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Old 03-01-2018, 12:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Hey there, 25 years old and Iím and Alcoholic


Hey everyone.
My name is Michael and Iím an alcoholic.
I grew up with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, self medicating with cigarettes and marijuana since I was 15.
I never drank alcohol, due to my dad having cirrhosis of the liver, until I was 23 years old.
Since then Iíve been progressively getting worse with my drinking.
Weed always seemed to make my anxiety worse for a span of 30 minutes or so but then made me feel okay once the trip stopped.
It wasnít until I drank alcohol that I found peace at last!
At first it was drinking a shot of tequila every few days or so.
It then progressed to splitting a bottle with friends in a healthy manner every other day.
It then progressed to drinking 3 shots of tequila every night with friends.
Then 3 shots every night alone.
Then day drinking became apart of my life taking maybe 3-5 shots during the day and 3 at night.
Then it continued on and on to basically me drinking 12-15 shots of tequila a day, throughout my day, everyday.
That was throughout the last 2 years and for the last year itís been that 12-15 shots a day.
I stopped drinking excessively in October of 2017.
Only drinking maybe 2-5 shots a day to cope.
November of 2017-January of 2018 weíre so great for me.
I was drinking maybe 6-8 times a month, finally getting everything in check.
Today is February 28th, 2018 and Iím back in the daily drinking mode.
Iíve always been a great functional alcoholic, which Iím really ashamed to say, so Iím able to play it off at work/Home basically to the point where no one knows whatís going on.
No one else does BUT I DO.
I really hate myself for getting back into drinking.
I know I have a problem, I know I need to stop, I know Iím gonna die if I keep it up.
My tolerance is dangerous.
I convince myself Iím fine then I drink, then I regret it.
Iím too young to die, I donít want this to be my end. As I type this, Iím buzzed.
I canít find a soulution and at this point my drunkenness and anxiety rule my life.
I drink to calm my anxiety, I get anxious because I drink.
Itís such a vicious cycle and Iím crying as I type this
Please someone, anyone help me.
My life is a wreck.
I have such a great support system (a family that cares) but Iíve been so good at manipulating them, they have no clue as to whatís going on and Iím too ashamed to admit it.
Is it too late for me?
Please
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Old 03-01-2018, 01:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Another Michael here, same problem, just got me a bit quicker. After doing my best to keep going and solve the problem myself and finding myself at death's door, I went to AA, listened, and did what was suggested by way of a program. Too dumb to argue I guess.

Result, been sober ever since and have had a good, satisfying life for the most part.

There was a time where I thought I was different. In fact 8 of us from my rehb group were strongly of the view that we could find ways other than AA. Only 2 of our group went to AA, and they are both still sober today.

So, a year after rehab, I was the only one of the eight still alive, and we were all under forty. I was the youngest at 21. I recovered more or less on my 23rd birthday.

I recall a certain anxiety about the sober life. My experience to this point was not good, and I really had no idea what life would be like as a recovered alcoholic. There were so many things that I had never really experienced. I hadn't even grown up, having drunk my way through adolescence. So there was a lot of stuff the oldies seemed to get that I had no idea about.

I needn't have worried. It turned out way better than anything I could have imagined in every respect. I think the greatest thing I got from AA was the power to live a satisfying life without the need to drink. I got the power to handle everything that has come my way, and the thought of a drink has never entered my head.
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Old 03-01-2018, 01:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Mictar (Michael). Welcome to SR. I am so sorry you feel this way but everyone on this site understands. I am glad you found us here. I have had the same problems with anxiety/weed/drink/anxiety cycle for many years. Its horrible. Please get off the treadmill. Try and get to an AA meeting. Or just stay around this website as much as you can. Ditch the booze please.

Read other posts and post yourself. It does help I know. I am 2 months sober today and working on the ODAAT one day at a time system. I check in every morning on the 24 hour recovery thread. It helps. At the beginning - the first few sober days take it an hour at a time.

Take care Michael. Thank you for your posts. Stay around us. Ditch what booze you have.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome, Michael. This is a great place for advice and support from people who really understand. SR has been a great part of my getting and staying sober.
You are young and can turn this around and have a fulfilling, happy life without booze. Stick with us and make a plan.
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Mic,

I don't give advice anymore, I tell stories. It works for me.

When I was 28 I quit once for 8 months. It was so easy I started up again. Big mistake.

The internet, and sr, saved my life.

I use this for my aa meetings. I went to a bunch and didn't do that well.

My fault is the best answer.

I use sr to remind me and keep myself accountable.

I have some rewiring going on from my drinking or whatever and I know if I drink again, it will get worse.

All drinking really does...imo...is alter my analysis ability and put me in a euphoric state as long as i stay drunk. I develop tolerance, like any medication. So i drink more and more.

That is why some folk overdose etc.

For me...It is all science. I know a quick way to turn off my analysis is booze.

I try to forget the negative consequences. Sr reminds me.

There is more, but I have said enough for now.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system comprimise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 03-01-2018, 09:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You know you have a problem and cannot control your drinking.

You know you need to stop completely and can't have "just one drink." Ever.

If you don't know that and keep trying, it may be years, if at all, before you end the misery and get sober.

So you know that you have to get and stay sober.

What's your plan? Sobriety takes a plan, and help from whatever sources you can find.

Doctors.
Rehab, inpatient and/or outpatient.
Therapy
Secular groups like SMART
12 Step groups like AA
Religious sources like church.
Buddhist meditation/REFUGE recovery

etc etc etc


Of course you can manipulate those close to you. You're an addict. Addicts are very adept at this. Perhaps actually TELLING those close to you what's happening in your path to sobriety would be helpful. It's harder to hide drinking/using if people are clued in that they should be looking for signs. You'd also be surprised how many people know what's going on that you think you're fooling. The only reason not to tell family is if you want to continue to "get away" with it. If you really want to get sober, you can use your family as allies.

How do you get sober? Poke around on these boards, you'll get a number of ideas on how to do it. That's not the hard part. The hard part is actually doing it.

Admit to yourself that you have a problem and that you need to stop. Honestly look at yourself and admit that you cannot drink. At all. Ever.

Then make a plan and stick to it.
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Old 03-01-2018, 10:01 AM   #7 (permalink)
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It's never too late to stop and get your life back on track, perhaps a chat with your doctor would be a start for you, good luck and keep posting
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Old 03-01-2018, 10:15 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I found this site two days ago, and I was so afraid and so sick and tired of the cycle I hated yet didn't know how to stop. I prayed. Nothing. Went to a few AA meetings. Nothing. I had a bottle and a half of wine Monday night, and woke up feeling sick and like my organs were hurting Tuesday. I got really scared and started Googling diseases related to overconsumption. I got even more scared and found a Wiki site that gave me an alternative to AA (so I could face this battle with dignity, my feeling strictly, AA is great for so many). The site said to use CORE (Commit, Objectify, Respond, Enjoy). Look it up if you want. I basically spent some time making the decision in my mind to commit to stopping. I have wanted to for about 10 years. I wrote down over and over, I do not need alcohol to survive, I will never drink again, I am a non-drinker, over and over. And I felt terrible facing this for real. Like, the show's over. It's now or never. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm going to do it. My mind just said, I cannot have one drink. Ever. It will never ever ever be different. If I drink, I will die. I let myself feel awful about saying goodbye to my friend, alcohol. I sat there and grieved it. And then, I poked around on this site, and KABOOM, I found my support. I can spend as much time on this site, reading stories, asking for help, as I want. It has been the catalyst.

You are not alone in your struggle. I have read so many stories on here, and I'm like, hey, that's my story, and now s/he doesn't have to live that terrible way any longer. I can do it! I did it for one day, then another, and I'm going to do it again tonight.

Happy to be on the other side of the coin. Will you join me, just for today?
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Mictar

You've found a great place for support, I came here, very much like you, and the support and good ideas helped me turn my life around. I know we can help you too

D
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Old 03-01-2018, 10:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone, today I lost my battle with temptation. I promised myself id defy my wants and I failed.
Down but not done.
Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a great one, without alcohol
Iím overwhelmed with appreciation for the replies and itís reallh made me feel better.
I canít wait to one day be one of you, telling my story of finding support and turning it around!
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Old 03-02-2018, 01:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Mike, welcome to SR. It seems to me that you are one of those folks that should simply not drink alcohol. Like me. It sends you into a tailspin of misery. You have recognised it early in life, which is great!
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Old 03-02-2018, 02:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mictar View Post
Thanks everyone, today I lost my battle with temptation. I promised myself id defy my wants and I failed.
Down but not done.
Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a great one, without alcohol
Iím overwhelmed with appreciation for the replies and itís reallh made me feel better.
I canít wait to one day be one of you, telling my story of finding support and turning it around!
Hey Mike, if I had a dollar for every time I did that I would have a reasonable amount of money now I am not sure about giving into my "wants" , as I desperately wanted to stop. Alcohol had long since ceased to be my friend. It was more a case of alcohol overpowering my "don't want"

If I had a dime for every time I was told "just don't drink" I'd be even richer. I mean, that idea wasn't new to me. It had been obvious for a long time. In fact on many occasions it had been my first thought of the day. But I am an alcholic. I have trouble making such a decision stick.

I left the court early one afternoon, the judge having talked to me about some offences that occurred as a result of my drinking. I didn't like court, I thought I was going to be locked up, it was frightening. So the sane person might think twice about drinking. I didn't think at all. Within minutes I was in a bar across the street, and I got arrested again that night. Then he did lock me up!

I remember the total despair as I landed face down in the cell. How the hell did this happen, again? Fighting with police was the furthest thing from my mind when I took the fatal first drink.

It happened because I was powerless to prevent it. I needed to stop, I desperately wanted to stop, but the needed power wasn't there.

I went to AA. There I found people who understood what the drinking life was like, and other people who understood how to recover.
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Old 03-02-2018, 07:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The principles laid down in AA work. Even if you do it differently but essentially get what the 12 steps require then there are many with long-term grateful sobriety as evidence that it works. Recovery programs may differ but the fundamentals of quality recovery are the same.
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