JayTee33

Good morning everyone,

I'm on day 6. My actions last week that led me to finally say "this has to stop" are still pretty fresh and raw in my head, and I'm having a hard time with the guilt and negative thoughts. I haven't felt the urge to drink because of them yet, but I worry that the urge will come.

A big part of why I drank is to dull negative thoughts and feelings, anxiety, and guilt. It's a stupid, vicious cycle - because my actions when drinking often led to more guilt and less self-worth. I'm committed to breaking that cycle.

I'm learning a lot about stopping or at least diverting negative self-talk (or my AV, whatever you want to call it). Distraction, challenging the dark thoughts head-on, reframing situations in a more positive light. I've been trying to put some of these strategies into action, but it's hard!

I'm curious to know how those of you who are farther along in your journey worked on this early on.

I've seen a lot of advice to those starting out to "put negative thoughts out of your mind". But then an integral part of AA is to face up to your past and make amends for it. Is it something that happens in stages? Do you have to start by focusing on the positive when you're still feeling really fragile, and only get to facing and overcoming things as you gain strength/resilience?

Any tools or suggestions to help me get through this raw stage and build resilience are very welcome.

Thanks so much,

JT

Nonsensical

Congrats on 6 days JT!!!

Pretty much anything ever written by Byron Katie will help you down the road you want to travel.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

biminiblue

If you are going to AA and planning on doing amends, there are eight other Steps that come before that. By the time you have worked through all that 1-7 stuff and start to make your amends list in 8 - you'll be ready. I'd say don't jump the gun and make it harder on yourself than needs be.

Are you using a sponsor to work through the steps?

I initially quit drinking many years ago and I did it as a natural course after going deep into the Bible and going back to church. The forgiveness and grace I found in my faith gave me courage to change everything about my life at the time and alcohol had no place in it.

JayTee33

Thanks to you both. I will look up Byron Katie's books and take a look, for sure.

Biminiblue, I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow, but it's a SmartRecovery group. Having that community support and accountability will be so important to make this really work, I'm convinced of that. So at least at first, I'm going to be working through that program and their 4 steps. It resonates for me.

That said, I have been doing a lot of reading over the last week, including the AA big book, and I think there are a lot of elements of the AA approach that I am interested in and I'll likely have questions coming up. I don't have a sponsor, as I'm not in the AA program, but I am interested in having a one-on-one or small group support/accountability structure in place. I was talking to some ladies in the womens' forums about this.

Thanks for your suggestions and support!

biminiblue

The negativity naturally fades as the brain heals, too. So a lot of this inner angst just disappears after a few months of continuous sober time.

If it doesn't fade, then maybe you will need to add more stuff. I went to AA meetings for a couple/three months but in the end I decided it wasn't my thing and I've relied on this site for contact with other alcoholics in recovery.

I think there is common-sense value in the 12 Steps, regardless of whether one uses AA meetings. I did a lot of the same things as the steps suggest without ever knowing they existed.

I just worked on my "stuff." We all have it, and it's an ongoing process - for life!

Komplex

Welcome JayTee. Hope your SMART meeting goes awesome, I am not too familiar with the program but would love to hear how it goes. I am a fan of AA so far. I have 41 days in recovery and a sponsor. I have not even began working the steps, but share your fears when it comes to facing my past. My friends in the AA rooms tell me, there’s a reason things go in this order. I trust my sponsor to walk me through the steps in a way I’ll be able to handle them.

Congrats on day 6. Forgive yourself. We can’t go back, we can only do the next right thing!

JayTee33

Thanks Komplex, I appreciate it. I'll post after my meeting tomorrow and let everyone know my impressions. Glad to hear that AA is working well for you. Good point about needing to work through the earlier steps to prepare yourself for the process of acknowledging and making amends for your past, and totally agree with your last sentence. I'm trying to live by that, but after years of negative thought it's hard to change course! Thanks for your support.

FreeOwl

yes.

For me, it absolutely happened in stages.

In the early, raw days post-bender as I was trying to clear the haze.... it was all I could do to simply focus on the now. I couldn't exactly just 'put those feelings aside".

Instead, I just tried to allow them to be;

"I feel crappy and guilty and low. These feelings arise from my actions and my raw, beaten-down addictive state of living. It makes sense that I feel this way. Today, I'll go to a meeting and not drink".

Eventually that began to move into something more hopeful as time and distance from drink and destruction progressed....

"I feel crappy and guilty and low. These feelings are not ME. They arise from a place of goodness in me. They arise from my true self who knows deeply that addicted self is not who I am. Not who I want to be. Today I will write those feelings down. Today I will go to a meeting. Today I will talk to my sponsor. Today I will work on the steps".

With further time and action, working the steps, going to counseling, understanding, getting further and further from the haze of alcohol, coming into a space of clear-headed honesty....

"I feel crappy and guilty and low. I no longer wish to tell myself the story of these feelings. I no longer wish to own the weight of the things I did when I was my addicted self. Today I will take actions to free and forgive myself. Today I will step 4, step 5, 6-9...... etc".

And as those actions moved into realities, and as I took daily action to deepen my sobriety:

"I feel hopeful, lighter, free. I feel joy and gratitude. There are still challenging days and moments in my life, but that is life. No longer am I burdened by ghosts of the past. No longer will I carry the rock of my failures, mistakes, misdeeds...... for that is no longer me. My honest, true, sincere and present self is not those things. I walk with honor and integrity now - and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it and take steps to make it right. I am free.... I am forgiven.... I have forgiven myself."

It all took me well over a year to really work through the whole journey. I did stepwork, therapy, groupwork, journaling, meditation, AA, service work...... and it continues on today; because though I am sober over 4 years and free and grateful - still I am human and still I must do the work of being human to truly BE SOBER.

Keep on, my friend.....

You'll see.

tomsteve

good you are seeing this. the steps were written in order for a reason- each one prepares us for the next step.

when i walked into my first meeting, i felt hopeless,helpless,worthless, and useless. as i worked through the steps, those feelings disappeared. one of the main reasons for that occuring is the steps helped me learn why i was who i was- they helped me learn the causes and conditions of my thoughts and actions. the steps also taught me how to change how i was who i was.
i no longer feel hopeless,helpless,worthless, and useless.
i have hope, worth, use, and am able to help others today. i love myself today.

Mummyto2

The first few times I tried to stop the shame and guilt drove me back to the demon drink, this time around I have said to myself it's part of the addiction and would NEVER of said or did the things I've done whilst sober, now this time I am more at peace with myself and I can't and won't beat myself up for having a disease I never asked to have, good luck

Anna

I used journaling to help me through some of the difficult to manage feelings. It helped me to write things out and it helped channel my fear and anger. It's really hard to face the parts of your life that led you to drinking, but it can be done, and it must be done. For me, it didn't happen quickly, but I continued to work on it for many months.

JayTee33

Thank you all so much for your support and insights.

FreeOwl thank you very much for taking the time to post, I found your thoughts extremely helpful and comforting. I know it's something that will happen gradually, and that I need to be patient and work hard.

TomSteve, good to hear about your experience working through the steps and learning more about yourself and how to change for the better.

Mummyto2 that's helpful too. My husband actually said something to me that was similar a few days ago - these actions aren't you, they're the disease rearing its ugly head. That said, I need to continue to work on myself and accept accountability to support my recovery.

Anna, funnily enough I just got back from buying a journal for that very purpose. I love to write and I think it will be very valuable to work through my thoughts in writing.

Thanks again everyone, it's much appreciated.

Buckley3

Lots of great advice here.

You might look up Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT. I’m just reading up on it and YouTubing but it’s fascinating to understand where those thoughts are coming from - the mechanisms behind the curtain so to speak.

I think many of those thoughts are involuntary. And the harder we try to outthink them the harder it is to suppress them. I believe though that through awareness and action we can distract the mind to stop. Conditioning then takes over and it gets easier.... that’s what I understand so far?

Might think about seeing a behavioral therapist who knows something about the ACT approach.

For example, if I tell you to not think about a white bear for 30 seconds what happens? Bet it’s hard. That’s the involuntary thought trying to maintain control- it will interrupt your voluntary processes to do so.

JayTee33

Thanks Buckley, good point re. the harder we try to outthink the thoughts the harder it is to suppress them. I'm definitely drawn to strategies like ACT, I will check out some literature/youtube videos. I'm currently on a waiting list for a therapist, I'm not sure if she's trained in ACT or something similar, but I will inquire.

ZenButterfly

I suffer from this as well and I find that journaling helps, also Cognitive Behavioral therapy, figuring out how to counteract the negative thoughts.

Then I got into Buddhism & meditation. They talk about not believing your thoughts which I find to be very helpful. Just because you're having a negative thought doesn't make it true. Our minds can take us to some pretty messed up places.

Buckley3

There are some similarities in our situations - an event useful to fuel us through the early days, recognition of that motivation wearing out and the need to find ways to sustain.

I’m with Bimini... I’m using the AA big book. Mostly just digesting on my own - I do intend to hit more meetings.

I can say there’s some th8ngs I’m not too sure about yet. But I can also say that at this point, given my history, I could use some humility and I need to be careful to not judge it too quick. I mean, worst case is I learn a lot by going through the process - I don’t really see a downside.

That’s me though. Hope this helps. Smart for staying close and active here!

-B

JayTee33

Thanks Buckley. I'm working my way through the big book, in combination with a bunch of other resources from Smart Recovery. It's still a struggle, some days are better than others, but I do feel like I'm getting better equipped, slowly but surely, to deal with negative thoughts. Hope you're doing well.

Dee74

I nearly drove myself mad with guilt and regret.

In the end, I just had to focus on doing the right things today but I couldn't go back in time.

I've tried where I can to make my life a living amends because today's really the only day I can do anything about.

Gottalife

Jaytee, I'd be interested to hear how Smart suggests you go about cleaning up the past.

JayTee33

Thanks for this Dee. I read about the notion of living amends in the Big Book and it struck a chord with me. That is how I have chosen to focus my energy - to make up for the crap I put my loved ones and others through by redoubling my efforts to be my best self and to offer my best to other people. It really does help to focus on this idea. That said, maybe because it's so new and raw, I'm still having trouble with dwelling on my past mistakes. I'm doing my best to divert my negative thoughts into more productive ones, but I think it's one of those things that gets easier with time and practice. So I keep practicing!