One Week
 

Yesterday was a week sober.

I checked out yesterday. Distracted myself with a couple of hobbies and ignored the goals I had to go to an AA meeting and clean my house.

I rationalized it away as a "I need a bit of downtime from this" type thing. That's not going to cut it for the things I have to get done to sell the house and move closer to work. But yesterday my emotional reservoir was tapped out. The realities of my situation - from the seriousness of the wreck to the seriousness of the consequences - continues to sink in.

Long term I need to let go of a lot of the self centeredness to enable necessary change to take place. I don't take for granted that it's not a guarantee that it happens - or that I can somehow 'think' my way to where I need to be. I need to do it. That's going to be a challenge for me.

All that said I'm not being hard on myself. Just commenting on what the realities are. I don't think taking yesterday 'off' is a big deal in the grand scheme. Just trying not to go numb and withdraw and completely return to old habits.

I prayed this morning for the energy and strength to do what I have to do in the coming days. I acknowledge that I can not do it on my own and that I have to get out of my own way. I don't know how to do that aside from ask for help from God and just try to do what I can each day. My thoughts often turn to doubt in faith, little whispers that try to undermine my commitment to change. Yesterday morning I gave in a little bit. It bothers me that I did.

Today I intend to at the very least have the car I need to get up and running ready to tow tomorrow - clean up the garage a bit. And clean up the house to a point where I can start doing what I need to do to get good value when I sell it. I'm thinking I'd like to paint & get carpet - but there's a couple things that need to get done prior to that point.

I will say that whenever despair starts creeping in I've been able to largely turn from it - to acknowledge that there's something going on in my life that's bigger than me and that my feelings of despair or other are simply me trying to hang on to how things used to be.

My life is different now. I need to let go.

Any time I have a thought or vision of me drinking in the future - which happens occasionally - I get scared. That's probably a good thing. I can not relapse. I'm terrified of what will happen if I do. I also know that that alone is not going to be enough to keep me sober. Beyond that I know nothing.

Dunno. Feeling a bit lost to be honest. But I'm committed to not drinking. Not sure what else there is to say right now.

Today is day 8. I'm grateful to not be where I was 8 days ago. That I know for certain.

-B

Buckley3, I’m so glad you posted your thoughts and how you’re struggling. I believe in your complete restoration and freedom from despair, at least for this day. That’s all I have is this one glorious day. Living this way is so much better! Hoping you accomplish today the things that give you the strength to move to the next on your list of goals. You can do it!

Well done, Buckley; a week is fantastic. I am so pleased for you.

I am glad that you had a down day. Please get right back with your program, AA, etc. Keep sobriety and recovery at the top of your priority list. Keeping it there makes everything else possible!

Stay close.

We care.

Down days happen to all of us, Buckley. Early sobriety is difficult, no doubt about it but you are working to clean stuff up in your life and that will always pay dividends.

Next right thing!

Congrats on Day 8.

Thanks to both of you.

Yes. Funny, I prayed for energy and seems I've found some. Going to spend a few hours getting my to do list done. I'm a momentum guy - once I get started and moving I tend to not stop. But when I stop getting going again can take a small act of divinity. :P

I have a very intense week. 2 consulting gigs W-F and normal work M & T that includes a very intense schedule. The gigs require travel - I fly out Wednesday night and return Friday night. I'm considering trying to find an AA meeting near where I'm staying. Would be interesting to do one in another part of the country - call it an adventure.

Like most of us know - the anticipation of things is always worse than the doing. I feel like I have so much to do right now it gets overwhelming and when I just think about it it makes me not want to do anything. Need to push past that and just get busy.

I did get 8 hours of sleep last night for the first time since I can remember. Feel halfway refreshed for once.

-B

Anticipation/anxiety/excitement are all the same physical body feeling for me.

I stopped looking at that feeling as a bad thing. It's just gettin' ready/prepared for whatever action is upcoming!

Congratulations on one week and allowing yourself a day off. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps so much to share what you are going through and know you are not alone. Sobriety is a roller coaster road and I have found it a lot easier when I settle in and accept the ride. It is so worth it.

You certainly deserved a rest day, Buckley. I am on Day 7. Went to AA this morning. Haven't been in over a year. It felt good to get out after detoxing all week.

Hang in there! This too shall pass.

Hey you! Was wondering how you were doing the last couple days. So glad to hear you are still trucking. C'mon let's do this....

And thanks so much to everyone. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. :)

Perceptions are funny things.

Two hours of cleaning. I'm done. Well, not done done but done for today.

Granted I likely didn't get as far as I imagined I would. But something funny (and probably predictable) happened. First, it took about 1/4 the time to get things where I'm satisfied for now. Proof it's never as bad as I often think it is. Second, I made a list of everything I need to do - in order - to get my house on sale for max value. Turns out I'm pretty sure if I just spend about an hour a day and a few hours each weekend I can get it done much faster than I thought. I suppose I'm a bit surprised by this b/c for the vast majority of as long as I can remember I've done nothing at all to tend to myself and my home. So I've lost touch with what actually happens when you do something. Been living in my head for far too long.

As I cleaned I was confronted with just how depressed and withdrawn I've been. And signs of my chemical abuse and it's effects were everywhere. From just the basic way I neglected the care of my home to 4 bottles of Visine I found - from smoking weed and using Visine to hide the bloodshot eyes. I'd buy a bottle, use it for awhile, misplace it, and just buy a new one because the fog I was in made me too lazy and dis-interested to find the old one. I wonder just how much of my life I've been living that way. Most of it I'm sure.

There is something very therapeutic about the purging. So. Much. Purging. Happening right now. Physical in the form of my bruises healing, night sweats and other side effects of cleansing. Physical in the form of throwing away clutter that I'd been intending to throw away for years. Emotional & Spiritual too.

The last 15 minutes or so I was crying. Overwhelmed with emotions that have been buried for years. I do not have the words to describe the feeling... some of it is sorrow but most of it is this strange sort of relief and awe at the possibility of living a life that isn't dominated by such unthinkable numbness and neglect.

And I kid you not - when I started cleaning I put on a Sunday message from a church I used to go to a long long time ago. The message was about Grace. And - I kid you not - the pastor used the example of a drunk driver in the message. I won't claim to know if it's coincidence or not - maybe it was - I suppose that's one way of looking at it. But that's not the way I'm going to choose to look at it.

I already feel better. I'm emotional as hell right now - but that's probably healthy. I haven't felt anything particularly healthy or therapeutic for a long long time.

I was listening to Foo Fighters while cleaning. They've always been my go to for uplifting and cleaning and such. This song - and it's simple message - well, it's kinda obvious. Thought I'd share.

I, I'm a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I, I'm a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again
I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times…

(post #10) awesome post. :)

Beautiful. Funny what that means to me/us/people like us now - whereas I know in high school I might have thought it was meant for me. Ha.

Now it really strikes a chord.