watch back.
After almost a month of fairly non stop drinking 750ml of spirits a day, it shows badly in this video. My eyes are dead, my skin is bad, I look like death warmed up and sound like it. I also videoed the state of my flat.
If I ever, ever, think that drinking is a good idea again, I'm hoping this will bring back to me, why it isn't

Komplex

Congrats on3 (4 now?) days Mandy! I am early in on day 16. I e found a lot of comfort both on this site and at AA. Like you, they are just a great group of people - and we have a lot in common. Keep “plodding”.

mandypandy

Thanks Komplex this is middle of day 3, so don't think I am out of withdrawals yet. Just trying to get something in place for when I start to feel better (although at this moment I think I never will). Have had this addiction for almost 20 years, I know as soon as I start to feel a bit better physically I will start to think why it wasn't that bad. Yes this site is a lot of comfort and people at AA meeting last night.

2ndhandrose

mandy!!! You have a great thread going for yourself here!

I did a lot of "plodding" in my early days. I just knew I was on the right path, and if all I could do in the beginning was "plod" then that is what I did.

I am looking forward to 'seeing' your progress

Ken0331

For me, stopping was easy. I'd stop every night, usually drunk and in some stage of black-out or pass out.

I could stop for a day or two, a few days. Early on, I could even stop for many, many months at a time.

Staying stopped was always my problem. I never stopped with the intention of being done with it for good.

AA has definitely helped with that. Fanatics? Yeah, I've seen a few fanatics in AA, usually people fairly new in sobriety who haven't learned balance in their lives yet. Most everyone I've met was just a normal person trying to stay sober.

ProfessorD

Plod on! That's exactly right! Good for you I'm plodding here with you

mandypandy

nearly 1pm day 4

Hello fellow plodder Professor D Glad you are plodding on too.
Yes Ken, I can stop for a bit (although the time between binges got smaller and smaller, from a few weeks to a few days). Going like I have been I think I was a tiny step from a chronic alcoholic. I ALWAYS stop with the intention of it being for good, never again. But then do nothing else. I suppose there are fanatics in every activity, but I think you are right, people who can't find a balance.

Thanks 2ndhandrose, it has been lovely having your support An ex-plodder!

I went to AA last night. Mostly different people, but still nice.
Have slept 6 hours total in 3 nights, but not bothered about that, feeling tired and out of sorts is better than staggering around drunk for days and "coming to" and finding you have almost lost a week to a walking oblivion.

Have met (sort of) most of my goals that I set for each day. Still have my Kevin O'Hara you tube video to watch today. Have read some more of William Porters brilliant book "Alcohol Explained"
Did, not 2 hours of housework, but about 45 minutes. I wafted ineffectually about the kitchen, but got some dishes washed and made and ate my first real meal since I stopped drinking.
AA meeting tonight. Read some of my "Stop Procrastinating" book.
I'm tired now, so tired that if I sit still for long I nod off. But I am going to see my mother later as I have been disgracefully neglecting her. She has plenty of other people around her, but still feel bad about it.
Have been a bit tearful thinking about my dad the last couple of days. But just sad and missing him, not anxious and trapped in black thoughts.
Thanks about all to report so far.

Komplex

Congrats on making it to day 4.

decchemist

When I fist saw your thread title mandypandy I thought you were going to say something about being arrested by the police. If you are a Brit you'll understand.