Relapse and telling my son who is in recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Relapse and telling my son who is in recovery.
Hello,
This is my first post on this site but I’m not new to recovery. I’ve abused both alcohol and prescription drugs but mostly alcohol. I was sober for seven years but just relapsed last week on prescription drugs. I broke my leg in November and was given oxycodone for pain. I hardly used any of it at all. But over the last few weeks I started to take more while not following the doctors instructions. I managed to convince myself that I was taking it for pain because I was having more of it due to more intense physical therapy. But the reality is I was taking them to feel better because of stress due a family situation. I was completely in denial.
I know what I have to do for my recovery. But the biggest issue that’s torturing me is having to tell my adult children, one of whom is in recovery, and I’m so afraid they’ll be very disappointed, especially the one in recovery.
My husband, who is not an alcoholic, says I don’t need to tell because it will just hurt them, especially the one in recovery, and it won’t accomplish anything. Some parallels to the ninth step I guess.
I haven’t talked to a sponsor about. I’m between sponsors, something I know contributed to my relapse. But I’m going to ask a friend to become my sponsor this afternoon and I’m sure I’ll get sound advice. But I’m hoping that some of you here could share some thoughts.
Thanks
This is my first post on this site but I’m not new to recovery. I’ve abused both alcohol and prescription drugs but mostly alcohol. I was sober for seven years but just relapsed last week on prescription drugs. I broke my leg in November and was given oxycodone for pain. I hardly used any of it at all. But over the last few weeks I started to take more while not following the doctors instructions. I managed to convince myself that I was taking it for pain because I was having more of it due to more intense physical therapy. But the reality is I was taking them to feel better because of stress due a family situation. I was completely in denial.
I know what I have to do for my recovery. But the biggest issue that’s torturing me is having to tell my adult children, one of whom is in recovery, and I’m so afraid they’ll be very disappointed, especially the one in recovery.
My husband, who is not an alcoholic, says I don’t need to tell because it will just hurt them, especially the one in recovery, and it won’t accomplish anything. Some parallels to the ninth step I guess.
I haven’t talked to a sponsor about. I’m between sponsors, something I know contributed to my relapse. But I’m going to ask a friend to become my sponsor this afternoon and I’m sure I’ll get sound advice. But I’m hoping that some of you here could share some thoughts.
Thanks
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Franharr, glad you've come here seeking help and advice. I'm not sure you'd need to tell them either if you don't want to, but if being honest and telling them will aid you in recovery/acceptance i'd still do it. Who knows, they might actually be supportive and thankful that you were honest.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome! Sorry, you are here under these circumstances, but glad to have ya!
If I were the person who wrote this. I would not tell my children.
Step 9 would be 1 of my reasons not to do so:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
What Is the Purpose of This Step?
The purpose of Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous is to take action and apologize to those you have harmed with your drinking.
Did you harm your children?
I think if this was going on for a while (it sounds like a few weeks) and was wreaking havoc, then maybe I would tell them.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make
-DC
If I were the person who wrote this. I would not tell my children.
Step 9 would be 1 of my reasons not to do so:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
What Is the Purpose of This Step?
The purpose of Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous is to take action and apologize to those you have harmed with your drinking.
Did you harm your children?
I think if this was going on for a while (it sounds like a few weeks) and was wreaking havoc, then maybe I would tell them.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make
-DC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
For me personally, I would definitely tell my children. Especially if I had one who was also in recovery. Facing up to our shortcomings and failures be they a relapse or anything else helps put our ego back in check and fosters honesty. Some of your family may or may not know already. When my own dad relapsed, I knew about for weeks before he finally came clean about it. Could tell in his attitude. I just knew.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Sometimes honesty is not the best policy especially if it will hurt someone. It is good that you have gotten honest with yourself about the pills. You have corrected the situation and are moving forward. It does not have to be anything more unless you desire it to be.
That being said, I dont know anything of the situation aside from what you have written.
That being said, I dont know anything of the situation aside from what you have written.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Gosh, I think you need to pray about this. Had a similar thing happened to me I would let my children know. It would not bother them to any great extent and they would be pleased on two fronts, my honesty with them, and the fact that I had done something about it and was back in recovery. They may be hurt if I kept this from them and they found out some other way.
Secrets in families are not a good thing, and they have a way of getting out. I am completely open with my family.
If I happened to feel as you seem to be indicating I might also take a good look at my real motives. Shame seems to be a thing. I could be ashamed of such a situation especially as I might feel I had let people down. Would it be a good thing to internalise that shame? Could my ego be getting in the way here? Is my real reason for keeping the secret that I feel my children will think less of me if they know the truth? Would I be playing God here, prejudging how they will feel and react?
The situation you described seems to be common enough among alcoholics, it comes up in meetings now and then. It seems to me the ones that are honest and open about it not only recover, but set a great example to anyone else of the rigorous honesty this program requires.
I am not suggesting any other course of action other than you pray about it and consult with others close to you. All the best.
Secrets in families are not a good thing, and they have a way of getting out. I am completely open with my family.
If I happened to feel as you seem to be indicating I might also take a good look at my real motives. Shame seems to be a thing. I could be ashamed of such a situation especially as I might feel I had let people down. Would it be a good thing to internalise that shame? Could my ego be getting in the way here? Is my real reason for keeping the secret that I feel my children will think less of me if they know the truth? Would I be playing God here, prejudging how they will feel and react?
The situation you described seems to be common enough among alcoholics, it comes up in meetings now and then. It seems to me the ones that are honest and open about it not only recover, but set a great example to anyone else of the rigorous honesty this program requires.
I am not suggesting any other course of action other than you pray about it and consult with others close to you. All the best.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Welcome to SR 
Personally, I agree with the others who said it is a 9th step situation.
Unless you did something to them which warrant amends, you really don't need to come "clean" especially if it would hurt them.
The most important thing is that you are being honest with yourself and your SO.
My suggestion for you would be to tighten up your program and look at what led to your slip (mentally).
Personally, I agree with the others who said it is a 9th step situation.
Unless you did something to them which warrant amends, you really don't need to come "clean" especially if it would hurt them.
The most important thing is that you are being honest with yourself and your SO.
My suggestion for you would be to tighten up your program and look at what led to your slip (mentally).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
I would tell your adult children. It’s important to be honest in recovery. This is not an amends, so Step 9 does not really apply. This is about being honest with your recovery and showing them that you are back on track.
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