Learning about myself
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Learning about myself
Yesterday I was very depressed, and didn’t want to talk to anyone. It was a result of an argument that my husband and I had, and he didn’t come home the night before. And once again, I got drunk.
Today he acts like everything is ok. When I try to tell him how I feel, he dismisses it (consciously or unconsciously, I don’t know) and then tells me that I need to change too.
After having another break down today, I decided to pull up YouTube and find a recorded meeting. And it was probably what I needed.
So I am learning that I am broken but haven’t quite figured out how to fix it. I’m am trying though.
I am also learning from reading Allen Carr’s Book and Annie Grace’s book is that we are conditioned from childhood to think that drinking is normal and beneficial. I recently saw a meme going around that says “Growing up in the 80’s before all you pu****s took over” with a picture of a mother holding her baby/toddler and him holding and sipping a Budweiser. I have the very same picture of me about 10 months old in a walker by the pool, and my grandfather giving me Budweiser. To me it proves that the authors are right. But I still feel like I don’t know what to do with this information. I understand alcohol is a poison, and that we are brainwashed to think there’s some benefit to it, but still have the urge to drink.
The first time I listened to Allen Carr’s book, I had that ah-ha moment where I didn’t want to drink anymore. But then somehow, I forced myself to drink a beer one day because my husband was and it was hard to do, but ended up right back where I started.
I am irritable when I don’t drink. I am unmoved by good news. I am sad. I feel like I should be in the album Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness.
Today he acts like everything is ok. When I try to tell him how I feel, he dismisses it (consciously or unconsciously, I don’t know) and then tells me that I need to change too.
After having another break down today, I decided to pull up YouTube and find a recorded meeting. And it was probably what I needed.
So I am learning that I am broken but haven’t quite figured out how to fix it. I’m am trying though.
I am also learning from reading Allen Carr’s Book and Annie Grace’s book is that we are conditioned from childhood to think that drinking is normal and beneficial. I recently saw a meme going around that says “Growing up in the 80’s before all you pu****s took over” with a picture of a mother holding her baby/toddler and him holding and sipping a Budweiser. I have the very same picture of me about 10 months old in a walker by the pool, and my grandfather giving me Budweiser. To me it proves that the authors are right. But I still feel like I don’t know what to do with this information. I understand alcohol is a poison, and that we are brainwashed to think there’s some benefit to it, but still have the urge to drink.
The first time I listened to Allen Carr’s book, I had that ah-ha moment where I didn’t want to drink anymore. But then somehow, I forced myself to drink a beer one day because my husband was and it was hard to do, but ended up right back where I started.
I am irritable when I don’t drink. I am unmoved by good news. I am sad. I feel like I should be in the album Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Jillian2563 
but still have the urge to drink.
I have the urge to make moves on my wife's hot friends.
I have the urge to drink.
Brains are weird. They think up all kinds of stupid stuff for me to ignore.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I liked Carr for quitting smoking. Even read his book about dieting and food, the easy way is very simple, it works on a cognitive level. The concept that nothing positive comes from addiction. The way to never drink again is to never take the first drink. It is so simple, the books have a hypnotic quality to them.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
I’m in bad shape y’all. I feel like I’m goin crazy.
My husband came home and the agruing started again. He left again. He won’t answer my calls. I don’t know where he is. Last time he left, he went to his moms vacant (and trashed) house. I found him there that morning. He would not let me in the back part of the house, I suspected because maybe someone was there. But he said because there drug paraphernalia and porn back there.
We were doing so well 2 years ago. He has clean time and I was sober, but things have slowly gotten back to chaos.
I know he works hard but he thinks just because I stay at home with the baby now I do nothing. I help run our business. I take care of all the bills and make sure they are paid on time. I monitor our credit to make sure we are building it right. I clean the house. There’s so much that I do, all while chasing around a 1 yr old. And when he came home today, he couldn’t even watch the baby for 2 hours without complaining. Last year, he couldn’t wait to come home to the baby, but he was newborn then.
My husband came home and the agruing started again. He left again. He won’t answer my calls. I don’t know where he is. Last time he left, he went to his moms vacant (and trashed) house. I found him there that morning. He would not let me in the back part of the house, I suspected because maybe someone was there. But he said because there drug paraphernalia and porn back there.
We were doing so well 2 years ago. He has clean time and I was sober, but things have slowly gotten back to chaos.
I know he works hard but he thinks just because I stay at home with the baby now I do nothing. I help run our business. I take care of all the bills and make sure they are paid on time. I monitor our credit to make sure we are building it right. I clean the house. There’s so much that I do, all while chasing around a 1 yr old. And when he came home today, he couldn’t even watch the baby for 2 hours without complaining. Last year, he couldn’t wait to come home to the baby, but he was newborn then.
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Location: Georgia
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I haven’t had anything to drink tonight. But I make stupid decisions when I don’t drink either. I tried to stop him from leaving. When he left, I loaded up the baby and tried to find him. And it’s driving me crazy. I Feel like I have no one to talk to. Because I don’t want those that are closest to me to know what’s going on.
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He doesn’t care about how I feel, either because he’s messed up on drugs or feels guilty, I don’t know. But things are not going well at all. I’m torn as to what to do. Do I file for divorce and try to start over making hardly any money and having to out a baby in daycare? Do I try to talk to him when obviously it goes nowhere? Neither one of us can talk to each other cordially.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm sorry you're having problems with your husband - but drinking's not fixing that Jillian - it's not even dealing with that on any real level.
It may even be making things worse.
In a choice between trying to fix myself and trying to fix someone or something else, I'll always go with fixing myself.
Give all you have to your recovery - stop drinking and stay that way. Even if you find it doesn't make your other problems any better you might find you're better capable of dealing with them sober?
D
It may even be making things worse.
In a choice between trying to fix myself and trying to fix someone or something else, I'll always go with fixing myself.
Give all you have to your recovery - stop drinking and stay that way. Even if you find it doesn't make your other problems any better you might find you're better capable of dealing with them sober?
D
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Originally Posted by Dee74
Even if you find it doesn't make your other problems any better you might find you're better capable of dealing with them sober?
D
D
When I drink, I can better deal with the situation because I ignore the arguments with my husband and don’t go chasing or tracking him down. It’s more peaceful for my kids this way.
When I’m sober and he won’t talk to me or leaves, I seem to go off the deep end. Doing and saying anything, irrational or not, to get him to come home, answer the phone, talk to me, something.
I’m still sober right now, and haven’t gotten any sleep. Maybe an hour and a half. Beacsue all
I can do is worry about where he is, what he’s doing, and calling him to see if his phone is on.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Jill,
I empathize.
Imo...a spouse that takes off leaving me to tend to a baby is a totally selfish person. I doubt any more talking is going to change that.
I understand leaving will make life miserable especially if he is paying for the living situation. At least you have a roof etc.
If you are the bread winner too, then I would definitely move on.
Me and my wife share child care responsabilities. I pay the big bills e.g. house, insurance, she pays small ones like gas, water etc. We both work, but i make more.
Anyway...
My big thing lately is reminding myself of the brain damage I have from booze. My brain has had to rewire and make new neural connections because I killed so many w the booze.
The brain of chronic alkys shrinks and takes on a different appearance. That is some scary stuff.
I will never drink again. There is no analysis numbing euphoria worth losing any more brain cells.
I was so messed up that I am still feeling growth at nearly 3 years without being drunk.
Booze deadens the analysis portion of our brains, makes the worry go away for a short time. There are other healthy ways to do that. They are listed somewhere here. Stuff like meditation, meetings, watching movies, exercise.
I like exercise. When I am trying to do 20 push ups, I don't fret other issues.
Hope this helps you in some way.
Thanks.
I empathize.
Imo...a spouse that takes off leaving me to tend to a baby is a totally selfish person. I doubt any more talking is going to change that.
I understand leaving will make life miserable especially if he is paying for the living situation. At least you have a roof etc.
If you are the bread winner too, then I would definitely move on.
Me and my wife share child care responsabilities. I pay the big bills e.g. house, insurance, she pays small ones like gas, water etc. We both work, but i make more.
Anyway...
My big thing lately is reminding myself of the brain damage I have from booze. My brain has had to rewire and make new neural connections because I killed so many w the booze.
The brain of chronic alkys shrinks and takes on a different appearance. That is some scary stuff.
I will never drink again. There is no analysis numbing euphoria worth losing any more brain cells.
I was so messed up that I am still feeling growth at nearly 3 years without being drunk.
Booze deadens the analysis portion of our brains, makes the worry go away for a short time. There are other healthy ways to do that. They are listed somewhere here. Stuff like meditation, meetings, watching movies, exercise.
I like exercise. When I am trying to do 20 push ups, I don't fret other issues.
Hope this helps you in some way.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Thank you. He is very much being selfish.
The thing about our income is, we run a business together. He does the manual labor, and I do the “office work”. I can’t stand it when he says I don’t do anything just because he’s doing manual labor.
I’m contemplating on booking a motel in the mountains for tonight and tomorrow night. That means my oldest son would miss school tomorrow. But there are a few fun things we could do over that time. But I hate spending money, lol. All our bills are paid, so that doesn’t concern me, but $200 is a lot to me for a “mini vacation” and that’s just for the room. Maybe I’ll see how things go today and just book one night for tomorrow. There’s a drivein movie theater that plays Friday nights and the scenic railway, and it’s not far from us. I don’t know if I’m being reasonable or not.
The thing about our income is, we run a business together. He does the manual labor, and I do the “office work”. I can’t stand it when he says I don’t do anything just because he’s doing manual labor.
I’m contemplating on booking a motel in the mountains for tonight and tomorrow night. That means my oldest son would miss school tomorrow. But there are a few fun things we could do over that time. But I hate spending money, lol. All our bills are paid, so that doesn’t concern me, but $200 is a lot to me for a “mini vacation” and that’s just for the room. Maybe I’ll see how things go today and just book one night for tomorrow. There’s a drivein movie theater that plays Friday nights and the scenic railway, and it’s not far from us. I don’t know if I’m being reasonable or not.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
When I drink, I can better deal with the situation because I ignore the arguments with my husband and don’t go chasing or tracking him down. It’s more peaceful for my kids this way.
When I’m sober and he won’t talk to me or leaves, I seem to go off the deep end. Doing and saying anything, irrational or not, to get him to come home, answer the phone, talk to me, something.
When I’m sober and he won’t talk to me or leaves, I seem to go off the deep end. Doing and saying anything, irrational or not, to get him to come home, answer the phone, talk to me, something.
I drank to make the intolerable tolerable.
Sounds like you're doing the same.
TheAV is trying to persuade you that this is a viable lifestyle - even the preferred one right now.
Its even using your kids as leverage - 'its more peaceful for them when I drink'.
I'd be furious at the AV for that. Bottom line - and I'm sorry if it hurts - but no kid is better off with a parent who drinks like we do..
Its clear you have some major problems to deal with - and what looks like some significant codependency issues - maybe a counsellor or therapist can help you there?
but drinking is not dealing with anything - its running away without using your feet,
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Jillian2563
It’s more peaceful for my kids this way.
The greatest gift you can give your children is your own happiness. Then they learn how to be happy.
You have it in you to be fantastic.
Go for it.
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