I Love My Wife - She Loves Alcohol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
"Deep down in my heart I love this woman and am willing to fight to the end for her"
You maybe willing, but SHE is the one that has to do the work for her. It's not a few trips to the shrink. We all have baggage, and we all process/carry that in our own ways.
YOU can't fix her. You can support and encourage but mind you alcoholism isn't something you can walk alone without being tread marks in the dirt. Look at Alanon for yourself.
AG
You maybe willing, but SHE is the one that has to do the work for her. It's not a few trips to the shrink. We all have baggage, and we all process/carry that in our own ways.
YOU can't fix her. You can support and encourage but mind you alcoholism isn't something you can walk alone without being tread marks in the dirt. Look at Alanon for yourself.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 253
Hi - I'm so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Your post made me cry because it could have been written by my OH. I have been a problem drinker since I was a teen and it's not because I had anything traumatic happen to me but looking back I think I had some form of undiagnosed anxiety/depression and so as soon as I could drink I found the relief to this stressful life I needed and it went downhill from there.
I got really bad in that I was having big binges lasting days at a time every couple of weeks. It was affecting my work and I was doing the exact same thing your wife does (hiding drink, legging it home when she know you are at work so she can drink in peace etc etc). It's because she knows if you were there you would stop her. Also it is common swapping one addiction for another if you don't deal with the underlying issues. I went the other way, started with drink and when I stopped doing that regularly then I turned to food. I don't have control over my drinking and I'm overweight so I feel bad about this too. Better than drinking but still!
I had to stop the really bad drinking behaviour because I got pregnant and had 2 children close together. I was literally pg for 18 months with a 6 month gap in between. It stopped me long enough for me to learn that I could cope most of the time without alcohol. I know I'd probably be dead or living on the streets now if my 2 gorgeous boys hasn't come along. They are now nearly 9 and 10 but still I have epsiodes of drinking. They are infrequent but do enough damage each time to make me feel like I've messed up everything. The awful feelings I have in the days after - I would quite easily kill myself but my family stop me and I know now that they do pass.
One of my biggest regrets is the effect this has on my OH and children. And sometimes my motivation when I really want a drink and don't is because I don't want to re-ignite his distrust of me. But this last week I did - again! He was working away and I drank.
It is without doubt a progressive disease and her binges will get more frequent and more destructive if she doesn't stop. She will eventually stop caring about the consequences. Not because she has stopped caring but because the pain of the guilt and self hatred will become stronger than her love and she will try and bury them.
My binges now happen every few months and I wish they didn't and each time I vow it will be the last but somehow every now and again it gets the better of me. I know now I need to stop long enough to be able to think straight and it does take a good few days after for that to happen.
I cant tell you what to do. If she doesn't stop it will eventually destroy you both. At what point you give up and have her go away to sort herself out (she will either sink or swim when that happens) is for you to decide. I am pretty sure when she is sober and has been away from alcohol for a few days then she will tell you she knows she needs to stay away from it.
I am yet to find the answer but for me the most helpful thing has been looking at it from a spiritual point of view. I immerse myself when I've had a binge so I can connect the dots again and help forgive myself. Guilt/shame/embarrassment are very destructive emotions and it is not helpful at all to spend time indulging in these. I completely understand why I drink - it's actually very simple but how to stop is a different matter. I admire those who have managed to stop completely.
I got really bad in that I was having big binges lasting days at a time every couple of weeks. It was affecting my work and I was doing the exact same thing your wife does (hiding drink, legging it home when she know you are at work so she can drink in peace etc etc). It's because she knows if you were there you would stop her. Also it is common swapping one addiction for another if you don't deal with the underlying issues. I went the other way, started with drink and when I stopped doing that regularly then I turned to food. I don't have control over my drinking and I'm overweight so I feel bad about this too. Better than drinking but still!
I had to stop the really bad drinking behaviour because I got pregnant and had 2 children close together. I was literally pg for 18 months with a 6 month gap in between. It stopped me long enough for me to learn that I could cope most of the time without alcohol. I know I'd probably be dead or living on the streets now if my 2 gorgeous boys hasn't come along. They are now nearly 9 and 10 but still I have epsiodes of drinking. They are infrequent but do enough damage each time to make me feel like I've messed up everything. The awful feelings I have in the days after - I would quite easily kill myself but my family stop me and I know now that they do pass.
One of my biggest regrets is the effect this has on my OH and children. And sometimes my motivation when I really want a drink and don't is because I don't want to re-ignite his distrust of me. But this last week I did - again! He was working away and I drank.
It is without doubt a progressive disease and her binges will get more frequent and more destructive if she doesn't stop. She will eventually stop caring about the consequences. Not because she has stopped caring but because the pain of the guilt and self hatred will become stronger than her love and she will try and bury them.
My binges now happen every few months and I wish they didn't and each time I vow it will be the last but somehow every now and again it gets the better of me. I know now I need to stop long enough to be able to think straight and it does take a good few days after for that to happen.
I cant tell you what to do. If she doesn't stop it will eventually destroy you both. At what point you give up and have her go away to sort herself out (she will either sink or swim when that happens) is for you to decide. I am pretty sure when she is sober and has been away from alcohol for a few days then she will tell you she knows she needs to stay away from it.
I am yet to find the answer but for me the most helpful thing has been looking at it from a spiritual point of view. I immerse myself when I've had a binge so I can connect the dots again and help forgive myself. Guilt/shame/embarrassment are very destructive emotions and it is not helpful at all to spend time indulging in these. I completely understand why I drink - it's actually very simple but how to stop is a different matter. I admire those who have managed to stop completely.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
What lovely posts.
I can relate to your wife.
I have a self destructive personality and it has taken me years to realise it and I am still working on fixing it.
First food, then cigs, then booze, and when I quit all of those found other ways to self destruct by procrastinating, etc.
Now that I see it, I can solve it. Its all part of the same pattern.
Not sure why, but I am not sure it matters. Usually its because you did not get the love you needed as a child. This is why one child raised by the same parents in the same way is fine because the love they gave was what s/he needed, and the other child not (s/he needed something else). Or the parents were at different pints in their lives, etc.
The thing is -- even if the parents did their best, it may not be jive with the child's needs.
But the thing is, you can't work on any of this until alcohol is off the table. At least I couldn't.
But once I stopped drinking, I started to see the pattern and work on it.
I found a book called "why we suffer" to be very helpful.
She is lucky to have you.
I can relate to your wife.
I have a self destructive personality and it has taken me years to realise it and I am still working on fixing it.
First food, then cigs, then booze, and when I quit all of those found other ways to self destruct by procrastinating, etc.
Now that I see it, I can solve it. Its all part of the same pattern.
Not sure why, but I am not sure it matters. Usually its because you did not get the love you needed as a child. This is why one child raised by the same parents in the same way is fine because the love they gave was what s/he needed, and the other child not (s/he needed something else). Or the parents were at different pints in their lives, etc.
The thing is -- even if the parents did their best, it may not be jive with the child's needs.
But the thing is, you can't work on any of this until alcohol is off the table. At least I couldn't.
But once I stopped drinking, I started to see the pattern and work on it.
I found a book called "why we suffer" to be very helpful.
She is lucky to have you.
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