julietUK

I never told anyone on here but I also used weed as well as alcohol. I have given that up to. I feel as if all the emotions I repressed I am now feeling and it is not nice.

I can't stop crying, I was like this the other day but not for long and I felt better for it afterwards but this time I just can't stop. I have been up since 8am and crying since then, its now 20 minutes to 12 and there seems to be no let up.

I have made such a mess of everything. I married a man I knew was bad for me; I went back to him in a moment of weakness (drunk of course) and then married him. He was an emotional abuser but comes across as the perfect man. We have split up now, I did find the courage to leave him, but I can't get out of my head what a fool I have been and what I put up with. He got so much worse once we were married. I was trapped with nowhere to go, and he knew that. I still haven't told my family I have left him cos I know they would think it was me. It wasn't me, he was evil and cruel. His last wife drank herself to death and I came close. No matter what the situation between us he still bought me booze, every day, as much as I wanted. Think he realised I was easier to manipulate drunk. He is an alcoholic too, another reason for not wanting me sober.

I know I am rambling but I felt I have to post and be honest. I knew deep down that the weed was helping me repress my feelings, much more than booze. But I didn't realise it was to this degree.

I am 53 years old and for the first time in almost 40 years I am dealing with life with no mind altering substances. It hurts like mad. Like many emotional abusers firstly he isolated me so I had no social support, everyone is on his side because the don't know who is really is. Since I left him I have been able to see my friends without him there and it is good. But somewhere along the way I have lost people, I don't work cos on paper I work for him. I have spent the last week not talking to a single person. I really don't know when this happened. I used to be so busy, in fact I didn't get enough time to myself. I just don't know how I ended up so alone. I think he is just sitting waiting for me to relapse and go back. But that will never happen.

I want to delete all this and not post it. But I have to. I feel as if I am having a breakdown. I can't stop crying. I am too old the start afresh but I have to do. Thank you all for being here. I should be celebrating 2 months today but I feel I will never break free from the past. I read all the things that says the past shouldn't define you, but I think it does. What is wrong with me that I put up with all that. No one else would. I never even knew I was so weak. Sad thing is he spotted it.

brighterday1234

Check out an AA meeting. Look online and it’ll tell you all the meetings local to your area.

Dee74

Hi Juliet

no one comes into recovery knowing how to handle emotions, especially things like shame and regret and obsessing about the past. Its a learning curve for all of us

We're like babies learning to walk in a way - but we have adult brains so we learn pretty quickly I think all things considered?

I was terrified to death of feeling feelings - I'd avoided that for 30 years...but I got used to it eventually and once they didn't scare me anymore I was fine - you will be too

The way I see the past is....everything Ive been through, good and bad bought me here - and here is a pretty good place.

I also like the person who's emerged out the other side. I'm kind the sum of all my parts and a little bit extra seasoned by experience

and I smoked weed too - 30 years worth - no one is going to look down on you for that here

D

JayTee33

Juliet, congratulations on your 2 months, you should take pride in that. I aspire to that 2 months! What you're going through is what I feared the absolute most when I stopped drinking. Dulling emotional pain was a huge reason I drank. Ironically, I ended up causing myself a lot more pain and self-loathing through my actions while drunk.

When I stopped drinking a week ago, I was flooded with those negative thoughts and recriminations without the "shield" of alcohol. It is painful, I totally understand. I've been doing a lot of reading about strategies to deal with this. First of all, in the early days of your recovery, I think it's important that we be kind and gentle to ourselves. Try your best not to beat yourself up. You have done an amazing thing getting this far in your journey to sobriety. Focus on that, on the strength it took you to get there. You were also amazingly strong to get out of your toxic relationship. When I start to beat myself up about something, I try to shove that thought out of my mind and tell myself something like this: "You're working hard now to become your best self. Be proud of that. You have happy days in your future because of this hard work." It doesn't always work, sometimes I just have to experience the painful emotions.

I also distanced myself from my friends when I was feeling my worst, but I'm making a strong effort now to reconnect. I totally know that it's tempting to isolate yourself, but I strongly suggest you reach out to those who can support you.

It may be worthwhile to talk to a counsellor or to your doctor as well.

Last but not least the wonderful people here at SR are here for you with support and resources. Best of luck.

julietUK

Thank you. I have reached out to one friend who knows more about my ex than the other friends. She had just texted and said 'the last ten years have been horrible to watch'. I know. Its good she understands. I am trying to reconnect now. The snow doesn't help in making me feel isolated.

Thank you Dee, I know you speak the truth. I am hoping to come out the other side, but it is a slow move.

Berrybean

Juliet, so many of us here (and in AA if you ever choose to go) can relate to what you're sharing here. So many times I've heard, "the good thing about sobriety? You get your emotions back. The bad thing about sobriety? You get your emotions back!" At the moment the emotions causing you tears are negative emotions (shame, fear, resentments - they all bring their share of those our way). But you know, when we stick at this we start to get to feel joy as well. I have felt such joy over seemingly little things that I have actually wept with joy and gratitude. Something I would never imagine could happen.

Why not try some meetings. Just give it a month. At least that way you'll have a chance to learn new and better ways of dealing with those emotions, and it definitely helps us to not isolate. A LOT.

Keep at it. It does get better, it can just take a little while.

BB

benzenering

Hugs! I am quitting an emotional abusive relationship in a few weeks. I know what you've been through. Just wanted to give you a little bit of support. Congratulations on your sobriety.

soberista

Hi Juliet

Having been through a coercive control (domestic abuse) situation I think that part of what you are going through has other fingers in other pies. I think your sobriety is great, as is giving up the weed, but DA rips out the very essence of your self confidence and can leave you feeling like a broken and trembling person until you slowly gather all the pieces of yourself up (and what makes you a happy person) and put them back together. If you have been in a situation where you have become isolated by him then it is difficult to break free and create a new life (thats why he does it!) There is a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why does he do that. Maybe read the reviews on amazon. It may help you to move forward if you understand how this situation has come about. I agree go to AA meetings but also see if there is a DA support group in the area. IDAS may be a good place to start. Coercive control has now been acknowledged by the law and is something that can cause a custodial sentence if the perpetrator is found guilty. Not suggesting that is the route you take but just so you can understand the severity it is now viewed with. Your friend saying the last ten years have been horrible to watch is classic. You knew something was wrong but couldnt get away and friends wouldnt have understood why you didnt kick him to the kerb but these people fill you with fear and its not easy to get away from them. There is also a chat room here https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/ where you can meet other women in similar situations. Hope that helps. Xx

Nonsensical

Only because you don't know how.

The solution is to learn how. Commit yourself to the solution.
(Hint: It isn't in a bottle.)

You can do this.

julietUK

Thank you all for the messages of support. I did think it would stop the crying if I posted and get out how I feel, and it did! Don't know why sharing helps but it does. Now got a headache from crying but I can live with that.

I do want to go to AA, there is only one meeting a week in my town but there are others. I will give it a go. I have been lots of times before but never worked the steps or got a sponsor. Someone on here said its like joining a gym but just sitting there when you go, and wonder why no result! That hit home for me.

I have lost a lot of confidence, including driving, so I come up with excuses not to go out, which doesn't help. Amongst all this pain is a hope that I actually could live totally clean and sober, and that is what I am holding onto. Strange thing is I don't actually have any cravings today. I know I am unhappy but for the first time in years I feel I am on the right path, albeit at the very beginning of it.
Thank you all.

02022018

HUGS Juliet!

DontRemember

Had I stayed in my relationship, I'd be going to a bar for "breakfast" today. That would end in a drunken afternoon,for us both, with a 75% chance of her being emotionally abusive. It got to where I couldn't stand to be around her sober and hated it when she was drunk. It took me being sober, more often than not, to realize what was actually going on with us and realizing the only times I would even think about drinking were tied to her and the way I was allowing her words/actions to affect my mental state.

DarklingSong

Juliet, thinking of you. You are doing the most courageous thing possible in making a new life. Two months is early days, and for me thats when the emotions really hit full force. After a while it settles down. You just need to keep going now.
And well done on reaching out.....I don't know why it helps either, but it invariably does.
DS

Zanna

Hi Juliet - I'm lucky - I tried weed once and thought the guy innocently mowing his lawn next door, was out to get me (he never even looked in my direction)
I DO understand about the abuse though and as you're in the UK too, wondered if you have had any contact with Womens Aid and especially their 'freedom project' ? I went through their course (it's free) and it taught me so much.
Hugs to ya x

Buckley3

Don't delete it. You are confronting things - that takes courage.

Don't stop crying. Get it out. It's healthy.

You aren't too old. Do stop telling yourself that. Granted, it's a valid feeling - don't deny reality, we don't have to be naive - but you have a LOT of life left. And at this point days of drunk-ness are like dog years. We wasted so much time then. A day of sobriety is like 7 days of being drunk. Or more. Practice changing your frame of reference? Wasted time - that's one perspective. Much productive, sober time ahead? That's another perspective. I prefer the latter. You don't have to stay shackled to guilt, shame and regret.

I'm an emotional mess right now too. You aren't alone. But we're sober so there's hope.

Hang in there and stick close. This place - and I - care. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me realize I'm not alone. Whether you knew it or not you are already having a positive impact on people.

Treat yourself to something - a hot bath, some ice cream, a walk - whatever. You've made a courageous decision. Feel good about yourself for that.

-B

AnvilheadII

baby steps juliet.....you'll get there!