Handled it all wrong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Handled it all wrong
Hi, I'm new here. I am at a turning point with my husband and don't know where to turn. Here is my story, I'll make it as short as possible but am going to start at the beginning and need to get it off my chest.
I've been married about 20 years to the love of my life and soulmate. We both drank but not excessively, a glass of wine or a beer at night, maybe two for him then about 7 years ago I began to notice I'd have a glass and he'd finish the bottle. At first when I'd mention it to him he'd cut back and my concern would diminish but then it progressively got worse and he was having 1 or 2 glasses of wine and 4-6 beers every night. Then one day, 5 years ago, I found a bottle of vodka hidden in our garage. I panicked. For the next month or two I would monitor it without his knowledge. He was drinking about a 6-pack of beer in the house and 1/3 bottle of vodka secretly in the garage. One day, in my panicked state, I confronted him rather frantically, accused him and did it all wrong. I knew he needed help but he was convinced he'd show me and quit on his own, no problem. I cut a deal with him that if he didn't quit or get help he'd have to move out. I wish I had held up my end of the deal.
Since then he has danced around his drinking problem. He was a pot smoker and he did quit that and joined a group to help him quit. This was a great step but not the only step he needed to take. He became quite focused on his pot smoking and tried to believe that this was his real problem but I sensed he was really trying to avoid confronting his drinking problem. Eventually I went to a few AlAnon meetings and didn't feel like it was helping me but I did learn a few things. I learned about detachment and at that time I was not the least bit interested in a marriage with detachment. No way. Then I realized that I was making myself crazy with my obsession in looking for his bottles or proof of his drinking. He always lied to me if I asked or confronted so what was the use? So I did my best to let it go and no longer look for any bottles. I rarely find any evidence other than beer bottle caps in his pocket, under the car seat or in the garage, however I can smell it on him often. When that happens I just feel sad for him and crawl into my own emotional hole. Little did I know, but detachment had begun. I also find myself pulling away because his health is not good. My athletic husband is now 60 lbs overweight and has high blood pressure (150/95). I feel like I'm watching him self destruct.
Last month he cancelled plans with me because he was too tired from work (he was working a few 14 hour days). I brought him some food and found his bottle. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I'd been turning the other cheek and pretending not to notice for so long. I don't want to live like this any longer. Last night he was complaining about someone who he felt wasn't working hard enough towards their goals and said that if they wanted it bad enough they would have worked harder. I snapped. I didn't think before I spoke and told him that's how I've felt about his drinking. I said that I've told him how I've felt over the years (I've told him I'd do anything he needed to help him, that I'm lonely in our marriage, that I felt our family wasn't the most important thing to him, etc.) and when he hasn't sought help I felt that he didn't want it enough. I truly feel like that most of the time but I also know it wasn't at all helpful to throw it at him like that. I also asked him to move out within the next 3 months and I truly meant it. I don't want to live like this anymore. Our lives have become a web of lies around the elephant in the room.
He didn't get angry and knows that he's lied so much that there isn't much he can say so all he asked was how can he prove he isn't drinking any more? All I could say was that if he truly wanted to recover I would know. Over the years we've pretty much said anything there is to say and nothing changes. I know that he loves me and our family and he does not want to have this ruining his and our life and I my heart breaks for him. I just can't live like this anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since last night except for to say that he doesn't know when he'll be home tonight and to have dinner without him.
I don't know how to approach him now. I want to let him know I love him and would be there to help in any way I can but I just cannot live like this any more. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.
I've been married about 20 years to the love of my life and soulmate. We both drank but not excessively, a glass of wine or a beer at night, maybe two for him then about 7 years ago I began to notice I'd have a glass and he'd finish the bottle. At first when I'd mention it to him he'd cut back and my concern would diminish but then it progressively got worse and he was having 1 or 2 glasses of wine and 4-6 beers every night. Then one day, 5 years ago, I found a bottle of vodka hidden in our garage. I panicked. For the next month or two I would monitor it without his knowledge. He was drinking about a 6-pack of beer in the house and 1/3 bottle of vodka secretly in the garage. One day, in my panicked state, I confronted him rather frantically, accused him and did it all wrong. I knew he needed help but he was convinced he'd show me and quit on his own, no problem. I cut a deal with him that if he didn't quit or get help he'd have to move out. I wish I had held up my end of the deal.
Since then he has danced around his drinking problem. He was a pot smoker and he did quit that and joined a group to help him quit. This was a great step but not the only step he needed to take. He became quite focused on his pot smoking and tried to believe that this was his real problem but I sensed he was really trying to avoid confronting his drinking problem. Eventually I went to a few AlAnon meetings and didn't feel like it was helping me but I did learn a few things. I learned about detachment and at that time I was not the least bit interested in a marriage with detachment. No way. Then I realized that I was making myself crazy with my obsession in looking for his bottles or proof of his drinking. He always lied to me if I asked or confronted so what was the use? So I did my best to let it go and no longer look for any bottles. I rarely find any evidence other than beer bottle caps in his pocket, under the car seat or in the garage, however I can smell it on him often. When that happens I just feel sad for him and crawl into my own emotional hole. Little did I know, but detachment had begun. I also find myself pulling away because his health is not good. My athletic husband is now 60 lbs overweight and has high blood pressure (150/95). I feel like I'm watching him self destruct.
Last month he cancelled plans with me because he was too tired from work (he was working a few 14 hour days). I brought him some food and found his bottle. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I'd been turning the other cheek and pretending not to notice for so long. I don't want to live like this any longer. Last night he was complaining about someone who he felt wasn't working hard enough towards their goals and said that if they wanted it bad enough they would have worked harder. I snapped. I didn't think before I spoke and told him that's how I've felt about his drinking. I said that I've told him how I've felt over the years (I've told him I'd do anything he needed to help him, that I'm lonely in our marriage, that I felt our family wasn't the most important thing to him, etc.) and when he hasn't sought help I felt that he didn't want it enough. I truly feel like that most of the time but I also know it wasn't at all helpful to throw it at him like that. I also asked him to move out within the next 3 months and I truly meant it. I don't want to live like this anymore. Our lives have become a web of lies around the elephant in the room.
He didn't get angry and knows that he's lied so much that there isn't much he can say so all he asked was how can he prove he isn't drinking any more? All I could say was that if he truly wanted to recover I would know. Over the years we've pretty much said anything there is to say and nothing changes. I know that he loves me and our family and he does not want to have this ruining his and our life and I my heart breaks for him. I just can't live like this anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since last night except for to say that he doesn't know when he'll be home tonight and to have dinner without him.
I don't know how to approach him now. I want to let him know I love him and would be there to help in any way I can but I just cannot live like this any more. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you asked him to move out, I think you have to be prepared that he is going to pull away and that he may just stop coming home.
Are you able to function financially? I would talk to an attorney sooner rather than later and get your ducks in a row.
Are you able to function financially? I would talk to an attorney sooner rather than later and get your ducks in a row.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I want to commend you for making such a positive, healthy choice for how you want to live your life, and what you are no longer willing to put up with. Until your husband finds the willingness to change, both of you are just in for more of the same, and you want and deserve more from your relationship.
For what it's worth, I don't think you handled it "wrong". There is no perfect way to handle the conversation you had, but you were honest about how you feel, and that is the best any of us can do.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself as he works through his response to what you've said. It may be that he needs time and space to absorb it. It may be that he's just distancing himself from you for long enough that he thinks you'll justs get over it. It may be that he is punishing you for being honest about his drinking. You can't control any of that. You can only control what you do.
For what it's worth, I don't think you handled it "wrong". There is no perfect way to handle the conversation you had, but you were honest about how you feel, and that is the best any of us can do.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself as he works through his response to what you've said. It may be that he needs time and space to absorb it. It may be that he's just distancing himself from you for long enough that he thinks you'll justs get over it. It may be that he is punishing you for being honest about his drinking. You can't control any of that. You can only control what you do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Wow Sonja that story hit me hard. It could have been written, with some different facts here and there, by my wife.
May I ask how old your husband is?
I have dealt with my addition to booze and hiding it from my wife and previous women for so many years. I'm finally attempting to atone for what I've done to my wife and my family - and walking the line for myself as well.
I can't offer any experience from your side of the aisle. It sounds like you are a remarkably empathetic person. I can't feel the betrayal or lack of trust that you must feel, that I've made others feel. But I can say that I know the shame and guilt and weakness and pathetic emotions that your husband must feel.
I also know those feelings, strong as they may be, didn't stop me from boozing in the face of them.
I do agree with Sparkle - it's up to him, not you. And you can only control and take care of yourself and your family.
May I ask how old your husband is?
I have dealt with my addition to booze and hiding it from my wife and previous women for so many years. I'm finally attempting to atone for what I've done to my wife and my family - and walking the line for myself as well.
I can't offer any experience from your side of the aisle. It sounds like you are a remarkably empathetic person. I can't feel the betrayal or lack of trust that you must feel, that I've made others feel. But I can say that I know the shame and guilt and weakness and pathetic emotions that your husband must feel.
I also know those feelings, strong as they may be, didn't stop me from boozing in the face of them.
I do agree with Sparkle - it's up to him, not you. And you can only control and take care of yourself and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I don't really like to dip my toe into marriages, as the dynamics in each one are different. He needs help, and you've had your fill. I totally understand. But I'll give you a man's perspective. Twice my wife has threatened me (one to move out and one to file for divorce). When she threatened to move out I simply told her be careful what you wish for, it might come true. When she threatened divorce, I rattled off my lawyer, law firm and details of my divorce consultation I had already had. Haven't heard a peep from her since. I know that's not very nice , but threatening to leave me is not nice either. And for the record, since I quit drinking we almost never argue. Its been very nice.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Welcome!
I think the best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself, and prepare yourself financially and emotionally for your husband to move out, as you requested. I hope that you find some peace in your life.
I think the best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself, and prepare yourself financially and emotionally for your husband to move out, as you requested. I hope that you find some peace in your life.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 71
Sonja, really sorry to hear of your situation, your husband sounds a lot like I was. I managed to stop drinking before my wife left/kicked me out but I have no doubt it would have happened.
On the minus side, however many times she actually caught me drinking vodka or found the bottles, I got away with it many times more. On the plus side, he can stop if he really wants to and, in my case at least, that saved our relationship.
As others have said maybe you should prepare for the worst, but if you can point him in the right direction and set some boundaries, maybe he'll do the right thing.
Best of luck whatever happens; I know from being on both sides of the fence, that however bad it is for the addict, it's also very tough for the family.
On the minus side, however many times she actually caught me drinking vodka or found the bottles, I got away with it many times more. On the plus side, he can stop if he really wants to and, in my case at least, that saved our relationship.
As others have said maybe you should prepare for the worst, but if you can point him in the right direction and set some boundaries, maybe he'll do the right thing.
Best of luck whatever happens; I know from being on both sides of the fence, that however bad it is for the addict, it's also very tough for the family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you for your responses. I need to clarify. I was not threatening him with moving out - I was serious about it. I am truly ready and can't live like this any more. I am really regretting how I handled it. I just kind of threw it at him and he didn't deserve that. I want to give him plenty of time and for us to get to a place where we can tell the kids with some sort of mutual plan. I know that this might sound really weird but I'd much rather he leave while I'm still in love with him and not resentful and angry and out of love with him. The last few weeks I've had growing resentment and bitterness about everything. I don't want that to destroy any chance of a good relationship - married or not. In a perfect world we will find common ground. In a fantasy world he will hit bottom and turn his life around. In a realistic world he might move out tomorrow and want nothing to do with me ever again. I am terrified of that but will take my chances. I don't want to be the one to let anger turn our relationship toxic and if I continue like this I'm confident it will. I'm still heartbroken though.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sonja,
You seem wise and brave.
You have made a difficult choice. Although you might have executed that choice better in a perfect world, the fact that you made it out of love means more.
Not many people would have the maturity and sense of self and love and respect for him that you do.
Whatever happens, hold on to all of that and you will be fine.
I hope for him he knows how lucky he is and makes the right choice. But you can't control that. But I can hope.
You seem wise and brave.
You have made a difficult choice. Although you might have executed that choice better in a perfect world, the fact that you made it out of love means more.
Not many people would have the maturity and sense of self and love and respect for him that you do.
Whatever happens, hold on to all of that and you will be fine.
I hope for him he knows how lucky he is and makes the right choice. But you can't control that. But I can hope.
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