Libbynurse1

I am married to a wonderful man and we recently had a baby girl. The issue is her 32 year old son. He is an alcoholic and is pretty volitile when drinking. He also has a child that my husband and I want to stay close to. We talked before marriage about the need to have boundaries regarding hos drinking especially once our baby was born. However now the time is here and my husband wont set them. He is able to come over drunk stay as long as he wants and drink as much as he wants and I cant say a thing. The excuse i get from my husband is that we cant upset him because of the grandchild. I feel like we now have our child to also think about and she needs a stable home. Anyone have thoughts? I am seriously down to leaving in the middle of the night with the baby.

entropy1964

Hmmm. Two separate issues I think. 1) Boundaries in your home. It is your home too. If husband won't set boundaries, tell him you will. Tell Step son that he cannot come over drunk and he cannot drink in your house (lock up booze). 2) Is the grandchild in danger? Are Step son and child's mom divorced? If so who has custody? If you believe the child is in danger than I would think speaking with the Mom and coming up with a plan is important.

Its really hard as a parent to turn our kids away. But your husband is only participating in his son's demise, not his recovery. You will have to be strong. If you can't be, then you'll have to accept the situation, protect yourself and your child. If that means leaving then you have to do that. But being in a gray area will only cause you a lot of frustration and worry. Hard to do, I know. But addiction is black and white. You're either in the problem or you're in the solution.

Libbynurse1

Thanks for the reply. I dont think the child is in danger. The parents arent together and the mom has custody. I think the thing that irritates me the most is that i dont even know when they're coming or what the plans are so i am always on edge and waiting for the next big blow up. For example just last night the son and grandchild came over for dinner. This part was planned and ok. I didnt get to see them when they arrived and didnt get to visit because our new baby has colic and i was upstairs with her all evening trying to soothe her. I came down for dinner and the son made a comment that they were spending the night. I guess it had been planned because he had been drinking all evening and now couldnt drive. I said ok i didnt know that. He said well i dont have to and i said its ok i just didnt know. So from that my husband unloads on me about how horrible i am that i don't want them to stay. I tried to explain that i just didnt know they were and would appreciate being told when plans were made. Especially since we have a newborn who isnt sleeping and i am exhausted. More screaming and yelling about how awful i am until about 1 am. Now he acts like nothing happened

BlownOne

I am married to a wonderful man and we recently had a baby girl.

He was screaming and yelling at you about how awful you are until 1 am and now he acts like nothing happened? Doesn't sound that wonderful to me. There are plenty of married men who do NOT treat their wives that way.

Wastinglife

Is the house you share with your husband the same house your step-son grew up in? I ask because a friend of mine had an issue when his father re-married and his step-mother moved in. My friend was an adult and had moved out already but he felt his new step-mom acted like she owned the place. Emptied out his old childhood bedroom for her own teenage daughter without consulting him.

I wonder if it's that type of dynamic.

tomsteve

Libby, abuse comes in many forms and what your husband did was/is abusive.
i hope ya visit the the friends and family of alcoholics forum here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Libbynurse1

Thanks for the replies. Yes he grew up there from the time he was 6 or 7 on. His bedroom is still here and now also has his childs things. I was careful when i moved in not to disturb his things even though he hasnt lived here for a while. He lives with various relatives because he hasnt been able to keep a job until recently. I also recently found out that he thought i would be the next one to support him when i came into the picture because i have a successful career. He thought he would be living off of my income too although this was not know to me until recently.

Maudcat

Hi, Libby.
Welcome.
There are similar situations over in the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum, so you might want to check it out.
People with experiences just like yours who may have some wise words.
You’re in a tough situation, but it doesn’t have to be.
First off, expecting someone for dinner, then finding they are spending the night because he has had too much to drink is not a normal occurrence, and your surprise and chagrin is understandable
For your husband to give you hard time about it was not right.
I expect he was feeling guilty and defensive because he knew he was being taken advantage of by his son.
So...going forward, somehow you and your husband have to get on the same page regarding boundaries for his adult son.
Whether that’s through counselling, or a series of discussions that you and he have, when everyone has had enough sleep and are calm, you and he must be able to agree on boundaries.
Like, “you may not visit if you have been drinking.” And “There is no alcohol for you here.”
They may seem harsh in light of the grandchild, but what you are doing is holding your stepson accountable.
Hopefully, you can continue to see your grandchild, with or without the father.
There are no easy answers here, and this won’t be solved overnight.
Boundaries are for you and your peace of mind and sanity, not the addict.
Good luck.

Libbynurse1

Thank you all for the kind replies. I will check out the friends and family section too. It has been a whirlwind of a night with no sleep and a screaming baby on top of everything else. It is exhausting. I went through similar issues with my father. He relapsed after 23 years of sobriety and then drank himself to death at the age of 60. Im sure all of this stirs that up for me.

Maudcat

Absolutely. It’s not called the family disease for nothing.
Nothing has to be decided this minute. Try to rest and take care of yourself.
Do you have friends or family who can help with the baby during this emotional time?

Libbynurse1

Thanks and no. I'm it. My family is pretty much all deceased and my friends are in a different town. I moved up here from out of the area for my husband so no friends here really.

Dropsie

Libby,

I hope you get some sleep. I recall those days and we are just too tired.

But that said, you are right about it all as far as I can tell. Tired or not.

Need to talk with your husband when emotions are calm and figure this thing out about the son. And tell him to be nice while you are at.

Where is the son's mom?

I am also a very empathetic person like you, but sometimes real kindness comes with boundaries.

Hang in there.