EleanoraR

I went to treatment 1.5 years ago for 12 weeks, I came out battered and bruised, now I have a good therapist BUT I found, tried and left AA, I found, loved and had to leave SMART (awful situation with the leader) and now I am on my own. I've been into the showdown arena with my spouse (if you do or do not do this or that we are done), I have done 80 hour testing, lots of knock down drag out- honest therapy and all I want to do is drink. Drink to f*ck with him, drink to love him/my life, drink to put it in his face, just drink to function. Drink to prove he doesn't have power over me, drink to be able to be intimate. God I hate what I am, I hate what he is, what we are, but I am 58 and not in a position to start over. I don't want to be like this anymore, it is exhausting and wrong. I would like to understand my motivations.
Meanwhile, I drink.

Nonsensical

Hi Eleanora, welcome to SR!

I drank because I didn't like the way I felt sober. I was never sober long enough to learn how to feel good sober.

Eventually I couldn't stand the side effects of the alcohol, so I got sober. I had to be sober a long time before I figured out how to feel good sober, but it was totally worth it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Anna

Getting the courage to overcome the things we drink to forget is really, really hard. But, it's also necessary in order to move on and recover. It's also very fulfilling. I hated who I was, too, and it took some time and patience before I could begin the process of liking myself.

I wonder if you and your husband have tried couples counselling to work through some of your issues?

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you are stuffing a whole lot of pain and have been for a long time.

I totally get that.
I was there. Here was my thought process about how to handle my situation:

On the one hand, if you don't quit you will have the tool enabling you to limp along (the booze) but you will be losing the context (marriage, spouse, etc.)

On the other hand, if you do quit you'll lose the tool (the booze) that enables you to tolerate the context (marriage, spouse, etc.)

So follow out the two choices, Hawkeye, and realize:

You keep drinking, it progresses, and then no marriage, loss of financial security due to division of assets, no retirement possible, physically and mentally sicker and less functional day by day.

You stop drinking, maybe try to actually get at that huge ball of pain, fear, and rage you've been drowning in booze, and then you either find a way through
to repair self and improve marriage, or maybe just improve self and marriage ends anyway.

And if that happens, financial security is an issue, but at least one that can be faced sober and healthy.

In my case, I chose to quit and marriage is not perfect but much improved.

I know I would have regretted keeping drinking as I was in a spiral of destruction of body and soul.

I would have been sad had the marriage failed, but even if it had,
I would be able to save myself--the drink was the thing that had to go.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Buckley3

It's a lot. No way you can deal with it all at once. No one can.

Only thing working for me at this moment is to pick 2-3 things a day that move me in a constructive direction. Sobriety is assumed to be ground zero on that list. The rest of it can wait until I get to it.

EleanoraR

I am trying, I feel I went away to work on myself and he is just where he has been and where he is. It makes me sad, all the reasons except the financial ones are gone, we enjoy one another, we GET one another but he has told me I have "withdrawn everything" from the marital trust bank. Thank you all, regardless of the drinking I would like to do, beyond what I do, I am full of resentments, rationalizations and pity parties. I am glad I found the courage to register here.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Eleanora

Getting sober and staying that way is scary - but support helps, and there's a ton of that here

I didn't think I'd ever be able to deal with my life sober...but the more things I faced sober the more I realised how capable I was - drinking had made me forget that and think that I was weak and pathetic, but that wasn't the case.

Once I got sober it took me a while to rebuild my life, and regain the trust others lost in me, but I did.

Day by day, just like anything else

you can too

D

EleanoraR

"I was in a spiral of destruction. " thank you all, thank you for explaining and reading then responding. Because I have never felt I have been heard, I want to bring the house down, to blow it all up, to lay our life Sh!t bare to hurt Everyone as I have been Hurt.

EleanoraR

But that would harm innocent (are they or are they complicit) people, and make a mess, I prefer that I am the mess and they survive I fail and there is hope.